Bible Stories for Atheists
Bible Stories for Atheists
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Your guides to the miraculously macabre stories literaly literarily littering the bible.
Available episodes
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Oldest first
Nov 26, 2023
(Re-Release) Goodness Gracious Great Tongues of Fire!
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.
Judas gets replaced.
The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.
And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.Support the show
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Nov 12, 2023
2 Samuel Pt. 5 - TREE-Son
David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.
We get some crazy propaganda. As always.
And the feud between David and his son is resolved. David definitely had nothing to do with it.
This is our last episode for about a month and a half and I'm just ready to be done with this episode description. But Happy Thanksgiving! Unless you're Native American, then we're sorry. And Yo Saturnalia! Support the show
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Oct 29, 2023
2 Samuel Pt. 4 - Uhhhgghghggghgggghhhhhh
Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.
Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. Ugh ugh ghgugh fucked up rich kids.
Ughghghg ugh ghughg ugh runs like a wuss. Ugh gghgu ugh gugh incest rape. Ugh ghgh uguhg the speaker of the national house of representatives gets his moral guidance from this book.
Ugh. Just fucking ugh.Support the show
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Oct 22, 2023
2 Samuel Pt. 3 - Ewe, David!
Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed), to adultery, murder and divine infanticide. But dudes in dresses reading children's books, that's the problem?
It's the story of Bathsheba. And by the story of Bathsheba, I mean she was present for some events that David was pretty much doing.
Finally, we discover, yet again, that the God of the bible has no problem with abortion.
Queue up the Leonard Cohen, and sink your ear teeth into our podcast cake.Support the show
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Oct 15, 2023
2 Samuel Pt. 2 - ChippenDavids
Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal. I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah.
We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings.
We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore, he wants his people to attack the Jebusites by climbing up a well. That's the kind of reasoning the bible contains.
David gets jiggy wit it big Willie style. Support the show
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Oct 8, 2023
2 Samuel Pt. 1 - Abner's Series of Unfortunate Events
We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed".
And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the bullshit parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room.
It turns out Saul had another son who didn't die on the battle field, named Ishbaal. We start seeing Ishbaal wasn't really the fighting type, at least as far as the writer wants us to think. But while David is crowned king of the southern kingdom of Judah, Ishbaal is crowned king of the the northern kingdom of Israel.
But it doesn't take long for Abner, Saul's commander, to turn on Ishbaal. Which works out great for him. Also, David demands to have his first wife, Ishbaal's sister, returned to his possession and she is, much to her current husband's lament.
Toodles!Support the show
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Oct 1, 2023
(Re-Release) Better Call Paul
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing.
This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.
We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up.
Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.
It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!Support the show
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Sep 24, 2023
Eye C.U.P.s
We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.
Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it away. It's called a Hamsa Hand and it blocks the Evil Eye.
This superstition soaked into the Jewish, Christian, Islam, Hindu and pagan religious beliefs. Where did it come from and why is everyone so scared of it?
No really, I'm asking. Because we don't know.Support the show
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Sep 17, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 8 - Saul, You in Danger, Girl!
We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book.
David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folks watching the purses while they're gone!
And Saul comes to a tragic end in battle. Weirdly he dies in battle with the people David has been hanging out with for a while. Hmmm...Support the show
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Sep 10, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 7 - Easing Nature with Saul
David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?
Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go.
Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go.
See how annoying it is when stories repeat?
Also, Samuel dies. Like the guy who the book is named after. But let's not dwell on that.
And Lindsay insists that women are not fruit. Josh is dubious. Support the show
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Sep 3, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 6 - The Gayest Story Ever Told
BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David!
See! I could have written headlines during bible times.
Talk about a short honeymoon period. David gets done killing Goliath and immediately some school girls come up with a jump rope song about David killing more people than Saul. So Saul gets all agro and starts throwing spears around willy nilly.
Meanwhile, David finds love with Saul's son, Jonathan. Unfortunately, Jonathan seems like he must be prettier than he is smart. He comes up with convoluted ways to determine if his dad (who is actively throwing spears at David) is mad at David.
So weird, but hey, no one's in-laws are perfect, right?Support the show
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Aug 27, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 5 - He Might Be Giant?
We finally cover the ultimate David and Goliath story... David and Goliath!
God, tired of having a tall, handsome king, has shifted his focus to a short, handsome king. And like an 80s New York real estate baron, he doesn't give a shit if there's overlap. Like maybe file for divorce BEFORE anointing the next one, right?
We also find a big narrative flaw when David is hired to play the lyre for Saul and David becomes like a member of the royal family. Then in the Goliath story Saul suddenly doesn't seem to know who David is at all.
Also... SO MANY REBUTTALS TO CHRISTIAN BS!
- Does the god of the bible care about all children's lives? Spoiler alert. No.
- Is the god of the bible perfect and unerring? Spoiler alert. No.
- Does the god of the bible change his mind? Spoiler alert. Yes.
- Does the god of the bible send demons to torment people? Spoiler alert. Yes.
So you're interested. We're interested. What do you say? You want to do this thing?Support the show
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Aug 20, 2023
(Re-Release) Nativity: The Musical
Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels.
But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run from an evil king escaping to Egypt. Then we’ll hear about a small family casually raising their god-baby.
And, oh boy, is this a story for musical lovers. Everyone breaks into song. Baby kick? Let’s sing a song. Get unmuted after pissing off an angel 9 months ago? Let’s sing a song. Pick up a messiah baby? We’ve got a song for that!
Finally, we’ll learn why being a shepherd on a certain quiet, holy night was probably shit-your-pants terrifying. Let’s just say the stars weren’t the only things brightly shining.
So strap in and strap on to hear th…
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Aug 13, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 4 - God's Not Here Man
Ok. NOW Saul is king, I guess. So there is your happy ending to the story. Nothing could possibly-- What's that? God's already done with him? Ughhhhhh...
Saul pisses off the all powerful Lord by cooking meat without a license. Samuel pulled him over and cited him for sacrificing without bribing a priest. Thus our God of Love passes judgement like a coked out squirrel.
