Love and Abuse
Love and Abuse
Oct 19, 2020
Understanding the addict in the manipulative relationship
35 min

Dealing with a manipulative and controlling relationship is bad enough, but what happens when the person doing the bad behavior is also dealing with addiction? What if the addiction is the reason for the emotionally abusive behavior?

It's important to understand your role in an addict's life. Addiction exacerbates bad behavior. Some addicts don't do bad behavior when they're not participating in their addiction. Some do.

Where you are in all this is what makes the difference between feeling okay in a relationship with an addict, feeling trapped in one, or realizing you have no choice but to leave.

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
#113 - Rest, Don't Quit
Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: * At this time, it’s normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit. * Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship. * What’s causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking about things that put you in a state of fear. * It can be valuable to let yourself consider quitting, or envision what quitting would look like, because this may help point you to how you can rest instead of quit. Highlights from Episode #113: * Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and introduces today’s topic, which was inspired by a workshop she attended last week. She then offers some valuable advice about Zoom meetings. [00:39] * We hear about Vicki’s sense of witnessing collective exhaustion and impatience, and how that relates to this episode. [05:45] * Vicki offers some examples of what it looks like to rest rather than quit, ranging from quitting school to leaving a relationship. [10:55] * We often keep relationships going in our minds even after they’re over. Vicki gives a recommendation about getting in alignment with what you truly want. [19:12] * The most tragic example of choosing quitting over resting is the decision to take one’s own life. If you’re feeling this way, please find someone to talk to right now. At a minimum, figure out how to take a rest to see if there’s another option for you. [22:49] * Vicki shares some final words of advice on why it’s so important to find ways to rest. [27:40] Links and Resources: * Vicki Tidwell Palmer * Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook * Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer * 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier * Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram * The Radiant Threefold Path * Beyond Bitchy on Spotify * Byron Katie’s The Work
30 min
Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
The Differences Between Well-Formed vs Badly-Formed Love GUEST: Dr. Gary Salyer
Are you suffering as a result of what Dr. Gary Salyer calls "badly-formed love?" You could be. Suffering is part of it, for sure. And, so much more. Do you know what well-formed love is? Have you seen it when you were growing up, or created it as an adult? Were you comfortable with it? BIG QUESTIONS! Dr. Gary Salyer has been my guest on Save Your Sanity before, and we talked about Trauma-Bonding. He was also on my Emotional Savvy podcast and we talked in-depth about Attachment Theory and Styles. (And, P.S. there are still over 150 episodes available to listen to even though I don't do it anymore.) So much wisdom, great insights, and a wicked sense of humor, too. Enjoy! Big hugs, Rhoberta HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE: * What well-formed love is * Where you form the basis for badly-formed love * What is reasonable to expert from a "loving relationship" * What might skew or warp your ideas of what a healthy relationship is * What Dr, Gary Salyer means by "bonded to misery" * The dysfunctional bond when love is mixed with suffering GUEST: DR. GARY SALYER Based on a field of study called Attachment Theory, the science of intimate relationships, Dr. Salyer’s insights have a profound and often times immediate impact. As a transformational relationship mentor, he helps people re-write the rules for love in their brains. After Dr. Gary Salyer’s second marriage crumbled he felt like an utter, complete failure. Rather than give in, he dedicated himself to doing deep research about all things love. He read, researched, furthered his education in the field, talked to experts and to people he loved. Most of all he did the deep transformation work that unlocked his heart and released his soul to love as he had always imagined. Love and how to make it lasting – became his life’s highest calling—In so doing, he has developed a powerful and effective methodology to make it “Safe to Love Again” GIFT FOR YOU: Not at this time. CONNECT WITH DR. GARY SALYER: WEBSITE: https://www.garysalyer.com PODCAST:  FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/SafetoLoveAgain YOUTUBE:   INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/dr.gary.salyer/ LINKEDIN: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/gary-d-salyer-ph-d/8/93a/8a5 TWITTER: https://twitter.com/GaryDSalyer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Want clarity, insights, strategies, and support from me, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler? We can talk: Introductory session for new clients, $97 CONNECT WITH DR. RHOBERTA SHALER! I invite you to like my pages and follow for further help with recognizing toxic relationships, realizing their impact, realigning your life, and recovering your self-confidence and ability to love and trust again. FOLLOW DR. SHALER... WEBSITE: https://www.ForRelationshipHelp.com PODCAST: http://www.SaveYourSanityPodcast.com FACEBOOK: https://www.Facebook.com/RelationshipHelpDoctor TWITTER: https://www.Twitter.com/RhobertaShaler LINKEDIN: https://www.LinkedIn.com/in/RhobertaShaler INSTAGRAM: https://www.Instagram.com/DrRhobertaShaler PINTEREST: https://www.Pinterest.com/RhobertaShaler ------------------------------------------------------------- I WANT TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT! If you want to learn more, share, ask questions, and feel more powerful within yourself and your relationships. Join my Support Circles now. Off social media, safe discussion + videos + articles + webinars + personal home study program + group Ask Me Anything Calls with me. WOW! Join now. Relationship Help Support Circles   ---------------------------------------------------------------------- #drgarysalyer #badlyformedlove #illformedlove #attachmentstyles #whymyrelationshipisfailing #sabotagingrelationship #safetoloveagain #ruiningrelationships #subconsciousrelationshippatterns #canIbeloved #passiveaggressive #relationshipadvice #tipsforrelationships #Hijackals #toxicpeople #hijackalabuse #mentalhealthmatters #MHNRNetwork #RhobertaShaler #narcissists #borderlines #antisocial #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #unhealthyrelationships #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #abuse #passiveaggressive Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/hijackals-conflict-toxic-people-narcissist. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
