What’s The Difference Between Self-Regulation And Being Calm? - Jayson Gaddis - 327
Play • 12 min

What happens when someone you care about gets difficult to handle? Let's say they raise their voice at you or give you the silent treatment. Whatever triggers you, you get upset because they're behaving in an upsetting way. 

So, how do you deal? What do you do? Our reaction speaks volumes about how we do relationships. 

In this week’s podcast, I answered this question from one of our listeners' posts in The Relationship School Facebook group: 

Can you explain the distinction between being calm and regulated? 

If you want to know the answer to this question and get tips on how to self-regulate, I invite you to listen to my new podcast.

Useful Links:

The Adult Chair
The Adult Chair
Michelle Chalfant
251: How Feeling Your Emotions Can Change Your Relationship with Graham Chalfant
Everyone wants connection — we’re hardwired for it as humans! But we can only connect as deeply with others as we’ve connected with ourselves. Strong relationships start by going within, feeling our emotions and being willing to open up and share with our partners. On this week’s podcast, I have a very, very special guest...my husband! We’re talking with you today together and sharing some very personal details about our marriage and how feeling emotions has changed our relationship for the better. Graham comes from a background where emotions weren’t expressed, and I come from an Italian family that was very expressive. For so many years, we both saw the other as not emotional enough or too emotional. Learning to feel, honor and share our emotions has deepened our connection so much and been so transformational for us. In this episode, Graham shares what helped him learn to process his emotions, how that’s changed his response to different situations and the changes we’ve both seen in our relationship. Listen to discover: * How relationships can help us overcome childhood issues when we approach them with consciousness * The importance of raw, open communication in a relationship * Somatic processing and the power of feeling emotions in the body * Navigating anger and stress in a relationship * How feeling emotions deepens intimacy (both emotional and physical) By the way, Graham did all of this work on his own (no bonus points for having a spouse who is a therapist and coach!). Which means YOU can do this too! We’re all born with the ability to feel our emotions, but we have to tune in with intention instead of running away from them. When we do, we’ll find they stop coming out sideways and are instead an invitation into deeper connection with others. “When we engage in a relationship with another human being, our childhood issues are going to rear up. That person is here to help us work through those childhood issues.” - Michelle Chalfant “Once our youngest child left the house, then it all slowed down and it became more apparent to me that I needed to figure out this ‘feeling’ thing.” - Graham Chalfant “I learned I could just sit with it and in 30 seconds, that heaviness would literally melt away.” - Graham Chalfant “Everybody has the ability to feel emotions. At some point along our life journey, we turn them off and turn them down.” - Michelle Chalfant “When you feel an emotion without building a story around it, the emotion goes through you in 90 seconds.” - Michelle Chalfant Resources Episode #42: Inviting Your Relationship into The Adult Chair with Michelle and Graham Chalfant https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/42-inviting-your-relationship-into-the-adult-chair-with-michelle-and-graham-chalfant/ Episode #49: Am I Fraud? Imposter Syndrome & You! https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/49-am-i-a-fraud-imposter-syndrome-you/ P&G Hair Food https://hairfood.com/ Or find at Bed Bath & Beyond, Amazon, Target or Walmart The Adult Chair Workshop - Charleston New Dates: September 16-18, 2021 https://theadultchair.com/charleston/ More Adult Chair The Adult Chair Website https://theadultchair.com The Adult Chair Membership https://theadultchair.com/membership/ The Adult Chair Workshop https://theadultchair.com/events/ The Adult Chair Coaching Certification https://theadultchair.com/certification-program/ TAC Circles https://theadultchair.com/taccircles/ (Previously “TAC Gatherings”) Stay Connected Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.chalfant Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MichelleChalfantFanPage/ The Adult Chair Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant *** EPISODE CREDITS: If you like this podcast and are thinking of creating your own, consider talking to my producer, Danny Ozment. He helps thought leaders, influencers, executives, HR professionals, recruiters, lawyers, realtors, bloggers, coaches, and authors create, launch, and produce podcasts that grow their business and impact the world. Find out more at https://emeraldcitypro.com
57 min
Unapologetically Sensitive
Unapologetically Sensitive
Patricia Young
106 We (HSPs) Are Not Too Much, with Susan Kraker