Saul's son, Jonathan, carries out a plan so vague the Philistines never saw it coming and he deals a massive defeat to them. Then he eats some honey and his dad decides to kill him. Because that makes sense. Thankfully apparently everyone stops him.
And Samuel gives a retirement speech. Israel got him a gold watch and a bottle of whiskey. Too bad he lost his pension in the financial collapse of 1170 BC.
Support the show
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Aug 6, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 3 - Samuel Saw Saul
I know what you're thinking. WHEN THE HELL IS ISRAEL GOING TO HAVE A KING!??!!? I know. It's frustrating. I've been there many times before. But in the words of esteemed Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Samuel begrudgingly tells everyone that since they have rejected God being their king, probably because nothing seemed to get done, that he's going to appoint a king for them. And luckily the most handsome and tallest guy in Israel just happens to stop by looking for ass.
And when Samuel is telling everyone that Saul is going to be king, Saul decided to hide in the luggage and had to be fished out. How does that not give you confidence.
Be sure to check out the podcast Call Bethel by The Telegraph.Support the show
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Jul 30, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 2 - Tumors of the Lost Ark
In our second episode on 1 Samuel it's all about the Ark of the Covenant! That's right, the GodBox that guarantees victory over your enemies. And we start with a story of Israel not only losing to their enemies but having the Ark stolen from them...
So what was the point of the Ark again?
God gets real testy with the folks who steal the Ark. Of course, he could get the Ark back in all kinds of non-violent ways if he, in his divine goodness, chose to. But he just gives everyone cancer and hantavirus until they give it up. Feel that radiant love.
So strap in and strap on your whip, leather jacket, and fedora!Support the show
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Jul 23, 2023
1 Samuel Pt. 1 - Womb Raider
Kicking off a new bible book strong with talk of barren women, boarding school, priests mistaking prayer for drunkenness, and shitty sons who steal meat. That's right, what other book could this be than 1 Samuel?
Samuel is the profit (sp?) that ends up appointing Saul to be king, realizing that was a fuck up and then appointing David, which works out completely fine with no issues at all. And this is starts his origin story.
We learn about Samuel's barren mother, Hannah, who only gets pregnant once she promises to give the baby away to God. Because apparently all she really wanted was the be pregnant. And we learn about Samuel's mentor, Eli, chief priest to Israel and bad dad to Hophni and Phinehas.
Also, we kick off our attempt to go weekly with the show! So strap in and strap on for a whole lot more of our luscious voices lovingly lapping your ear holes!Support the show
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Jul 16, 2023
50 Shades of Heeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!
WOO HOO! 50 EPISODES! So there's that.
We are joined by Josh's mom, Jill to give us a Christian perspective as we talk all things Christian. We talk about everything in this SEO-friendly bullet list:
* Leaving religion
* The Waco miniseries
* 7th Day Adventists
* A crazy Jehovah's Witness dream Jill had
* Trixie Mattel
* Pornhub
* Church abuse
* Sister Cindy
* Healing autism
* Blood transfusions
* And child marriage
Thank you to everyone who has supported us over the last two years! We love you!Support the show
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Jul 2, 2023
Judges Pt. 4 - You've Got Mail... Femail
Wrapping up Judges with some good old fashioned sexism, violence and mayhem! If you thought Jephthah's story was tragic, just you wait.
We meet a certain Levite who turns out to be Moses' grandson. An ambitious young man who doesn't seem to be bothered by Micah breaking all the laws his grandfather came up with.
And when his concubine runs away he has a hell of a time bringing her home. There's really just no good way of summing this up without giving away what happens. So you have to listen.
Trigger warning: all of them. All triggers will be triggered.Support the show
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Jun 18, 2023
Judges Pt. 3 - 30 Things I Hate About You
Ooooh boy. This episode was so good we had to record it twice!
We start off with an amazing story about a father and daughter and the things we do for the Lord. And the things the Lord lets us do for him despite being a loving, all knowing and all powerful Lord.
Our first Judge this episode is Jephthah. A guy that likes to make weirdly specific promises to God if he helps him kill his enemies.
Our second Judge is a guy you may have heard of before. He's the biggest prima donna in the bible, next to God. Samson and his luscious seven dreadlocks goes on a fever dream of an adventure. So much of the story is completely forgotten by most folks. Lions, bees, and linens, OH MY!Support the show
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Jun 4, 2023
(Re-Release) You're a Good Man, Pontius Pilate
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us.
But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him.
Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS!
And finally we discuss the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Including the rarely discussed zombie apocalypse that one of the gospels tells us happened when Jesus rose from the dead.
This is our first episode following the overturning of Roe. Linz shares her feelings on it. And we bring our grievances on the state of Christianity to God.
Love and kisses. Enjoy the episode.Support the show
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May 21, 2023
Judges Pt. 2 - God's Seventh Evil Ex-Boyfriend
The bible is SO PRO-WOMAN! As you'll be able to tell from the story of Deborah, the only female Judge. Her story is well balanced in comparison to the story of Gideon, the other Judge for this episode.
Gideon is the closest we get to a scientist in the bible, what with his not trusting a single sign from God and requiring further evidence. Moist, soggy evidence.
Unfortunately Gideon wasn't much of a dad to his 71 kids, so one of them kills almost all of the other 70 and tries to take over Israel.
THUS SAYETH THE LORD!Support the show
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May 7, 2023
Judges Pt. 1 - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Sit down, Judge Judy! We're talking about Judge SHAMGAR!!! That's an EPIC name for a judge, isn't it? It's going to be an amazing story, right!?
The point of the Book of Judges is to fill in the gaps between Joshua and the Israelites "demanding" their first king. A cycle, similar to Exodus, where the chosen people continually let God down, get spanked by God, come back to God, and God forgives until they let God down again. Over and over and over.
We dig into the first 3 stories of Judges. And I know this might be a surprise, but some of these stories seem a little unlikely.