32 min
Sex, Love, and Addiction
Sex, Love, and Addiction
Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW
The Three Pillars to Restoring Sexuality after Betrayal with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw
Dr’s. Ginger and Bill Bercaw are the founders of The California Center for Healing in Pasadena, CA. The Bercaws are nationally recognized relationship and sexuality experts, appearing regularly on Access Hollywood Live and Fox News as well as being Huffington Post columnists and cited in Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and the LA Times. Drs. Ginger and Bill discuss how a betrayed spouse can become intimate with their love or sex addict, ways couples can build intimacy, and how to prioritize therapy when we all live busy lives. TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] How do you reintegrate healthy sexuality and trust after betrayal. [5:40] Couples who have made it through the traumatic effects of the betrayal are still going to struggle in the bedroom. [6:55] When a partner finds out about a 12-year affair, some of them want to jump into bed with them right away. Why is that? [11:15] Most recovering sex addicts are not familiar with what intimacy means. [12:45] What can couples do to take the first step to building intimacy? [20:00] The next step is communication to help restore sensuality in the relationship. [23:50] In Drs. Ginger and Bill’s model, the next step or critical piece to healing is education. [26:20] How do Drs. Ginger and Bill keep their couples motivated to keep pursuing therapy and work on themselves? [28:45] What makes certain couples struggle vs. other couples that thrive? It comes down to the person’s trauma. [30:50] We all have busy lives. Who has time for therapy? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw: Drsbercaw.com QUOTES: * “By and large, we don’t typically see couples who have great sex lives before discovery.” * “We were introduced to a model of communicating and I remember walking out of that therapist’s office and just shaking my head. Normal people don’t talk to each other this way! However, maybe we should try something that’s abnormal.” * “If you do have the willingness to prioritize your relationship. It doesn’t have to be an hour every night, it can be half an hour 2-3 times a week. Something to give you traction.” * “You can’t ‘will it’ that way or ‘wish it’ that way. You have to be willing to put in the work just like anything else.”
36 min
Relationship Alive!
Relationship Alive!
Neil Sattin
242: Using Creativity for Emotional Alchemy - plus a song!
When emotions are stuck within you - how can you use your creativity to get things moving? Sometimes the muse within you is a quiet whisper - other times screaming for your attention. Today we'll talk about how to find the voice - and what to do once you have. And, towards the end, I'll share a song with you that arrived after recording my last episode, on the process of going through a breakup and grieving. (song is at 19:20) As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources: Check out my Secrets of Relationship Communication COURSE for a masterclass in how to improve the communication and connection in your relationship. I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different. I have a few things to share with you about how to use creativity as a way to help move through emotions, and it's something that's really served me well in the past and continues to serve me well, as you'll see momentarily, because after we talk about this topic I am going to share a song with you, a song that that just emerged this past week Neil Sattin: Okay, so let's dive into the topic at hand, which is creativity and giving yourself permission to have a voice and to use your voice in ways that can help mobilize especially challenging emotions and bring them to the surface, express them in ways that are productive and maybe even move on or transmute those emotions along the way. Neil Sattin: Now, the emotional content of our lives can sometimes be quite raw, and whether it's something that we ultimately want to address with another person or not, it can be helpful to spend some time with the content in order to get a different look at it, get a different perspective, allow it to move within you and also to give you more information. I believe that our emotions are there as signals to help us understand how we are processing the world around us, and so they live in us, but they're not meant to just be stuck there. Neil Sattin: And sometimes when an emotion is just there over and over and over and over again, it's there because it requires something of us, maybe it requires a change in our lives, or maybe it's just a voice in you that needs to be heard. Now, I'll tell you that over the years, creative expression for me has been a huge way to help me deal with the things that are going on my life, and sometimes those things are happy, joyous things, and I want to find ways to celebrate even more, and sometimes those things have been painful and hard to understand, and being creative has given me the opportunity to work with those feelings to understand some of the deeper things that are going on within me that are at play, some of the different thoughts, the different inner voices that are speaking. Neil Sattin: And giving yourself the opportunity to do that can be an immensely freeing and transformative thing. And there are any number of ways to do that, you can create something that's just for you, you can create something that you share with people who you trust and who care about you, you can create something and share it with the world, or you can create something and burn it, or forget about it, because the act of creation in and of itself is alchemy, it allows you to work with what you're experiencing and in a way to move it outside of you. Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode? Click here to download the full transcript of this episode!
