The Al Morton Takeout
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The Takeout is a series of funny sketches focused on news and politics from a British migrant in Spain. There will be anecdotes from my time as a professional guitarist and sound engineer and I also explore our cultural differences as well as the twin plagues of COVID and BREXIT.
Available episodes
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Oldest first
20 Mar 2023
Springtime for Turnips
Episode 19. In this uproarious edition, we salute the humble root vegetable at the heart of the Tory British Empire. There are Chinese spy balloons popping up all over the place, and we ask if the presenters of GB News are suffering from Long Johnson. There is a shaggy-dog story as we drop in on another guitar lesson from Venus. We also dive into all the naughty bits from Prince Harry’s book, Spare, with a little help from Mike Britton. And last but not least, remembering the legendary Acker Bilk.
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17 Dec 2022
A Christmas Knee
In Episode 18: We discuss why it could be a bad idea to ask Melania Trump to decorate your tree and ask - should football be banned at Christmas? Also, why does tofu taste so nasty when ‘Lefty Guardian readers’ are supposed to love it? And what does ‘woke’ actually mean? We feature the new Die Hard Christmas movie, Winter of Discontent, starring Sushi Fishsnack as a hard-bitten UK prime minister. Can he prevail over the nurses, train drivers, and post-office strikers who want to blow up the economy or is it all an ERG / Putin plot? Finally, Mike Britton on protecting your home from pesky carol singers. All this, plus Suela Braverman’s tips for refugees who want to keep warm this winter: move to Rwanda.
WARNING: The Takeout podcast is the ‘woke mind-virus’ of satirical comedy and does contain some adult content.
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28 Aug 2022
Fifty Shades of Stupid
In Episode 17, it’s time to load up those cost-of-living pitchforks and light the ‘angry mob’ torches as we head down to Westminster to demand more money for MPs and tax cuts for the rich. We discuss what was found in the FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, and ask if Liz Truss really is Lady Penelope's marionette puppet from Thunderbirds. Will she even be capable of replacing our magnificent sex-god prime minister? Pamela from Eltham thinks not! We return to the Tory Party Death Star to learn how a proper Evil Empire would deal with pesky refugees. There will be Mumsnet ice cream recipes for cats, guitar lessons from Venus, and we meet some of the girl bots of Twitter. Finally, remembering Ronnie Scott.
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8 May 2022
Running With Trolls and Scoffing Crisps
In Episode 16, I feature a clash between Jack Monroe, author of Cooking on a Bootstrap, and a right-wing troll. I explore the attention deficit caused by swiping video shorts on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. It turns into a bit of a rant (sorry). There is an update on the story about the bear that broke into an Italian bakery. This time he’s causing mayhem on a train. We try to interview the porn actor fired for watching politics on his phone whilst on the job and ask the question: Which tractors are the sexiest, and can you be arrested for interfering with them? There will be more beer and curry-fuelled shenanigans from the podcast that is the Fukushima fried fish of satirical comedy.
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6 Apr 2022
Specs, Drugs, and Sausage Rolls
In Episode 15 we meet the captain of the Brexit & Orient Pirate Ship, Spirit of Britain (now registered in Cypress). We visit an Italian bakery as Carrito, a rare wild bear, goes full ‘tonto’ and scoffs all the biscuits. We also try to save a big dog called Boris after it eats a pair of the British prime minister’s socks in an Italian castle. Finally, Mike Britton, jazz-guitar twanger to the stars, explains why he had to give his award back and shares a few tips on keeping warm during the fuel crisis. I hope you can find the time to join me in this face-slapping, Kinder-Egg Surprise of a Takeout.
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17 Feb 2022
A Parrot, a Fridge, and a Spanish Driving Test
Episode 14: This edition drops in on the British Prime Minister as he fields a call from the Queen mid-Downing Street party. Brenda from Bristol adds her voice to the political maelstrom and we hear from a Cov-idiot on a train. I chat about the Winter of Discontent then join the British Foreign Secretary as she jets off to Ozz in search of Brexit benefits for farmers. I take the Spanish test for drivers nearing their sell-by date and as a result, visit the doctor. We finish off with an uplifting contribution from Mike Britton. There will be parrot jokes, jazz twangers, and a parade of sequinned elephants.
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21 Dec 2021
One-Rule-For-Us, One-Yule-For-Them
Warning! This podcast includes some adult content. Welcome to Episode 13. Are you ready to party? Then join Dick Dastardly Johnson and the leader of the Ant Hill gang as they argue over wine and cheesy nibbles at the annual lockdown Prime Minister’s quiz. I reveal if Joe Biden really is the Tinsel-Torcher of Mid-Town Manhattan who set fire to the Fox News Christmas tree. We also discover Hank Marvin’s favourite guitarist. Can you guess who it is yet? So get ready to be entertained by our very own Secret Santa whilst he breaks the lockdown in this One-Rule-For-Us, One-Yule-For-Them, Christmas 2021 Podcast.