Love to Danny! Reach out to us at https://bsfa.cc/contact.Support the show
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Apr 23, 2023
Joshua Pt. 3 - Josh Dies at the End
We wrap up the Book of Joshua and boy does it make time stand still. Apparently God makes the sun stand still for a whole day and somehow that didn't cause everything and everyone to go flying off into space. Why would a god capable of doing that tell people to kill each other? Probably to teach us a lesson about faithfulness.
Excuse the meow's in the background. We did our best but Frodo just couldn't help sharing his thoughts and opinions. He's a Hare Krishna and a real see-you-next-Tuesday about it.
Oh yeah. I almost forgot. I had a vision from God. He says, "Fuck you, Ron DeSantis."Support the show
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Apr 9, 2023
Easter - Chocolate Covered Zombie Jesus
You remember that part of the bible when Jesus performed the miracle of getting a rabbit to lay chocolate, cream filled eggs? No? Well then you're just not reading the bible right.
We dig into what the hell happened for Christians to turn Jesus' resurrection into a fertility festival geared toward grooming children into their "lifestyle".
Eostre, Ishtar, Ostara, Esther, and Easter. Just getting this all in for SEO purposes.
We talk about all of them. How they connect and how they don't. Really this just gives us a chance to talk about gods with way more badass stories than anything we see in the bible.
So have a happy generic and unimportant Sunday where we celebrate the most important thing to all of us: a brand new episode of BSFA!Support the show
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Mar 26, 2023
Joshua Pt. 2 - Joshua and the Giant Heap
We all remember the songs about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho and the cartoons and the children's books. All those glorious money-making forms of "art" that taught children valuable lessons about walking in circles around a city and not shouting until God says it's ok, while ignoring that the story was about divinely mandated genocide.
Let's play a drinking game. Every time God says kill kids, you drink. (Don't really do this. I'm not legally responsible for your alcohol poisoning.)
Joshua proves himself to be a brilliant, strong leader, undeterred by minor setbacks like when 0.01% of his fighting force is killed at AI.
You're in for a heap of a good time with this episode. Such a big heap. A great heap! A giant heap of bible is coming at ya.Support the show
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Mar 12, 2023
Joshua Pt. 1 - Rinse and Repeat, Repeat and Rinse
I'll be honest. This episode is about crossing a river. We cover 5 chapters of the bible, and at the beginning of it some people are on one side of a river, and at the end those people are on the other side of the river.
If you're into rivers, this episode is for you. If you loved River Phoenix in the 1992 cinema masterpiece "Sneakers" then this episode is for you. If you loved the 1992 cinema masterpiece "A River Runs Through It" this episode is NOT for you. That movie was about going down a river in a boat. This episode is about crossing a river. Very different. But if you loved 1992 because of all the river movies that came out that year then this episode is for you.
Also we're talking about Joshua. Not the world famous atheist podcast host. No. This is the original Joshua. The one who crosses the river. Podcast Josh has probably crossed rivers at times, but no one put that in the bible. No one stacked stones for podcast Josh. No one cut off the ends of their penises when podcast…
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Feb 26, 2023
(Re-Release) All About the He Said, She Said Bull$#!*
While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicting commandments. Things I’m sure I noticed growing up as a Christian, but I wrote off as a lack of biblical knowledge on my part.
I started doing research into what modern science and scholars can tell us about the actual history of the bible and the people it talks about. What I found cracked my view of the world apart like the first time evolution was explained to me by someone who wasn’t a creationist.
I found a people who were pushed around by the world powers of the time. A people who had a brief period where those powers stayed at bay long enough to create an identity for themselves. An identity that, while evolving with time, has endured and changed the trajectory of history. An identity that was hijacked and used as a cudgel by another religion.
For sources and additional information, go to https://www.biblestoriesforatheis…
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Feb 12, 2023
Jonah - What an Ashole!
We finally cover the story of the little wooden prophet who wanted to be a real boy so bad he ended up in the belly of a whale. Ok, so he wasn't wooden, didn't want to be a real boy, and it was a fish and not a whale. But still!
Hear the iconic tale of Jonah being swallowed for a fi... oh it's over? Just like that, it's just done? Well how are we going to sell children's books based on this? Children and their parents aren't going to read the original story so we can make up stuff to fill space? Awesome. Christian capitalism in action!
It's a super short story so there's not much else to say about it. Also, I would totally jerk off a dolphin for humanity to have clean energy. Just going on the record now.Support the show
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Jan 29, 2023
The Book of Josh
We dive deep into Josh. Or at least Josh's past. How he went from devout Christian to a raging atheist.
Was it because of all the Carmen, dc talk, and POD he listened to growing up? Was it because he learned about creationism from Canned Hamm? Was it because he went to a Christian university that didn't allow dancing? Nope. Ultimately it's God's fault.
Big thank you to a couple listeners for sharing their stories about waking up and dropping belief in the Jehovah's Witnesses! Support the show
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Jan 15, 2023
Esther - Haman Pockets
We take on the 2nd and last book named for a woman. Will she be a feminist icon? No. I'll just let you know that now. But she will make a few decisions for herself. So yay for progress.
Have you ever wondered, "What's up with the Jewish holiday of Purim?" I know you have. I heard you whispering about it into your pillow at night. "Where did Purim come from?" you asked into what you thought was the empty darkness of your bedroom. Quieter than silence, your quivering voice asks, "Why are they called Haman's ears?" I heard you. I always hear you.
And you're in luck! Because this is it.
Hope you enjoy the show! See you soon...
...sooner than you might even know...
...sleep tight...Support the show
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Jan 1, 2023
Dognapping a Fuckuski
Happy New Year all you sinners and sodomites! We're having ourselves a laid back episode where we go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole on Yzidism, a religion where one of the central figures is a Peacock Angel.
And we talk about a great post a listener left on our subreddit.
