A mother plays a huge role in her daughter's development. But some mothers really know how to sabotage and many may think they don't deserve the title of "mother".
Also, the importance of self promotion as an independent author verses one signed to a publisher.
Below you'll find the transcript of the show, followed by (all the way at the bottom) resources and connects to start your own podcast, publish your own book and a coupon code especially for my listeners that'll get you a discount off of my book, Unashamed: a life tainted Vols. 1 and 2. There are also links to interesting articles and information about the topics discussed in this episode.
Thank you so much and please enjoy.
Emotions like hate, resentment and animosity take a lot of energy. In the long run, the person holding on to these feelings is the one that suffers. You think my dad is sitting in his cell right now giving a shit if I'm mad at him or not?
Hey, hey, hey and welcome welcome to episode 3 of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this podcast is my shameless journey of being a self made author.
Thanks in advance for listening to the show, and for subscribing to stay in the know for when I publish bonus episodes. Oh what? I didn’t tell tell you? Yes mi amore there will be surprise bonus episodes that are totally connected but may, just may include a couple of friends and family of mine. Ha hah, isn’t it keen to get more than you expected?
So make sure you reach out and touch me virtually through my social media for those announcements as well as free book and merch giveaways.
As always resources and details are in the show notes. And on that note, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. lets get it started in huh, lets get it started in here. Just a little nod to the Black Eyed Peas.
August 1st 2013
MOMMY DEAREST (original title).
Aww man! The last few days have been liberating, motivating, inspiring, challenging and scary all at once. I read the articles posted about my father's sentencing and amidst the inaccuracies, paraphrases, truths and opinions, the thing that stands out the most to me are comments from people about my mother. I guess where contrary to my father's position in my life, my mother is still very active and present. We talk every day; she always calls me for advice. We shop together, I wash my clothes at her house, she has a relationship with her grandchildren, and we go to church together. So to have the public (and some friends) condemn her along with my father (though I know they do this out of concern), almost makes me question my own interaction with the woman that brought me into this world.
No, she did not protect me or my siblings from the man she chose to marry. Yes, her actions were selfish and unacceptable. No, I in no way condone her behavior. And definitely, it's a direct reflection on her ability to parent; yet I still forgive her. I am not responsible for her path in this life, so I take no responsibility. I maintain a relationship with my mom because I know she is regretful, and remorseful and does her best to atone. It took me a while to get to this place within myself; to let go of the past and focus on our present relationship, and sometimes I even find myself regressing; but, I tell you it's liberating and freeing as heaven to know that it's all under my control.
Emotions like hate, resentment and animosity take a lot of energy. In the long run, the person holding on to these feelings is the one that suffers. You think my dad is sitting in his cell right now giving a shit if I'm mad at him or not? But if I walked around still angry and hurt I may not be able to function. And as for my mother; when I was younger and I acted out towards her because I didn't know how to process what was happening to me, she didn't care. She punished me for "talking back", "being feisty" or expressing emotion, as she busied herself trying to please her husband. If I dwelled on those and the other mean and irresponsible things she did, I would still be mentally existing in that period. I'd still be thinking about the 'what if's', and 'could have beens', hindering my personal progression.
And here lies the key. I can talk about my experiences, and write about my challenges because my heart is no longer in the time where my suffering took place; I am no longer there. I acknowledge the pain I felt and the confusion I suffered, but I've moved and continue to move passed them. I'm not afraid to look back, because I can truly appreciate that, that was then and this is now. I am no longer a victim plain and simple.
My mom and I have very candid conversations about the past; things she did wrong and why she did them. I tell her all the time she is the perfect example of what NOT to do. What I feel lacked in our relationship, I make sure to include in my relationship with my own daughters. The way my mother surrendered herself to her love for my father, I am conscious to not do that with any man. And the blind faith she followed him with, I reserve only for God.
Hi Z what I used to call u as a child. I don't know if you remember me you use to call me Auntie Deborah and I am your Godmother. I am so sorry for what you and your sisters went through. You are the epitome of strength. I think of you often and wished I could be in contact with you and your mom. I tried several times asking members of your family to give your mom my number and tell her to contact me but have not gotten a response. If this reply gets to u please give me a call Im listed in phone book.
My Reply August 9, 2013 at 9:01 AM
Hello Deborah (I may be a little old to call you Aunty lol). I remember you. How are you? How's Rodney? I will try to contact you soon and I already let mommy know that you left a comment on my blog. Thank you for reaching out.
Her response August 9, 2013
Thank u Z for replying Rodney's doing well he lives in S.C. He has 2 son's Jabriel who is 20 ur mom met him, a daughter Daja who is 17 and son Jordan who is a yr old, and a grandson Jabriel Jr. I would love to see all u guys. Im going through a rough time now my mom is very ill at 98 we are all praying that she bounces back asking for his mercy stay well and bless. PS your never to old to call me Auntie lol
Here’s some food for thought. Some doctors believe that pedophilia is a condition. They suspect that to be aroused by a child is a sexual orientation that establishes itself during puberty and If caught early in life it can be treated. It is also found mostly in men and rarely in women.
I have my own reservations on this theory. I don't like giving people that have the gift of choice, an excuse of having no control. But that's just me. Either way, I truly believe in most cases, it is the mother's responsibility to protect her offspring. But not all mother's have that natural ability, and those that do still need help. I have read many books on parenting but I've yet to find one with a chapter on 'how to protect your child from sexual exploitation' and/or 'what to do if this happens to your precious one'.
I hope that through all of my experiences good and bad, and by continuing to use my mom as a model of 'what not to do', I will be able to write those chapters myself.
Many assume that if you publish with a traditional publishing house they do all the work. In all my research I’ve learned this isn’t true. It may appear that this huge media machine just picked up a writer from off the street, gave them some money and threw hundreds of thousands of dollars into marketing to make said author a New York Times best seller. Well, NOT!
Publishers and literary agents take on those who are either easy to market, for example a celebrity, sports star or well known politician, or someone who already has an audience in some way, like social media followers. And even once the author is signed, said author must keep themselves relevant and do (or pay someone to do our of their own pocket) a lot of the foot work. As a self published author, or any type of entrepreneur, you have to self promote anyway. And nowadays if you have a little cash to spare, you can rent a billboard or buy google ads. I happen to unintentionally get myself some free promotion.
I hadn’t even finished writing my book yet and I didn’t know that this would have a direct affect on my public personal, but after my father’s sentencing a reporter asked for a statement. My sisters who attended the sentencing encouraged me to talk to the reporter and I did. But that reporter and so many others confused many of the details of who my father was, how many children he had, who was who etc. And honestly there were just a lot of misconceptions on survivors of abuse, children born of incest and the prevalence of child molestation. So I took it upon myself to read every article published and post in the comments corrections of misinformation. What I didn’t know was how much attention this seemingly simply act would garner.
Well, one of my corrections got a response from the journalist of the article, and he asked if he could interview me exclusively.
Self promotion is imperative to anyone in business. In many ways I still struggle with this myself but if I hadn’t opened my mouth (or tapped my fingers) who knows where I’d be today. That article, along with my continued activity on other blogs and articles let to an amazing opportunity on a national syndicated television show called….Naw, I tell you about that another time.
Thank you so much for listening; for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope you were able to derive something from this episode. As always you are welcome to shoot me a note with any questions and I’ll do my best to respond. Next week I’ll be talking about book cover design, branding and how many versions of my book cover I ended up with; it was definitely a process so make sure you tune in.
Well, thats all for now. Until next time. Be blessed for you are a blessing.
Music: Epidemic Sound
Resources and Offers
Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org
Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2