TITLE We (HSPs) are not too much GUEST Susan Kraker EPISODE OVERVIEW Susan is a therapist who specializes in relationships, and she works with the Highly Sensitive Person. She decided to take the Online HSP Course because she didn’t have many friends who were also Highly Sensitive. We had a rupture during one of the groups, and we talk about this. Susan has some astute observations. We both talk about some common wounds we both have, and the conversation goes deep and is very vulnerable. GUEST Susan Kraker is a therapist who specializes in relationships, mid-life dating and HSP courtship. Education: New York University (NYU), Gallaudet University and the Doctoral Program in Counseling Psychology at University of Southern California (USC). Susan is originally from NY but currently resides with her husband, Pi, and two munchkin cats in Los Angeles. PODCAST HOST Patricia is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and Coach. She knows what it’s like to feel like an outcast, misfit, and truthteller. Learning about the trait of being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), helped Patricia rewrite her history with a deeper understanding, appreciation, and a sense of self-compassion. She created the podcast Unapologetically Sensitive to help other HSPs know that they aren’t alone, and that being an HSP has amazing gifts, and some challenges. Patricia works online globally working individually with people, and she teaches Online Courses for HSPs that focus on understanding what it means to be an HSP, self-care, self-compassion, boundaries, perfectionism, mindfulness, communication, and creating a lifestyle that honors us LINKS Head/Heart Conversations four-part series will help participants learn about themselves as well as enhance their clinical skills -- CEUs included! The first webinar on March 5th, 2021 led by Sarah Buino is called Conversations with a Wounded Healer. It’s a call to action encouraging therapists to step into their own healing with courage. And as a special thank you to listeners, you can get $10 off your order by using the code “HSP” when you register. For more info and to register, visit https://www.tinyurl.com/HHConvos Patricia’s Links HSP Online Course--https://unapologeticallysensitive.com/hsp-online-groups/ Unapologetically Sensitive Merchandise-- https://patriciayounglcsw.com/product-category/merchandise/ Online HSP Course Materials (no group included) https://patriciayounglcsw.com/product-category/hsp-classes/ Podcast Survey-- https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe-fAYIyFgVb0VHlDorfm8ZdXClCcYDlv0cSP2RXZSZY16SIQ/viewform Receive the top 10 most downloaded episodes of the podcast-- https://www.subscribepage.com/e6z6e6 Sign up for the Newsletter-- https://www.subscribepage.com/y0l7d4 To write a review in itunes: * click on this link https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/unapologetically-sensitive/id1440433481?mt=2 * select “listen on Apple Podcasts” * chose “open in itunes” * choose “ratings and reviews” * click to rate the number of starts * click “write a review” Website--www.unapologeticallysensitive.com Facebook-- https://www.facebook.com/Unapologetically-Sensitive-2296688923985657/ Closed/Private Facebook group Unapologetically Sensitive-- https://www.facebook.com/groups/2099705880047619/ Closed/Private Facebook group for therapists and healers-- https://www.facebook.com/groups/208565440423641/ Instagram-- https://www.instagram.com/unapologeticallysensitive/ Youtube-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOE6fodj7RBdO3Iw0NrAllg/videos?view_as=subscriber Tik Tok-- https://www.tiktok.com/@hsppodcast e-mail-- unapologeticallysensitive@gmail.com Show hashtag--#unapologeticallysensitive Shelly Aaron Productions— shellyaaronproductions@gmail.com Music-- Gravel Dance by Andy Robinson www.andyrobinson.com
55 min
Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
How to Handle the Emotional Abuse of Microaggressions Using the PWR Response
The small, subtle, often sneaky words, actions, and gestures that are small or brief slights, insults, insinuations, or put downs used to marginalize you are microaggressions. These behaviors are frequent and painful. But, they are small and they catch you off guard, wondering if you should speak up. Or, would it be making a mountain out of a molehill? Is that familiar? Hand in hand with microaggressions are microinvalidations: small and frequent ways that you are discounted, dismissed, or denied. When a Hijackal or other toxic person denies that you know what you think, feel, need, want, or even have seen, it can be a microinvalidation. This episode helps you see the small papercuts that are intended to make you emotionally exhausted and bleeding to death. Nasty! To do something about them, though, you have to recognize them when they are happening. Then, using my PWR response as I outline, you have a way to counteract the effect of these microaggressions on you. (The PWR strategy is from my book, Kaizen for Couples, available from Amazon in print or ebook.) HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE: * Recognizing microaggressions * What a Hijackal or other toxic person tries to do by using these microaggressions * Why you are caught off guard by them and unsure of a response * Clarity that these microaggressions used in toxic relationships are emotional abuse! * Recognizing and responding to Microinvalidations * Using the PWR (Personal Weather Report) to reclaim your space Empower yourself by catching these subtle, sneaky, nasty ways of putting you down, and using the PWR to respond. You'll feel better...although, don't expect the Hijackal to! Big hugs! Rhoberta Want clarity, insights, strategies, and support from me, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler? We can talk: Introductory session for new clients, $97 CONNECT WITH ME: I invite you to like my pages and follow for further help with recognizing toxic relationships, realizing their impact, realigning your life, and recovering your self-confidence and ability to love and trust again. FOLLOW