Pardon the goddamn husky belonging to our neighbor barking in the background practically the entire time. And our cat, Frodo, jumping in with his own meowing. I guess animals aren't our target demographic. Support the show
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Dec 18, 2022
Ruth - Why Don't You Come Up and Uncover My Feet Sometime?
This week we blow through Ruth, one of the shorter books of the bible, in a single episode.
We find out about Naomi, whose sons break religious law by marrying Moabite women, not that anyone mentions that. But when her husband and sons die in seemingly unrelated events, Naomi and her daughter-in-law, Ruth, return to Judah.
Naomi and Ruth work on getting Ruth married off to one of Naomi's rich cousins because in this Christian "feminism" tale, you can't be a woman of value without a rich husband.
Oi, Saturnalia everyone! Have a great holiday!Support the show
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Dec 4, 2022
Job Pt. 2 - Winter is Coming, and So is God
You know that feeling when you're talking with 3 of your friends in poetic verse for a few days and then you find out there was another guy there the entire time? Job does.
This young guy, Elihu, apparently has been there this entire time and is pissed off at everybody. He goes on a rant and then disappears into the background again. Almost as if he was just an afterthought by the writer.
Then God finally addresses Job's complaints about killing his family, servants, and livestock by pointing out how much more powerful he is than Job. Thereby making killing everyone okay... I guess.
You know how powerful God is? Chapter 41 is dedicated to God making Godzilla (aka Leviathan). That's how powerful God is. So how could God do anything wrong?
Let's put this weird book to bed and move on with our lives!Support the show
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Nov 20, 2022
Job Pt. 1 - Mouth Relief... Just, Mouth Relief.
We kick off a two part series on the Book of Job. That weird book people LOVE to talk about but no one reads...
I guess that's not specific enough. That weird book where god suddenly unleashes unending cruelty on someone for no reason...
I guess that's not specific enough. It's the one where god makes a bet with Satan that he has Job gaslit enough that if he completely ruined Job's life Job would still worship him. But remember, God is Love.
The book is almost completely written in poetry and the majority of it is about Job debating with is friends whether or not he deserves all this anguish. So that's fun!
I had to read it so you have to listen to it, damn it! We'll get through this together. Support the show
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Oct 23, 2022
How to do a Podcast in a God Honoring Way
We set the "good" book aside for the week and pull up some "meh" videos on modern Christianity. We react to way out of the logical box thinking on religion.
Meet Tim Mackie, one of the founders of Bible Project. Tim has some interesting ideas on the nature of God's space and Earth's space. And how they overlaPAH. Unfortunately we never are told the reason for Space's space.
And we jump on the shitposting bandwagon of Girl Defined. These Texas twerps for Jesus tell girls having sexual urges that they need to suppress that shit with a run and a prayer. They can't just do what God obviously built us to do and masturbate. Let's encourage someone to not feel shame by opening up to others about something *while* telling them what they're doing is wrong despite having no healthy control over it and giving them no practical advice besides "Suck it up, buttercup!" Because that's what Jesus would do.
OverlaPAH... overlaPAH... overlaPAH... Support the show
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Oct 9, 2022
Acts Pt. 4 - Mr. Paul Goes to Rome
We wrap up our 4 part series on the book of Acts and hear all about Paul's retirement in Rome. But that's skipping ahead.
First off, the unchanging, infallible Holy Spirit kicks off this episode by changing their mind on Paul going to Jerusalem. But don't worry, Paul ignores it and there is no consequences.
Paul has to prove his Judaism to the Christians. If that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, you're right. But in doing so he ends up getting arrested for being harassed. I bet he got t-shirts made, "Paul Lives Matter".
He bounces around authority figures judging him and not finding anything wrong that he did, yet still keeping him imprisoned. Until Jesus tells him he needs to go to Rome and appeal to Caesar himself.
So Paul goes to Rome where he... wait for it... never actually sees Caesar. He just lives under house arrest for the rest of his life. I think the writer just kinda gave up on plot at this point.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for reading these stupid notes!Su…
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Sep 25, 2022
Acts Pt. 3 - Better Call Paul
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing.
This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.
We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up.
Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.
It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!
PS - We recorded this before we recorded episode 32, hence episode 32 getting posted before episode 31. Support the show
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Sep 11, 2022
Lilac in the Briar Patch
We’re taking a short break from our series on the book of Acts this week to talk with Lilac, a teenager who was kicked out of her home because of religious issues with her Jehovah’s Witness family.
The first part of the episode, I’ll explain to Linz how I found out what was going on with Lilac and get Linz’s reaction.
And in the second part we have a call with Lilac.
If you’re interested in helping out Lilac, here is her Go Fund Me link. https://gofund.me/d83afbc7
And her artist insta is https://www.instagram.com/lilacthebard/
If you’ve been kicked out of your home and need help you can call 1-800-Runaway or go to 1800runaway.org for resources.Support the show
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Aug 28, 2022
Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet
We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon.
A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really into a prophesy that Philip completely gets wrong. Also it turns out Christians can teleport.
We have a real Saul on the road to Damascus moment, when we talk about Saul on the road to Damascus.
We talk about the most important woman to never get any attention in bible.
And Herod dies at the end in a really crazy way.
Sorry, just kinda throwing this summary together this week.Support the show
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Aug 14, 2022
Acts Pt. 1 – Goodness Gracious, Great Tongues of Fire!
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.
Judas gets replaced.
The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.
And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.Support the show
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Jul 31, 2022
Gospels Pt. 18 – Holy Jesus, Batman!
We wrap up our 18 part series on Jesus and the gospels with his bouncy ball burial. You just can’t keep this dude down.
While there’s some discrepancies among the gospels on the burial, that’s nothing compared to the resurrection. None of them can agree wtf happened. How many angels were there? Were they men or boys? Were there solders there? Did the women run off and not tell anyone what happened?
It’s a big mess, but we’ll lay it all out in our (finally) last episode of the gospels.Support the show
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Jul 17, 2022
Gospels Pt. 17 – You’re a Good Man, Pontius Pilate
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us.
But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him.
Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS!