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14 Nov 2021
Climate Wars & Fashionable Dogs
Episode 12 has a watery green theme (well more a shade of brown really). It includes Greta Thunberg singing outside of the COP26 Climate Change Conference; the Royal Family sharing their tips on fighting global warming, and a challenge to British MPs to swim in the water near Bristol. We also ask the question: Where does British salt come from and is it safe to eat snack foods that list it as a non-EU ingredient? Finally, my great friend Mike Britton responds to a freedom of information request for details about how musicians are treated on cruises. We learn about the antics of Captain No-Port McNaught and listen to British Prime Minister Johnson telling world leaders at the climate summit that Britain is not even remotely corrupt. Great! Glad we were able to sort that out for you.
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7 Oct 2021
What Time is The Midnight Buffet?
Episode 11 asks: Does the word ‘Foreign’ in Foreign Office stand for the department of overseas holidays? We catch up with an ex-minister in charge as he tries to repatriate a painting of Her Majesty the Queen from the British Embassy in Kabul and also some dogs. We drop in on President Biden in the White House as he fields a difficult call from the British prime minister. I chat about the morality of the cruise industry and answer the big question: What time is the midnight buffet?
Sadly, the B-word does get mentioned throughout as I summarise where the UK is, in getting Brexit done. Why is it that everywhere in the world is reporting British fuel and food shortages as being a consequence of Brexit, except in the country where they are happening, where the blame is on the pandemic... Finally, we join a ministry HGV inspector as the world’s worst driver takes his heavy goods vehicle test. Will he pass? Should he be allowed on the roads at all? Why don’t you judge for yourself?
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9 Aug 2021
Trailer for You Only Lie Twice
A 4-minute trailer for Episode 10 - You Only Lie Twice featuring: 'Matt Hancock being fed to Johnson's Piranhas', 'A Plastic Cow', 'Global Britain in Space', and 'Pink Floyd called my Grandma'. All this along with some jazzy guitar playing from - well - just me really. Marvellous.
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7 Aug 2021
You Only Lie Twice
Episode 10. In this edition, we explore what would happen if British Prime Minister Johnson were to play the role of James Bond's nemesis, supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Would he really feed his political allies to the piranhas? I share further insight from Twitter on Nigel Farage's new career and we find out who NASA would call if Houston were to experience a problem with a British component on a Mars mission. We explore whether or not it is wrong for vegetarian guitarists to play at a steak bar and what the blue-hatted mistress of mischief thought about my playing.
Finally, I reveal what happened when Pink Floyd's production manager called my grandmother. Oh dear, this one is going to be a shocker! Join me and our billionaires in space as we romp through this one-rule-for-us-and-a-different-rule-for-you edition of The Al Morton Takeout...
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1 Jun 2021
The Pirate Code
Episode 9. This episode is brought to you live from the decks of The Black Pearl, where Captain Balboa instructs Liz Truss on the British Ministerial Pirate Code. We pay a visit to the Downing St Media Centre and drop in on the recording of a Nasty Party political broadcast. I pay tribute to the passing of HRH the Duke of Edinburgh and Les McKeown of The Bay City Rollers. I tell the story of how I met their greatest fan whilst playing an extract from a Rollers classic on the Spanish guitar.
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21 Mar 2021
Mr. Potato Head
Episode 8. In this explosive edition, we discover which bully is the greater, Megan or Priti. We ask if the Royal Family are racists and share top decorating tips from no.10 for under 200,000. We ask if Mr Potato Head deserves a knighthood more than Nigel Farage and place a call to the COVID hotline. Finally, I reveal what happens when you cancel the musicians for your bingo night.
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3 Jan 2021
Aardvarks
Episode 7 is brought to you live from the bridge of the Tory Party Death Star. Lord Vader makes plans for the devolved regions and Priti Patel gives a fulsome apology for not bullying. Princess Nut Nut topples the mighty Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson becomes the new Christmas Grinch. We learn about Aardvark husbandry in Spain and the age limit to avoid choking on seedless grapes at New Year. Finally, Catworld goes global with record sales of my thriller, Permissive Ink.
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24 Oct 2020
3 minute Trailer for my last book Permissive Ink
An updated trailer for my thriller, Permissive Ink. The Spanish guitar music is Joaquin Malats' 'Serenata Española' and the 'Unlucky Lottery Vendor' theme from Episode 8 was played by myself. There is also an extract from Mike Britton's BBC archive of him playing his arrangement of 'French Mistake' featuring the vocal talents of Angela Christian. Check them out and maybe download a Kindle version of Permissive Ink
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14 Oct 2020
The Cruel Sea
Episode 6. In this edition, I nominate Priti Patel for a Nobel Prize for her tireless work helping asylum seekers and ask the question: has the UK become a 'rogue state'? I will be chatting with Miley Cyrus' alter ego about veganism, as well as Davros, Lord of the Daleks, who takes time out of his busy schedule (destroying the universe) to thank Dominic Cummings and the Conservative party. We discover the dangers of competitive paella and which guitars are loudest.
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24 Aug 2020
Typhoid Mary
Episode 1 to 5. (updated) This month I have been busy trying to find an agent for my book. If you are a writer, you already know that there's most probably going to be tears. My blue Brexitty passport arrives, and I pay tribute to guitarist Julian Bream. I question why MPs would rather clap NHS nurses than pay them properly. I also ask why the BBC needs to chase over 75s for their licence fee. Finally, I answer the question: how much vaginal lubricant are you allowed to bring onto a Ryanair flight to Benidorm? I play some guitar, plus Elevator Music by incompetech.com
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