DR. RHOBERTA SHALER... WEBSITE: https://www.ForRelationshipHelp.com PODCAST: http://www.SaveYourSanityPodcast.com FACEBOOK: https://www.Facebook.com/RelationshipHelpDoctor TWITTER: https://www.Twitter.com/RhobertaShaler LINKEDIN: https://www.LinkedIn.com/in/RhobertaShaler INSTAGRAM: https://www.Instagram.com/DrRhobertaShaler PINTEREST: https://www.Pinterest.com/RhobertaShaler YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/ForRelationshipHelp ------------------------------------------------------------- I'M HERE TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT! If you want to learn more, share, ask questions, and feel more powerful within yourself and your relationships, join my Support Circle now. Off social media, safe discussion + videos + articles + webinars + personal home study program + group Saturday Support Calls with me. WOW! Join now. Dr. Shaler's Support Circle. Save $24 on your first three months. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- #microaggressions #microinvalidations #pwrresponse #personalweatherreport #recognizingmicroaggressions #respondingtomicroaggressions #respondingtomicroinvalidations #speakingupinthefaceofverbalabuse #savemysanity #saveyoursanity #relationshipadvice #tipsforrelationships #Hijackals #toxicpeople #mentalhealthmatters #MHNRNetwork #RhobertaShaler #narcissists #borderlines #antisocial #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stopemotionalgabuse #drshaler #toxicrelationships #manipulation #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #abuse #narcissisticabuse #boundaries #personalitydisorder #difficultpeople #antisocialbehavior #lackingempathy #journorequest #prrequest  Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/hijackals-conflict-toxic-people-narcissist. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
30 min
Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
#123 - ENCORE - Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries
At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #123: * At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. * If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. * Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence. * When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world. Highlights from Episode #123: * Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39] * Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51] * Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54] * Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23] * Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37] * We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01] * Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20] * We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09] * Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14] Links and Resources: * Vicki Tidwell Palmer * Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer * 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier * Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information
35 min
Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy
Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy
David Burns, MD
230: Secrets of Self-Esteem—What is it? How do I get it? How can I get rid of it once I’ve got it? And more, on Ask David!
* Ask David: Questions on self-esteem, recovery from PTSD, dating people with Borderline Personality Disorder, recovery on your own, and more! Jay asks: * Is psychotherapy homework still required if you’ve recovered completely from depression in a single, extended therapy session? * Is Ten Days to Self-Esteem better than the single chapter on this topic in Feeling Good? * Are people who were abused emotionally when growing up more likely to get involved with narcissistic or borderline individuals later in life because the relationship is “familiar?” * Many patients can read your books and do the exercises and recover on their own. Is a teacher or coach sometimes needed to speed things up? * Is it possible for a person to become happy WITHOUT needing anyone else if they have had depression in past and/or PTSD? * Also, how would Team-CBT address treating PTSD? PTSD can involve a person having multiple traumas. * * * * Is psychotherapy homework still required if you’ve recovered completely from depression in a single, extended therapy session? Thanks, Jay, I will make this an Ask david, if that is okay, but here is my quick response. Although many folks now show dramatic changes in a single, two-hour therapy session, they will still have to do homework to cement those gains, including: * Listening to or watching the recording of the session * Finish on paper any Daily Mood Log that was done primarily in role-playing during the session. In other words, write the Positive thoughts, rate the belief, and re-rate the belief in the corresponding negative thought. * Use the Daily Mood Log in the future whenever you get upset and start to have negative thoughts again. * I also do Relapse Prevention Training following the initial dramatic recovery, and this takes about 30 minutes. I advise the patient that relapse, which I define as one minute or more of feeling crappy, is 100% certain, and that no human being can be happy all the time. We all hit bumps in the road from time to time. When they do relapse, their original negative thoughts will return, and they will need to use the same technique again that worked for them the first time they recovered. In addition, they will have certain predictable thoughts when they relapse, like “this proves that the therapy didn’t rally work,” or “this shows that I really am a hopeless case,” or worthless, etc. I have them record a role-play challenging these thoughts with the Externalization of Voices, and do not discharge them until they can knock all these thoughts out of the park. I tell them to save the recording, and play it if they need it when they relapse. I also tell them that if they can’t handle the relapse, I’ll be glad to give them a tune up any time they need it. I rarely hear from them again, which is sad, actually, since I have developed a fondness for nearly all the patients I’ve ever treated. But I’d rather lose them quickly to recovery, than work with them endlessly because they’re not making progress! People with Relationship Problems recover more slowly than individuals with depression or anxiety for at least three reasons, and can rarely or never be treated effectively in a single two-hour session: * The outcome and process resistance to change in people with troubled relationships is typically way more intense. * It takes tremendous commitment and practice to get good at the five secrets of effective communication, in the same way that learning to play piano beautifully takes much commitment and practice. * Resolving relationship conflicts usually requires the death of the “self” or “ego,” and that can be painful. That’s why the Disarming Technique can be so hard for most people to learn, and many don’t even want to learn it, thinking that self-defense and arguing and fighting back is the best road to travel! * * * * Is Ten Days to Self-Esteem better than the single chapter on this topic in Feeling Good? Yes, Ten Days to Self-Esteem would likely be a deeper dive into the topic of Self-Esteem. It is a ten-step program that can be used in groups or individually in therapy, or as a self-help tool. There is a Leader’s Manual, too, for those who want to develop groups based on it. * * * * Are people who were abused emotionally when growing up more likely to get involved with narcissistic or borderline individuals later in life because the relationship is “familiar?” I was involved with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it was exhausting! Why was I attracted to her? Thank you for the question, Jay. Most claims about parents and childhood experiences, in my opinion, are just something somebody claimed and highly unlikely to be true if one had a really great data base to test the theory. We don’t really know why people are attracted to each other. Many men do seem attracted to women with Borderline Personality Disorder. Perhaps it’s exciting and dramatic dynamic that they’re attracted to, and perhaps it’s appealing to try to “help” someone who seems wounded. Good research on topics like this would be enormously challenging, and people would just ignore the results if not in line with their own thinking. Our field is not yet very scientific, but is dominated by “cults” and people who believe, and who desperately want to believe, things that are highly unlikely, in my opinion, to be true. I do quite a lot of data analysis using a sophisticated statistical modeling program called AMOS (the Analysis of Moment Structures) created by Dr. James Arbuckle from Temple University in Philadelphia, someone I admire tremendously. This program does something called structural equation modeling. In the typical analysis, the program tells you that your theory cannot possibly be true, based on your data. If you are brave, this can lead to radical changes in how you think and see things, especially if you are not “stuck” in your favored theories. But this type of analysis is not for the faint of heart. All the best, David Here is Jay’s follow-up email: HI Dr. Burns, As you know A LOT of people attribute their present problems (depression / anxiety / relationship conflicts / addictions) to their "abusive" or "toxic" relationship with their parents. It is interesting that it seems some people internalize negative beliefs about themselves based on what their parents said to them on a consistent basis. But it seems you are saying the data does not support that theory. Jay Thanks, Jay, I’m glad you responded again. There may be some truth to those kinds of theories. We know, for example, that abused or feral cats often have trouble with trust. So, we don’t want to trivialize the pain and the horrors that many humans and animals alike endure. At the same time, people are eager to jump onto theories that “sound right” to them and serve their purposes, and most of these theories are not based on sound research. Here are two examples from my own research. I tested, in part, the theory that depression comes from bad relationships, and also that addictions result from emotional problems. I examined the causal relationships between depression on the one hand and troubled vs happy relationships with loved ones on the other hand in several hundred patients during the first 12 weeks of treatment at my clinical in Philadelphia, and published it in top psychology journal for clinical research. (will include link) That was because there were at the time two warring camps—those who said that a lack of loving and satisfying relationships causes depression, and those who said it was the other way around, that depression leads to troubled relationships. And the third group said it worked both ways. My study indicated that although troubled relationships were correlated with depression, there were NO causal links in either direction. Instead, the statistical models strongly hinted that an unobs…
47 min
More episodes
Search
Clear search
Close search
Google apps
Main menu