And finally we discussion the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Including the rarely discussed zombie apocalypse that one of the gospels tells us happened when Jesus rose from the dead.
This is our first episode following the overturning of Roe. Linz shares her feelings on it. And we bring our grievances on the state of Christianity to God.
Love and kisses. Enjoy the episode.Support the show
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Jul 3, 2022
Gospels Pt. 16 – Hashtag Yolt
We start off by asking the ultimate question… What are the nuts in your life? But then we start talking about Jesus.
Jesus goes to the garden of Gethsemane where he keeps praying and his disciples keep falling asleep. Even when an angel shows up and scares Jesus so bad he starts sweating blood.
Judas does what he does best and betrays Jesus. He comes up with a suspiciously specific signal to point Jesus out to the crowd.
His arrest is a pretty straightforward story of a guy getting his ear cut off and a young man running away naked.
Jesus gets questioned by the Sanhedrin and the High Priest while Peter trying to deny Jesus three times as fast as he can to beat the rooster crowing.
And we have a little look back on our first year! Thank you to everyone who listens and supports the show!Support the show
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Jun 19, 2022
Gospels Pt. 15 – The Neverending Supper
Jesus is about to have his last supper and he uses his apparently psychic abilities to tell the disciples how to get it set up.
Then Jesus strips down and washes his disciples’ feet. I don’t know why he had to get naked for it, but there you go. Unless he’s not naked. Unless there is an opposite to “outer” clothing that we can’t think of.
Linz finds out that Judas was the treasurer of the disciples and we realize that they’re just Jesus’ board of directors and he’s the executive director of their non-profit. And nothing has changed in churches since.
We cover the first communion. Officially kicking off the new blood cult.
Then we go down the rabbit hole of John chapters 14-17. We sum it up quickly, reading this monotonous droning so you don’t have to.Support the show
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Jun 5, 2022
Gospels Pt. 14 – Dr. Sheol’s
“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-A
Crucifying Tony Stark – https://youtu.be/V9_AeLmuRKc?t=120
Turns out Jesus wants us to #TaxTheRich! At least that’s what he tells some Pharisee’s who try to trap him by asking one question and giving up.
Also, Jesus is asked important questions such as if a woman clearly kills 7 brothers, all of whom she married, which one will she be married to at the resurrection.
Resurrection? As in when we die we don’t actually go to heaven? Wtf? Did Jesus say that we don’t go to heaven?
Jesus brings down the vibe by reminding everyone that the temple is going to be destroyed. But he seems to get it confused with the end times.
We finally discuss the story of Lazarus, the real one, the one that ACTUALLY gets resurrected. And we dig into the confusion around was Mary and Martha there or just Mary?
There’s a cinematic version of jewish leaders plotting to kill J…
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May 22, 2022
Gospels Pt. 13 – Cloats (Trademark Pending)
*Zacchaeus the Tax Collector*
What does it take to get Jesus’ attention when you’re vertically challenged? Hope you’re good at climbing trees. If you are, hope you have space for Jesus to invite himself over for the night.
*Parable of the Ten Minas / Bags of Gold*
We discuss prosperity gospel cultists’ favorite parable about needing to gain interest on your money in order to win God’s love.
*Jesus Comes to Jerusalem*
We arrive at the first Palm Sunday. Jesus has to figure out how to ride a donkey and a colt simultaneously. You remember that commercial where Jean Claude Van Damme did the spits between two moving semi trucks? https://youtu.be/M7FIvfx5J10
*Fig Tree & The Money Changers*
It’s finally time to discuss Lindsay’s favorite story about Jesus killing a tree because it’s not in season. We do a deep dive into the likely reason why this crazy story was written. Also, what does it have to do with the story of the money changers?
And we also talk about the Para…
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May 8, 2022
Gospels Pt. 12 – Mother!
It’s a Mother’s Day episode! Josh’s mom, Jill, and Lindsay’s son, Connor, join us.
Speaking of mothers, we dig into the questions around Mother Teresa’s work. Was she actually helping people or just raising money for the catholic church?
We cover the parable of The Prodigal Son, the Shrewd Manager, and the Unmerciful Servant.
Jesus randomly drops a “don’t get divorced” line between stories.
And we analyze the story of the Rich Man and Lazarus (not that one, although maybe it is that one).
There’s a story about 10 lepers and we finally get to where Jesus talks about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Sorry if I’m being short. I’m on vacation as I’m writing this and there’s water and sunshine and this is a laptop and I’m getting judgmental looks from Linz and I think I’m done with this synopsis.
Happy Mother’s Day!Support the show
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Apr 24, 2022
Gospels Pt. 11 – Here’s Some Mud in Your Eye
Happy Orthodox Easter! What the hell is that anyway?
We kick off with Jesus spitting in some dirt, making some mud, and rubbing it into the eyes of a blind guy to make him see again. Which is weird since he’s healed a lot of blind people before yet never needed to spit in their face to do it. Hmmmm….
There’s the Parable of the Rich Fool, where we are told either that you need to not store up great wealth, or if you do you need to also donate to the church. It’s not quite clear which way this moral is supposed to fall.
Jesus talks about anxiety. Basically, don’t worry about food, water, or clothing. God will provide. Just ignore when he doesn’t, you naked and hungry heathen!
We find out only about 50% of people are getting into heaven. Doesn’t sound like much but that’s actually far more than most Christians think will get into heaven!
Ten virgins walk out into a field in the middle of the night to wait for a guy they’re all engaged to. Five of them forget to brin…
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Apr 10, 2022
Gospels Pt. 10 – Oh, the Audacity
Don’t look it up. Let’s see how well you remember it. Try to complete this sentence, “Our Father, who art in heaven…”
Of all the commandments God handed down throughout the Old Testament, which is the greatest? Trick question! Two of them are the greatest! And Jesus breaks them down, or has them broken down for him, depending on which gospel you read.
