Have You Let Yourself Mourn?
Play • 39 min

Feeling anger, fear, or sadness when you love someone struggling with addiction is normal (even if you're no longer with them). And it's also understandable if you've felt all three at the same time. You've gone through a lot because of their actions and behaviors.

That's why it's so important to let yourself mourn: for what used to be good in your relationship and for what you had always envisioned could be.

Tune in to this week's episode as I share an 'aha' moment after I worked out recently and how it relates to addiction (because you know I'm always able to).

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/mourn/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

 

 

The Narcissist in Your Life Podcast
The Narcissist in Your Life Podcast
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Denial and Delusion - Constant Companions of the High Level Narcissist
Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that the high level narcissist uses to create his/her reality. Cruel, cunning, plotting, scheming, the high level believes that he is a person of fine character. The high level narcissist denies the truth about his/her true nature. When the narcissist falters in his personal and professional obligations, he adroitly blames others, especially those close to him for negative outcomes. The high level is never wrong. His false self is giddy, riding on the irrational waves of denial. The high level narcissist's delusional sense of self is created out of an over the top inflated ego. Obsessed with creating and maintaining a perfect image, the high level narcissist pursues the perfection of the external self: personal appearance, extravagant lifestyles, luxurious homes. Pompous, grandiose, the high level narcissist is convinced that he is intrinsically superior to others and therefore entitled to control them. Those who don't meet his outrageous demands and standards of value are treated with scorn and disdain. You are the opposite of the high level narcissist. You seek the evolution of the original self with indispensable qualities: independence of thinking, taking initiative, recognizing one's mistakes, learning the lessons and moving forward along your own pathways of evolution, exploration and enjoyment of your unique creative gifts, intuitive insights, wisdom of the body/mind, development of the spiritual self as you define this. https://tinyurl.com/y39j2uke www.mhnrnetwork.com https://tinyurl.com/y3ss5clg
6 min
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
Kate Anthony, CPCC
DSG Abuse Mini-Series: Escaping Financial Abuse with Lili Vasileff
Financial abuse is the exertion of power, control, and manipulation to the detriment of a person. This form of abuse negatively impacts a person in a number of ways. Here’s the thing, many women become financially disempowered after marriage and experience financial abuse in silence. So, this week, during the Divorce Survival Guide series on abuse, we are exploring the topic of financial abuse. My special guest is Lili Vasileff. She is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP®), Master Analyst in Financial Forensics (MAFF™) specializing in Matrimonial Litigation, and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®). In this episode we explore what financial abuse looks like, the complexities involved, and red flags to watch for. And yes, while this is a conversation about financial abuse, it is also one about financial empowerment too. Join me next week when we explore how to communicate with a high-conflict co-parent. You can sign up for my email list to be notified whenever a new episode is released or subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast listening app. Show Highlights * The difference between financial infidelity and financial abuse. (4:52) * Financial abuse explained. Did you know that one in three victims of financial abuse don't even recognize it for what it is? (8:12) * Is financial abuse common? Lili shares. Plus, some ways it may show up in a relationship. (9:46) * Steps to take to ensure financial security at the beginning of a relationship. (18:38) * You want to get divorced but have been abused, controlled, and manipulated. Lili offers some ways to get out of this type of situation and find financial freedom. (22:41) * There are organizations willing to teach, help, and support women to get back into a career, to learn how to budget, learn how to invest, and go through a divorce. (26:44) * Some red flags and characteristics of a financial abuser. (35:26) Learn More About Lili: Lili A. Vasileff is a fee-only Certified Financial Planner (CFP®), Master Analyst in Financial Forensics (MAFF™) specializing in Matrimonial Litigation, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®), and President of Wealth Protection Management based in Greenwich, CT. She is a trained mediator, collaborative financial specialist, and qualified litigation expert. She trains divorce professionals in the Collaborative process and presents on financial topics regularly at the New York City Bar Association. She is a nationally recognized expert practitioner, speaker, writer, and author of three books: “Money & Divorce: The Essential Roadmap to Mastering Financial Decisions” published by the American Bar Association; and “The Ultimate Divorce Organizer, The Complete Interactive Guide to Achieving the Best Legal, Financial and Personal Divorce”, and “The Divorce Planner Checklist”. Lili is the co-president of the National Association of Divorce Financial Planners (ADFP). Her awards include the prestigious 2013 Pioneering Award for outstanding public advocacy and leadership in the field of divorce financial planning, the Women’s Choice Award as a highly recommended Financial Advisor by Women for Women; CEO Today 2018 Business Woman of the Year Award; Five Star Wealth Manager Award for last 12 years, the Best Wealth Protection Manager 2019 - Northeast USA and Recognized Leader in Divorce Finance 2019 by Wealth & Money Management, and Marquis Who’s Who Albert Nelson Lifetime Achievement Award. Her website is www.wealthprotectionmanagement.com. Resources & Links: Lili’s website Lili on Twitter Lili on LinkedIn Lili on Instagram Lili on Facebook Lili on YouTube DSG Abuse Mini-Series: Escaping Domestic Violence with Leslie Morgan Steiner DSG Abuse Mini-Series: Escaping Emotional Abuse with Beverly Engel Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group The Thrive Fund JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP
48 min
The Marriage Podcast for Smart People
The Marriage Podcast for Smart People
Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele
Why Is My Spouse So Controlling?
There’s a level of control that occurs in relatively few marriages that we would see as part of an abusive power and control dynamic. But then there’s a lower level of control that doesn’t come from an abusive spouse that can still be frustrating and lead to conflict in the marriage. We’ve talked about the abusive kind of control before, so if you want to learn more about that kind of control feel free to go back to our previous episodes of the podcast to learn more about what that looks like.  Today, we’re talking about the annoying kind of controlling. This is not so much about the spouse’s power and dominance as the controlling spouse’s worry, fear, anxiety, and maybe even mental health issues that are driving this behavior. And sometimes the non-controlling spouse may also be acting in ways that prompt this behavior. If you’re listening to this to try to figure out your spouse, you may ask yourself what your role might be and how might you help your spouse feel less of a need to be in control. Where Control Issues Come From 1. Fear Control issues are often rooted in fear. This is the first place to look. If you’re afraid and you want to make it safer, you’re going to want to control the variables. This is quite a common response to fear. Fear can come from a number of different places. One place fear can come from is trauma. When something very frightening or overwhelming happens, it may cause a person to install certain requirements or demands in order to preserve safety. For example, you’ve been in a late night car accident, and you now want to control all of the family travel so that there’s no late-night travel going on and no one is allowed to go out after dark. So now you’ve become “controlling.” You’ve installed requirements or demands on others in order to preserve your sense of safety and well-being, to stop the horror from repeating itself. Another source of control is abandonment (fear of being left alone). If you were left alone at some point as a child or at a point in your marriage, that may result in the kind of controlling behavior where you don’t let your spouse do things on their own or do certain things on their own. You always have to be there, or you always have to do things together. 2. Betrayal Betrayal may also lead to controlling relationships with certain kinds of people in order to prevent re-betrayal. For example, if in your first marriage you were sexually betrayed by your spouse, in your second marriage you may marry a faithful person, but you exert control on them to make sure that that previous betrayal doesn’t re-occur, much to the frustration of your current spouse. That can get difficult because it can cause such distress in your marriage that there’s an emotional separation, or drifting apart that occurs between you. Thus, controlling behavior can lead to further dysfunction.  In another scenario, if you’re a late teenager and you saw your father gamble away your family’s savings and eventually lose the home, job, etc., that’s a major financial betrayal. And later in life when you are a mom you may think you’re a super budgeter, but there’s actually a ton of control over where every penny goes. So, in this situation if the husband buys a chocolate bar and the wife gets upset and he may get frustrated and say “can I not even buy a chocolate bar without asking your permission?” This is clearly a higher level of control than just a healthy budgeting habit. 3. Mental Health Issues Now that we’ve talked about a few fear-related causes of control, we’re going to move on to look at mental health. Some mental health issues can cause controlling behavior. Take personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Someone with BPD may say if you leave, I’ll hurt myself, or I might not be ok somehow (there’s a clinging aspect of BPD that does relate to fear of abandonment, but it is also a mental health condition and the fear piece is a part of...
23 min
Sex, Love, and Addiction
Sex, Love, and Addiction
Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW
BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - Can Betrayed Spouses be Addicts Too?
Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and doesn’t shame you. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? [2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? [3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? [8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! [9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? [12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex-addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? [17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? [21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become afraid that their spouses will leave them. [24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? [29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES * “The partner that’s just been trying to hold things together is just being blamed (for being codependent).” * “The word codependency has brought a world of harm onto women for many, many years. It mirrors our history of shaming caregivers.” * “There’s a lot of negativity assigned to the spouse for being in this situation with your partner, who is addicted. We love who we love and we stick by who we stick by.” * “One of our jobs is that nobody goes out there and does it again without understanding how it’s going to affect the people they love and themselves.”
35 min
Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Can Narcissists Actually Make Lasting Changes to Stop the Abuse? GUEST: Dr. Laura Dabney
