While it’s normal to want to please partners in relationships, overextension of efforts often leads to conflict. In this episode, Rohini and Angus share their take on how to break the pattern of pleasing our partners without honoring our limitations, while valuing the importance of diversity in relationships. They also talk about how to surpass any feelings of resentment that may arise when the receiver misses out on celebrating the giver’s generosity.
It’s important to know our boundaries and articulate our limits to our partners. This is important for “pleasers” in a marriage who have a tendency to put themselves first without listening to what works for them. Often, they resort to overriding their instincts for the sake of a quiet and peaceful coexistence and to avoid emotional pain. And, when the appreciation they receive is not equal to the overextension they’re making, it only leads to unhappiness.
Assuming that our partner recognizes the efforts we’re making disregards the fact that the other person is not psychic, or that they process information differently than we do. Pleasing our partner is healthy, but only if it’s within our internal boundaries. If it’s just to feel safe from disappointment, then the misplaced motivation only serves as a coping mechanism to protect ourselves.
In this episode, Rohini and Angus offer helpful advice on how not to keep giving with our reserve fuel to the point of depletion. Doing so ensures we’ll only be running on fumes. It’s easier to get angry when holding on to old patterns of people-pleasing behavior.
To overcome the conflict that results from a lack of appreciation, it’s important to be present and more honest with ourselves. We must be okay with being vulnerable.
One important takeaway from Rohini and Angus’ discussion is when we speak our truth from a neutral place without fear of being judged, we can show up more authentically in our relationships. This creates a harmonious give-and-take dynamic that allows two people who love each other to enjoy the relationship.
Angus Ross & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate private couples' intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: therewilders.org. Read Rohini's latest blog.
Episode 52 features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles-based composer Greg Ellis.