The sisters Mary and Martha show up. In theory these would be the sisters of Lazarus, however he doesn’t seem to be around in this story. Hmmmm. We find out Jesus cares way less about getting some lunch than he does having a chick hang out at his feet basking in his glory. That doesn’t sound like a cult leader at all.
Unsure of how to pray? Do you get on your knees and say, “Well, now what?” Jesus to the rescue. Find out how Jesus says you should pray with two different versions of the same prayer.
Jesus tells us how to get bread from friends in the middle of the night. The secret is audacity. So, too, will God give…
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Mar 27, 2022
Gospels Pt. 9 – Jesus Bleach
Have you ever wondered when Jesus went from a middle eastern person to a white Anglo-Saxon? No… it doesn’t just stem from German Protestant racism. It was the Transfiguration! When God bleaches Jesus’s clothes white and “transforms his face”.
Before that though we hear the confession of Peter. It’s pretty lame for a confession. More like him just being like, “Hey, I know you’re the messiah.”
A boy with epilepsy is brought to Jesus. His disciples keep trying to drive out the demon and it doesn’t work. Maybe it’s because he’s not possessed but in need of medical attention. Is that what Jesus says? No. Jesus explains that some demons can only be exorcised with prayer… even though he didn’t actually pray to have this particular demon exorcised.
Over and over again, Jesus tells the disciples he’s going to die and get resurrected and they DO NOT GET IT.
Jesus performs some coin/fish magic to pay a temple tax.
And Jesus sends out 72 of his followers to go th…
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Mar 13, 2022
Gospels Pt. 8 – Jesus Yeast
Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done… awkward. Also, don’t forget, they kept getting talked about even when they were “gone”.
Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 5,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 5,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with.
Apparently Jesus has to run off because he’s afraid people are going to “make him king by force”.
Look! On the sea! It’s a ghost! It’s a plane! No, it’s Jesusman! Jesus freaks the heck outta his disciples by walking on water out to them. In one of the gospels Peter goes out and walks with him. That is, until he hallucinates and starts seeing wind a…
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Feb 27, 2022
Gospels Pt. 7 – The Birds are Satan
It’s a parable filled episode and we dig into the storytelling of Jesus. Is he a great storyteller like Homer or Aesop? Or more like a Blue’s Clues reject writer, getting pissed off when the kids don’t understand what the hell the mustard seed means? Where the moral lessons aren’t to give to those in need or don’t be sexist, no matter how helpful those would have been to hear. The moral lessons are to believe in Jesus and that’s it.
Josh pucker’s some Christian buttholes by pointing out that Christianity started as an apocalyptic cult. “The end is neigh” mentality comes up throughout the gospels a lot more than folks realize.
Jesus’ family tries to have him committed. So that’s weird. It’s almost like Mary didn’t remember him being a virgin birth and God getting her pregnant.
The disciples interrupt Jesus’ circadian rhythms for a minor issue of a storm sinking the boat. We’re pretty sure it was while he was all warm and cozy as angels protected him from…
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Feb 13, 2022
Gospels Pt. 6 – Mary and Her Nards
This was an interesting one, folks. We find out how one major character’s traditional backstory is complete bullshit.
But first, the BIG sermon. You could even say it’s mountainous. It’s the Sermon on the “Mount”. Because that sounds better than Sermon on the “Level Place”.
We kick it off with the Beatitudes. Both sets of them. And we discover where the persecution fetish in so many pious folks comes from.
Who cares about the War on Christmas, we declare a War on Easter! For absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Linz’s favorite bible story comes up, where a Roman centurion is more faithful than everyone else Jesus seems to have met (which includes his own disciples).
And finally we cover the many versions of the story where Jesus gets anointed by some woman. The writer of John really screws up the story by throwing his own anti-Semitic slant on the story.
Pour this episode in your ears for one and half hours for maximum effectiveness. Side effects may include holy hole…
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Jan 30, 2022
Gospels Pt. 5 – Fight Club Jesus
We kick off this episode hearing a miraculous story about two blind men somehow being able to follow Jesus as he dodges their pleas for help. After he relents he’s suddenly stopped by the most pointless demon ever to exist.
We get a riveting story about plucking grain on the sabbath.
Jesus picks 12 of his disciples (which may have been all his disciples) to become “Apostles” and go throughout Israel to spread the word. He says they won’t be done by the time he returns, which makes sense because it doesn’t seem like they’re in any hurry to actually leave. They keep showing up after that.
Also, we’re not entirely sure who these 12 were since the gospels give different names.
You know how Jesus is all about love? And how God is love? Well, Jesus goes off on a whole rant about making enemies of your family and that Jesus (who everyone needs to take on faith) needs to be more important than your family (who you do not need to take on faith).
And even more healings!
In al…
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Jan 16, 2022
Gospels Pt. 4 – Validating the Invalid
These days to get famous you just need good looks and a smartphone. But people forget that to get famous in biblical times you needed to cure leprosy and paralysis.
But life is tough when you become a religious influencer. You get crowded. And there’s probably other problems. It gets so hard sometimes you get indignant at people who want your help. No matter how much you tell people not to talk about you healing them, they just go out and blather on about it to everyone. “Oh look at me! I can walk again! There’s the guy that did it!” Assholes.
Then when they write your life story, all anyone writes about is the miracles you perform and almost nothing about your philosophy. And they don’t even get the details right. Assholes.
Even worse, Jesus just won’t stop breaking the law by healing people on the sabbath. Obviously, that is the focus Pharisees would have had seeing people cured of lifelong disabilities. If you’re going to drive out a demon, make sure it’s not on a…
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Jan 2, 2022
Gospels Pt. 3 – You Are About to be Tooken
In this episode we kick off finding out the bible (which is perfect) has conflicting genealogies for Joseph, Jesus’ step dad. And Josh blowing Linz’s mind that John 3:16 isn’t a verse about good sportsmanship.
When we finally dig into the story of Jesus we look at his first miracle! Such an important event would obviously be thoroughly documented in each of the gospels. Wait, no. Actually it’s just in one of them. And for his first miracle, obviously Jesus is going to do something crucial like heal someone or even raise them from the dead, right? Wait, no. Actually it’s just to restock the wine at a wedding. Oh well!