23 min
The Marriage Podcast for Smart People
The Marriage Podcast for Smart People
Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele
Why Is My Spouse So Controlling?
There’s a level of control that occurs in relatively few marriages that we would see as part of an abusive power and control dynamic. But then there’s a lower level of control that doesn’t come from an abusive spouse that can still be frustrating and lead to conflict in the marriage. We’ve talked about the abusive kind of control before, so if you want to learn more about that kind of control feel free to go back to our previous episodes of the podcast to learn more about what that looks like.  Today, we’re talking about the annoying kind of controlling. This is not so much about the spouse’s power and dominance as the controlling spouse’s worry, fear, anxiety, and maybe even mental health issues that are driving this behavior. And sometimes the non-controlling spouse may also be acting in ways that prompt this behavior. If you’re listening to this to try to figure out your spouse, you may ask yourself what your role might be and how might you help your spouse feel less of a need to be in control. Where Control Issues Come From 1. Fear Control issues are often rooted in fear. This is the first place to look. If you’re afraid and you want to make it safer, you’re going to want to control the variables. This is quite a common response to fear. Fear can come from a number of different places. One place fear can come from is trauma. When something very frightening or overwhelming happens, it may cause a person to install certain requirements or demands in order to preserve safety. For example, you’ve been in a late night car accident, and you now want to control all of the family travel so that there’s no late-night travel going on and no one is allowed to go out after dark. So now you’ve become “controlling.” You’ve installed requirements or demands on others in order to preserve your sense of safety and well-being, to stop the horror from repeating itself. Another source of control is abandonment (fear of being left alone). If you were left alone at some point as a child or at a point in your marriage, that may result in the kind of controlling behavior where you don’t let your spouse do things on their own or do certain things on their own. You always have to be there, or you always have to do things together. 2. Betrayal Betrayal may also lead to controlling relationships with certain kinds of people in order to prevent re-betrayal. For example, if in your first marriage you were sexually betrayed by your spouse, in your second marriage you may marry a faithful person, but you exert control on them to make sure that that previous betrayal doesn’t re-occur, much to the frustration of your current spouse. That can get difficult because it can cause such distress in your marriage that there’s an emotional separation, or drifting apart that occurs between you. Thus, controlling behavior can lead to further dysfunction.  In another scenario, if you’re a late teenager and you saw your father gamble away your family’s savings and eventually lose the home, job, etc., that’s a major financial betrayal. And later in life when you are a mom you may think you’re a super budgeter, but there’s actually a ton of control over where every penny goes. So, in this situation if the husband buys a chocolate bar and the wife gets upset and he may get frustrated and say “can I not even buy a chocolate bar without asking your permission?” This is clearly a higher level of control than just a healthy budgeting habit. 3. Mental Health Issues Now that we’ve talked about a few fear-related causes of control, we’re going to move on to look at mental health. Some mental health issues can cause controlling behavior. Take personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Someone with BPD may say if you leave, I’ll hurt myself, or I might not be ok somehow (there’s a clinging aspect of BPD that does relate to fear of abandonment, but it is also a mental health condition and the fear piece is a part of...
