Smiling Again
Smiling Again
Jul 1, 2021
#1: Make a decision to start smiling again
Play • 11 min

This is our very first episode where I'm going to be talking about making a decision to start smiling again, because change always starts with a decision. And my very own healing journey began in 2010. Yes, I do take my time. It takes as long as it needs to take. And it was in November of 2010, and I had just received a message from my niece.  To put it into context, my niece is just a couple of years younger than me. I had been visiting home back in Canada earlier in the year. It was at a time when that visit back home was at the peak of when life was spiraling into chaos and I spent much of that trip sleeping and really in a state of numbness and shock. So when I got this message a few months later, it was quite a lovely message to receive.
 I'd like to read it to you to share it with you. She said, "you looked as though your spirit had been ripped right from you and with good reason, but I wanted to let you know that this too shall pass with time. This will get so much easier. Just remember that you are the only one in control of your feelings and how long you will choose to feel the way.  Do trust that you will find yourself and your true smile again.  Embrace this and know in your heart, it is the right thing you do what is best for you. You first, now. " 
I'd like to say something to her now, Kristi, if you're listening, I found my smile again. And thank you for being there at the beginning of this journey, I am forever grateful for that message and for your love,  

All of these layers later, I've learned a lot. And I know that there is so much more to learn and to grow and heal. As I walk this journey, changing my life, I've learned that events can alter us emotionally and that we can become emotionally attached to our past. I lost my husband Chris, four years ago to chronic alcoholism. His tired heart stopped. We were divorced when he passed away, but as many of you will know it wasn't out of lack of love. It was an incredibly difficult and painful decision that I made to leave him. And I had to make that decision for the sake of saving my own wellbeing and to protect my children from the trauma that we were living in. The truth is that our love never died. 

I actually felt that I lost him many years before his death. And it's because you hold on and on and on never wanting to give up hope. So it's not just that one event that alters you emotionally. It's the ongoing events and many of them, which are quite traumatic to live through. And as our stress hormones go up bit by bit, our body starts to break down and we're living in survival mode. We think the same thoughts, where are the bottles? Um, what will he be like, how will I pay the bills? There's just so many things that all start to go wrong and fall apart. So many things to worry about. And then over and over again, the same thoughts take over and we feel the same way again and again. And we perform the same actions again and again, we're literally stuck in a rat and we just can't see a way out of it.  

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