Then Jesus goes badass! No one turns religion into a profitable business on his watch. He busts up the money changers at the temple with a FUCKING WHIP! I wonder what Jesus would do in a mega church these days.
What does it mean to be born again? We get into a debate over the meaning behind the phrase. And Linz describes her use of that phrase as a noun such a…
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Dec 19, 2021
Saturnalia for the Paganalia: A Christmas Special
Ho ho ho all you sinners and sodomites! We’re jumping the shark with a Christmas special! Made even more special by Josh’s mom, Jill, who stopped by as our first guest.
We review Kirk Cameron’s Christmas shit-show “Saving Christmas” and discuss “Christmas with the Chosen: the Messenger”. With such as thorough title, will it be as thorough with the story of the nativity?
We dig into how Christmas got started. What was Saturnalia? Was Jesus born on December 25th? And who who who was the real Santa Claus?
And we ask if the virgin birth wasn’t true, could Jesus still be the Messiah?
On top of all that, Jill (apparently) finds out for the first time how Josh left the faith.
And from Josh and Linz, we want to thank all of you for listening. Have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a happy New Year!Support the show
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Dec 5, 2021
Gospels Pt. 2 – Geriatric Parenting 101
Jesus jumps from twelve years old to thirty years old without any apparent need to inform us about his formative years. Did he get acne? Or surprise boners? {Insert raising Lazarus joke here} Did he get his Masters in Divinity from ITT Tech?
Also, we quickly struggle with how to organize stories that take place at different times in all the gospels. Like seriously, they cannot agree on when things happened.
But the first story we dig into is Jesus’ baptism. This first story we come to that is in all four gospels, though not the same in all four gospels. You ever jump in a river, have the sky crack open, and a nightmare bird come down shouting praises at you? If so, you might be Jesus.
From there, Jesus walked dripping into the desert to face Satan for the first (and only) time. A story so epic, it’s only in three of the gospels and even then Mark’s two sentence version doesn’t really count either. We learn a valuable lesson, no matter how tempting it is to throw yourself off…
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Nov 21, 2021
Gospels Pt. 1 – Nativity: The Musical
Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels.
But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run from an evil king escaping to Egypt. Then we’ll hear about a small family casually raising their god-baby.
And, oh boy, is this a story for musical lovers. Everyone breaks into song. Baby kick? Let’s sing a song. Get unmuted after pissing off an angel 9 months ago? Let’s sing a song. Pick up a messiah baby? We’ve got a song for that!
Finally, we’ll learn why being a shepherd on a certain quiet, holy night was probably shit-your-pants terrifying. Let’s just say the stars weren’t the only things brightly shining.
So strap in and strap on to hear th…
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Nov 7, 2021
All About the He Said, She Said Bull$#!*
While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicting commandments. Things I’m sure I noticed growing up as a Christian, but I wrote off as a lack of biblical knowledge on my part.
I started doing research into what modern science and scholars can tell us about the actual history of the bible and the people it talks about. What I found cracked my view of the world apart like the first time evolution was explained to me by someone who wasn’t a creationist.
I found a people who were pushed around by the world powers of the time. A people who had a brief period where those powers stayed at bay long enough to create an identity for themselves. An identity that, while evolving with time, has endured and changed the trajectory of history. An identity that was hijacked and used as a cudgel by another religion.
For sources and additional information, go to https://www.biblestoriesforatheis…
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Oct 24, 2021
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Restart
Does God only love a few thousand people? Is there a second set of Ten Commandments? Is Moses getting exposed to high doses of radiation? Is Aaron getting bullied into building bull gods? All these questions and more go unanswered in this week’s episode.
God asked to talk to Moses, bulls need to be killed. Time for blood magic. After spraying the crowd down with bull blood, Moses takes a group up to see God in the flesh, but not really since people can’t see God, but it says they saw God and the Bible can’t be wrong, but then why does it say later that they can’t see God?
Have you ever stepped out for 40 days, learned way too much about lamp stand construction, and when you come back everyone in your house is a pagan? Moses has.
Aaron takes an unexpected turn making an idol for the Israelites and throws the first Burning Man festival. While disappointing, Moses may have had a bit of an overreaction to it.
Moses starts feeling inadequate and asks God to show themselves to Mo…
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Oct 10, 2021
Manna Crusted Quail with Rock Water
We get to the actual exodus in this episode, wherein the Israelites exit Egypt. But first they need to fake out Pharaoh so God can kill more Egyptians.
Much like the Ever Given, God parts the Suez Canal and causes a serious mess for international trade. Oh yeah, and needlessly kills people. But it’s fine, because it’s so people know that God has glory.
The Israelites arrive in the wilderness, get thirsty, and completely forget everything that has happened. To keep them from running back to the Egyptians, God tells Moses throw a piece of wood into a pool of “bitter water” to purify it. And it works!
A while later, the Israelites get hungry and completely forget everything that has happened. To keep them from running back to the Egyptians, God gives them quail and powdered sweet bread. And it works!
A while later, the Israelites get thirsty again and completely forget everything that has happened. To keep them from running back to the Egyptians, God has Moses crack open rock…
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Sep 26, 2021
Stuck Between a Desert and Pharaoh’s Hard Place
Here it is, folks. The plagues! You know. That time when God wiped out a whole bunch of people instead of just letting Pharaoh do the right thing. And why? Because they wanted to get Pharaoh’s dick hard… I MEAN HEART! Or do I?
We learn why the NIV bible’s footnotes seem to think you didn’t need God for most of the plagues to have happened at all.
The first Passover comes up and it turns out there’s a contradiction in the rules for Passover and even in the bible they have to deal with that contradiction.
And we get to the waters edge of not the Red Sea.Support the show
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Sep 12, 2021
Yes, That Moses
Things have been looking grim for the Israelites since the days of Joseph. God has allowed their chosen people to fall into slavery because… reasons. But then came Moses.