You hope, hope, hope that a narcissistic person will change. You buy into their promises to change. And, you cross your fingers! Change occurs for a hot minute...or even a warm week, right? And, then, nothing. What's up with that? People with narcissistic tendencies, or those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, have a hard time listening and caring about changes you would like to see. You know that already. So, will #Hijackals ever change? Can narcissists ever change? Do they want to change? What reason would they need to actually care? Are they able to sustain changes...or interested in doin so? I'm delighted to have Dr. Laura Dabney as my return guest to discuss this very important issue that can drive you crazy. You want to believe they'll change, I know. Don't miss this episode. HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE: * The differences between a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and having narcissistic tendencies * Can you ever love a narcissistic person into loving you well? * How to tell the differences between being loved and being used * Can the core issues within a narcissistic person change? * How best to indicate to a narcissistic person that there is a need for change * Why narcissistic people cannot create emotional intimacy GUEST: LAURA DABNEY, MD Laura Dabney, MD has made a career of taking on psychiatry’s toughest challenges from treating complex, combined medical and psychological conditions, to ensuring the absolute privacy of powerful, high-profile patients. Dr. Dabney has, for decades, helped her patients change their lives for the better. And they recognize her for it. Dr. Dabney’s patients come for many reasons: depression and anxiety, recent break-ups or a lifetime of toxic relationships. Yet, despite the problems that brought them through her door, they describe her in the same terms again and again, calling her warm, knowledgeable, and committed to their success. GIFT FOR YOU:  CONNECT WITH DR. LAURA DABNEY: WEBSITE: https://drldabney.com PODCAST:  FACEBOOK:  https://www.facebook.com/LauraDabneycom/ YOUTUBE:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgTW_U6Zl8X41n1mOXYM3UQ INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/lauradabneycom/ LINKEDIN:  https://www.linkedin.com/company/dr--laura-dabney-md TWITTER: https://twitter.com/drldabney -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Want clarity, insights, strategies, and support from me, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler? We can talk: Introductory session for new clients, $97 CONNECT WITH DR. RHOBERTA SHALER! I invite you to like my pages and follow for further help with recognizing toxic relationships, realizing their impact, realigning your life, and recovering your self-confidence and ability to love and trust again. FOLLOW DR. SHALER... WEBSITE: https://www.ForRelationshipHelp.com PODCAST: http://www.SaveYourSanityPodcast.com FACEBOOK: https://www.Facebook.com/RelationshipHelpDoctor TWITTER: https://www.Twitter.com/RhobertaShaler LINKEDIN: https://www.LinkedIn.com/in/RhobertaShaler INSTAGRAM: https://www.Instagram.com/DrRhobertaShaler PINTEREST: https://www.Pinterest.com/RhobertaShaler CLUBHOUSE: @DrShaler ------------------------------------------------------------- I WANT TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT! If you want to learn more, share, ask questions, and feel more powerful within yourself and your relationships. Join my Support Circles now. Off social media, safe discussion + videos + articles + webinars + personal home study program + group Ask Me Anything Calls with me. WOW! Join now. Relationship Help Support Circles   ---------------------------------------------------------------------- #drlauradabney #cannarissistschange #canhijackalschange #whydontnarcissistslisten #shouldistaywithanarcissist #psychiatristtalkingaboutnarcissism #donarcissistscare #doesmynarcissistcareaboutme #relationshipadvice #tipsforrelationships #Hijackals #toxicpeople #hijackalabuse #mentalhealthmatters #MHNRNetwork #RhobertaShaler #narcissists #borderlines #antisocial #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #unhealthyrelationships #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #abuse #passiveaggressive #notgoodenough #relationshiphelp #verballyabusive #stopemotionalabuse #narcissisticabuse #emotionaltrauma #narcissism #psychopath #sociopath Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/hijackals-conflict-toxic-people-narcissist. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
42 min
Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
#123 - ENCORE - Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries
At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #123: * At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. * If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. * Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence. * When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world. Highlights from Episode #123: * Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39] * Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51] * Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54] * Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23] * Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37] * We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01] * Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20] * We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09] * Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14] Links and Resources: * Vicki Tidwell Palmer * Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer * 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier * Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information
35 min
Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE
Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE
Steve Moore & Mark Kastleman
Is it "OK" to "Offend" Your Partner?
In this episode, Mark and Steve address some very poignant questions submitted by a listener: "What do you do when the proof is in the pudding that your partner is a sexual addict but they refuse to acknowledge it?I asked him for a separation at the beginning of Dec hoping that would shake him up a bit …  He has agreed to couples counseling but is "offended" at my suggestion that he has a sex addiction. There have been many discoveries over our 17 years. Is there a way to help him see or are we a lost cause?" -  We have NO control over (and must surrender) another's feelings, even our partner's. -  We tell the truth at any cost! -  The focus in true Intimacy is on Authenticity, NOT on preserving/protecting/enabling unacceptable behaviors. -  LOVE cannot be LOVE if it is robbed of truth! -  FEAR can derail authenticity. -  We CAN help a spouse "see" the reality of their addiction, BUT we cannot force them to recognize it. We can be consistent and bold with boundaries and consequences. We can "hold up a mirror." And, we can love him or her enough to let them be uncomfortable. -  How to use "outside voices" and "other messengers" to help an addict spouse come to a place of vulnerability, acceptance and accountability. Find out more about Steve Moore at:  *Ascension Counseling* Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  *Reclaim Counseling Services** *Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction* *Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction* *Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn
31 min
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