23 min
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
Kate Anthony, CPCC
Co-parenting Neurodiverse Children Post-Divorce with Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Maneuvering through a divorce is tough. Co-parenting can be even tougher. Parenting a diagnosed or newly diagnosed child with ADHD or neurodiversity post-divorce, well, things can feel downright suffocating at times. This week on the podcast we’re talking about parenting a perfectly imperfect complex child in the midst of a divorce. My guest Elaine Taylor-Klaus is an author, parent educator, and certified coach. She’s the co-founder of ImpactADHD.com and co-creator of Sanity School®. When my son was diagnosed with ADHD, Elaine’s work truly impacted the way that I moved through my son's diagnosis, parenting, co-parenting with my ex, and everything that came after that.  Seriously. Elaine’s work was a lifesaver for me. Show Highlights * Getting an ADHD diagnosis for your child. (4:20) * Now that you know what you are dealing with, what happens next? (5:00) * Moving from ‘fix-it’ mode to ‘understanding’. (8:29) * How to deal when one partner in the co-parent has ADHD and you have a child diagnosed with ADHD too. (16:31) * What to do when one parent is in denial about a diagnosis. (19:05) * Steps to help empower your child to find control where they can and help them feel good. (20:26) * Choose one thing to be important at a time and not try to do everything at once. (38:26) * What to do when your co-parent partner is criticizing your way of parenting. (42:05) Learn More About Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Elaine Taylor-Klaus is an author, parent educator, and certified coach. The co-founder of ImpactADHD.com, co-creator of Sanity School® (an online behavior therapy program), and co-author of Parenting ADHD Now! Easy Intervention Strategies to Empower Kids with ADHD, she provides coaching, training, and support for parents of complex kids – and parents raising kids in complex times. Her newest book, The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety and More was released in September. Elaine has served as a parent advisor for the American Academy of Pediatrics and on the national Board of Directors of CHADD. She is the mother in an ADHD++ family of six.  Resources & Links: Elaine’s website Elaine on Twitter Elaine on LinkedIn Elaine on Facebook Elaine on Instagram Bless Her Heart – She Just Doesn’t Understand ADHD (article) Kate Anthony on Instagram The Ultimate Divorce Survival Guide Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group
57 min
The Narcissist in Your Life Podcast
The Narcissist in Your Life Podcast
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Psychological Bleakness of the HIgh Level Narcissist
Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: "The narcissist is never at peace. Quiet and contentment evade him. His engines of cunning are always at work. He leads a life of restless, compulsive activity...The high level narcissist cannot just "be."... He marches relentlessly forward, doing his special life's work--demonstrating how wonderful he is. Hour by hour and minute by minute, the narcissist seeks ways to stave off his emotional thirst. Inside, his well is always dry. He must constantly turn to the external environment to get the life-sustaining water that he needs to survive---praise, recognition, sexual conquests, power. To achieve this, he chooses dependent individuals who continually quench his psychological thirst with compliments, accolades, and blind loyalty..." You may think that the high level narcissist is miserable. Oh contraire! The high level narcissist exists in a world of denial and delusion. He/she does not have a fully developed conscience, is subject to low frustration tolerance, no psychological boundaries. The high level narcissist chooses dependent individuals whom he can exploit to fulfill his psychological needs for praise, adulation, loyalty and servitude. You are the opposite of the high level narcissist. You are authentic, empathic, an individual of integrity. There is a time of awakening when you recognize that you must separate and leave your partnership, marriage, family of the high level narcissist. You deserve great credit for your decision, choosing your well being. Practice self care each day: get the rest and sleep that you deserve, nourishing food, good hydration, movement and exercise, spiritual practice as you define it. https://tinyurl.com/y39j2uke www.mhnrnetwork.com https://tinyurl.com/y3ss5clg
8 min
Awesome Marriage Podcast
Awesome Marriage Podcast
Dr. Kim Kimberling
Growing In Communication: Interview with “Big” Rich and DeAnna | Ep. 447
Today Dr. Kim interviews “Big” Rich and DeAnna Millentree. Rich and Deanna have a passion and a beating heart for marriage, and believe that to have the kind of marriage you want, you must grow. Growing In Marriage started and grew out of their love married couples and a desire to see marriages grow and thrive. We pray this episode is helpful to you and your marriage. Subscribe to Podcast Email to make sure you never miss an episode and get noteworthy quotes, resources, and more delivered straight to your inbox! *Music for this podcast is created by Noah Copeland. Check him out here! SPONSORS * Thank you to Honoring Intimates for sponsoring this podcast episode! Honoring Intimates is a safe place for believers to learn about marital sex and shop for the highest quality lubricant, lotions, and lingerie items at reasonable prices. There are no inappropriate images on the site and the company uses mannequins to display their lingerie. Use the code “AWESOMEMARRIAGE” to receive 20% off your entire order. RESOURCES * Big Rich and Deanna are the authors of Face To Face - Conversation Starters For Couples. Make sure you are following us on Instagram at @awesome_marriage and enter this giveaway for a chance to win a FREE copy of Face To Face! OR Buy Face To Face - Conversation Starters For Couples now! * Learn more great marriage insights at GrowingInMarriage.com * Check out The Growing In Marriage Podcast * Follow Growing In Marriage on Instagram and Facebook for more great insights! *Some links are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Every dollar made goes directly to the ministry of Awesome Marriage to help couples build awesome marriages. We only promote products we truly recommend.
35 min
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