We’ll dig into Moses’ mom’s scheme to get paid to take care of her son. His trip through the desert which will later take him 40 years to get through. And the gay power-couple who become his fathers-in-law.
Then we settle in for a mushroom trip in the desert. The Angel of the Lord shows up, sets a bush on fire, and then gets shoved out so God can have a word with Moses. This hero of a thousand faces gets a surreal call-to-action when God finally remembers their people’s suffering. To help him on the way, God teaches him some magic tricks. When that’s not enough for Moses, God says screw it and says his brother, Aaron, can do all the work.
Oh yeah, and we find out that God causes people to be blind, deaf, and mute. But just don’t forget. THIS IS THE SAME GOD AS GENESIS! Seriously, stop acting like its…
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Aug 29, 2021
Joseph: Now In Technicolor – Pt. 2
And on the fifth episode we wrapped up the story of Joseph. And the story was mediocre, at best. You know that awkward moment when you run into that brother you sold into slavery who is now a super successful right-hand ruler of Egypt? We’ve all been there, and thankfully the bible provides relevant moral lessons when in such a circumstance.
We start with the Jacob family staring contest. No one wins, everyone goes hungry. May the odds never matter because God just does whatever they like anyway.
An important lesson is learned on how to know if someone is a spy. Here’s a dead giveaway, do they have a brother? If so, not a spy. Also, when trying to trick your family into taking food for free, make sure to freak them out significantly by acting like an asshole to them then slipping money in their sacks.
Is Joseph a good guy? All signs point to no as we find out how his reign played out for Egyptians. Do we ever find out what happens to the technicolor dream coat? No. Let go of the…
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Aug 15, 2021
Joseph: Now in Technicolor – Pt. 1
You’ve seen the musical, now hear the disturbingly disappointing actual story of Joseph and his Technicolor Dream Resume.
In this dramatic re-imagining of Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer, Jacob’s favorite son is the little tattle tale all his brothers love to hate. Remember, kids. Snitches get thrown in a cistern and sold into slavery!
Tired of hearing about Joseph after only one chapter? God thought you would be! So we get a little side story following Joseph’s brother Judah. That scamp gets into all kinds of trouble involving a tryst gone-a-miss with a mysterious prostitute. What do you expect from the father of the man who invented the world’s oldest form of birth control?
Is that story done already? Great! Now let’s never hear about Judah’s personal life again and check back in with Joseph. Unfortunately, he’s been sold into slavery by his own family, and yet his boss gets this notion that God is granting Joseph favor in everything he does. So he puts Joseph in char…
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Aug 1, 2021
Balaam and His Donkey
Like every youth pastor has said since 2001, Shrek wasn’t the first to go bonkers from a talking donkey. Meet Balaam. A pagan prophet with a reverence for God. A conman with the night time number to the Almighty. The misunderstood messenger who only does what God tells him and somehow ends up the bad guy.
Buckle up for some holy whiplash, folks. God never changes Their mind, except when They do. Then They’ll take you on a Them-damn roller coaster. And don’t forget to ask for specifics when God tells you to go someplace. Should you go physically and mentally? Just physically? Just mentally? Oh no! You got it wrong. Now God sent a hitman.
Speaking of which, we are very excited that our guest star for this story will be *the* Angel of the Lord, brought to you by Acme Telecom Solutions. Angels, what they lack in humanity they make up for in immobility.
Lock up your bulls and rams because Balaam is coming to town! And he’s opened wide for the word of the Lord. Support the show
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Jul 18, 2021
Jacob Pt. 2
We pick the story up where we left off in Genesis 30. Jacob is married to his two cousins, and tricked into working seven additional years by his uncle / father-in-law.
Jacob adds a few servant wives who start cranking out sons like it’s their only purpose. We learn the fair price for mandrakes when selling them to your back stabbing sister. And God finally remembers Rachel! We’re going to ignore that means that God forgot something.
Jacob rips off his uncle before splitting town. Rachel almost gets busted for stealing from her dad but is saved by menstruation.
We hear the detailed account of angels meeting with Jacob at the “camp of God” called Mahanaim. And Jacob wrestles with some bad story telling all night and walks away with a new name.
Esau and Jacob finally reunite. Will Esau go full werewolf and tear Jacob apart?
Finally, we cover the only story about a daughter of Jacob. Dinah takes the stage in a story that barely has her in it. She gets raped and rescued. There…
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Jul 4, 2021
Jacob Pt. 1
We kick off this podcast with the story of Jacob. How do you succeed in life in BCE 1800 when you’re a 2nd born twin, and an indoor kid with a hairy jock brother? The answer is obviously damn good lentil stew. Also, lying. Also, marrying your cousins instead of Hittite women who annoy your parents.
We learn the how to handle yourself in a foreign city with a hot wife. Say she’s your sister and you get free stuff! As a bonus, if she gets raped you won’t get killed. This works so well it happens three different times!
We find out that water wells were the Tesla’s of the day. Jacob breaks guitar store rules by rocking Stairway to Heaven. There are pillars going up left and right and places are getting named so often with so little reason you might just think that was the entire point of the scriptures!
It turns out family is just a word for people who screw you over to get ahead in life. Whether that’s your brother, your mother, or your uncle / father-in-law.
God teaches us…
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Jun 1, 2021
Podcast Trailer
Often we’re told that we need to read the bible. That it would cure us of our atheism. We’re told that the bible is perfect and all answers come from the bible. Welp, let’s take a look at what the bible actually says.
Every week Josh summarizes stories from the bible that Linz is hearing for the first time. There’s no easy outs on this one. No one telling us, “Here’s what the bible really means” then adding stuff that’s not actually there. No one telling us, “The culture was different” when explaining why God didn’t let us all know that women are equal. Let’s see if this is truly the Word of God or just a way for politicians to control their people thousands of years ago.
You’re in for one hell of an experience. There’s incest. Uncles swapping out daughters left and right. Talking animals. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. You’re going to love it.
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