Guru Please
Guru Please
Nov 13, 2020
Emotionally Validate Yourself with Doug Noll
Play • 50 min

Discover the power of self-awareness. Can you be calm in the face of intense anger? Do you yourself have uncontrollable fits of anger? Here is the science and technique of emotional competence, validation, and creating peace within yourself and with others. 

Doug is a mediator, speaker, and author of De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less. He was a commercial trial lawyer for 22 years before transitioning to leadership development, problem-solving, and peacemaking. He is the co-founder of Prison of Peace, an organization dedicated to promoting peaceful conflict resolution among prison inmates.

Quotes to remember: 

“There are many conflicts today that should not be in the legal system.” 

“We do not create emotional safety for each other or for our children.” 


  • Lessons from tai chi: the softer you are, the stronger you are; the more vulnerable you are, the more powerful you are
  • All human conflict starts in the brain
  • Our society privileges rationality over emotion
  • We are hardwired to recognize emotion
  • Emotional invalidation is one of the most ubiquitous and insidious forms of abuse
  • Anger is hiding many other emotions
  • Feeling numb comes from not wanting to feel the pain of emotion
  • By emotionally validating others you do not need to take on their emotion or feel scared or anxious

What you’ll learn:

  • How being called too arrogant by his martial arts instructor, and being let go, led to an entire career change for Doug
  • The reason most people’s emotional competence is so low
  • How a former gang member cried when he was able to finally connect with his daughter, who was afraid of him
  • What it means to “listen someone into existence”
  • The difference between active listening and emotional listening
  • Why people emotionally invalidate others
  • The neuroscience of emotional validation (affect labeling) and why it works to calm someone down in minutes
  • How to learn the skill of emotional validation in 6 weeks

Mentioned on the podcast: 




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