Bible Stories for Atheists
Bible Stories for Atheists
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Your guides to the miraculously macabre stories literaly literarily littering the bible.
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Mar 12, 2023
Joshua Pt. 1 - Rinse and Repeat, Repeat and Rinse
I'll be honest. This episode is about crossing a river. We cover 5 chapters of the bible, and at the beginning of it some people are on one side of a river, and at the end those people are on the other side of the river.
If you're into rivers, this episode is for you. If you loved River Phoenix in the 1992 cinema masterpiece "Sneakers" then this episode is for you. If you loved the 1992 cinema masterpiece "A River Runs Through It" this episode is NOT for you. That movie was about going down a river in a boat. This episode is about crossing a river. Very different. But if you loved 1992 because of all the river movies that came out that year then this episode is for you.
Also we're talking about Joshua. Not the world famous atheist podcast host. No. This is the original Joshua. The one who crosses the river. Podcast Josh has probably crossed rivers at times, but no one put that in the bible. No one stacked stones for podcast Josh. No one cut off the ends of their penises when podcast Josh asked them to. But also no one stole his shoes.
So I hope that has successfully informed you on the content of this episode.
It is now 12:11am the night before this episode comes out. I spent about 6 hours editing today and the episode was already pretty much done when I had started. I don't know what happened. No, I do know what happened. Linz went out of town for the weekend and no one was here to tell me, "You need to see sunlight or you'll grow mushrooms on your skin, podcast Josh!"
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
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YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
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Feb 26, 2023
(Re-Release) All About the He Said, She Said Bull$#!*
While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicting commandments. Things I’m sure I noticed growing up as a Christian, but I wrote off as a lack of biblical knowledge on my part.
I started doing research into what modern science and scholars can tell us about the actual history of the bible and the people it talks about. What I found cracked my view of the world apart like the first time evolution was explained to me by someone who wasn’t a creationist.
I found a people who were pushed around by the world powers of the time. A people who had a brief period where those powers stayed at bay long enough to create an identity for themselves. An identity that, while evolving with time, has endured and changed the trajectory of history. An identity that was hijacked and used as a cudgel by another religion.
For sources and additional information, go to https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com/resources/bible-history
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Feb 12, 2023
Jonah - What an Ashole!
We finally cover the story of the little wooden prophet who wanted to be a real boy so bad he ended up in the belly of a whale. Ok, so he wasn't wooden, didn't want to be a real boy, and it was a fish and not a whale. But still!
Hear the iconic tale of Jonah being swallowed for a fi... oh it's over? Just like that, it's just done? Well how are we going to sell children's books based on this? Children and their parents aren't going to read the original story so we can make up stuff to fill space? Awesome. Christian capitalism in action!
It's a super short story so there's not much else to say about it. Also, I would totally jerk off a dolphin for humanity to have clean energy. Just going on the record now.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
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YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
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Jan 29, 2023
The Book of Josh
We dive deep into Josh. Or at least Josh's past. How he went from devout Christian to a raging atheist.
Was it because of all the Carmen, dc talk, and POD he listened to growing up? Was it because he learned about creationism from Canned Hamm? Was it because he went to a Christian university that didn't allow dancing? Nope. Ultimately it's God's fault.
Big thank you to a couple listeners for sharing their stories about waking up and dropping belief in the Jehovah's Witnesses!
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Jan 15, 2023
Esther - Haman Pockets
We take on the 2nd and last book named for a woman. Will she be a feminist icon? No. I'll just let you know that now. But she will make a few decisions for herself. So yay for progress.
Have you ever wondered, "What's up with the Jewish holiday of Purim?" I know you have. I heard you whispering about it into your pillow at night. "Where did Purim come from?" you asked into what you thought was the empty darkness of your bedroom. Quieter than silence, your quivering voice asks, "Why are they called Haman's ears?" I heard you. I always hear you.
And you're in luck! Because this is it.
Hope you enjoy the show! See you soon...
...sooner than you might even know...
...sleep tight...
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Jan 1, 2023
Dognapping a Fuckuski
Happy New Year all you sinners and sodomites! We're having ourselves a laid back episode where we go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole on Yzidism, a religion where one of the central figures is a Peacock Angel.
And we talk about a great post a listener left on our subreddit.
Pardon the goddamn husky belonging to our neighbor barking in the background practically the entire time. And our cat, Frodo, jumping in with his own meowing. I guess animals aren't our target demographic.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
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Dec 18, 2022
Ruth - Why Don't You Come Up and Uncover My Feet Sometime?
This week we blow through Ruth, one of the shorter books of the bible, in a single episode.
We find out about Naomi, whose sons break religious law by marrying Moabite women, not that anyone mentions that. But when her husband and sons die in seemingly unrelated events, Naomi and her daughter-in-law, Ruth, return to Judah.
Naomi and Ruth work on getting Ruth married off to one of Naomi's rich cousins because in this Christian "feminism" tale, you can't be a woman of value without a rich husband.
Oi, Saturnalia everyone! Have a great holiday!
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
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Dec 4, 2022
Job Pt. 2 - Winter is Coming, and So is God
You know that feeling when you're talking with 3 of your friends in poetic verse for a few days and then you find out there was another guy there the entire time? Job does.
This young guy, Elihu, apparently has been there this entire time and is pissed off at everybody. He goes on a rant and then disappears into the background again. Almost as if he was just an afterthought by the writer.
Then God finally addresses Job's complaints about killing his family, servants, and livestock by pointing out how much more powerful he is than Job. Thereby making killing everyone okay... I guess.
You know how powerful God is? Chapter 41 is dedicated to God making Godzilla (aka Leviathan). That's how powerful God is. So how could God do anything wrong?
Let's put this weird book to bed and move on with our lives!
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Nov 20, 2022
Job Pt. 1 - Mouth Relief... Just, Mouth Relief.
We kick off a two part series on the Book of Job. That weird book people LOVE to talk about but no one reads...
I guess that's not specific enough. That weird book where god suddenly unleashes unending cruelty on someone for no reason...
I guess that's not specific enough. It's the one where god makes a bet with Satan that he has Job gaslit enough that if he completely ruined Job's life Job would still worship him. But remember, God is Love.
The book is almost completely written in poetry and the majority of it is about Job debating with is friends whether or not he deserves all this anguish. So that's fun!
I had to read it so you have to listen to it, damn it! We'll get through this together.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Oct 23, 2022
How to do a Podcast in a God Honoring Way
We set the "good" book aside for the week and pull up some "meh" videos on modern Christianity. We react to way out of the logical box thinking on religion.
Meet Tim Mackie, one of the founders of Bible Project. Tim has some interesting ideas on the nature of God's space and Earth's space. And how they overlaPAH. Unfortunately we never are told the reason for Space's space.
And we jump on the shitposting bandwagon of Girl Defined. These Texas twerps for Jesus tell girls having sexual urges that they need to suppress that shit with a run and a prayer. They can't just do what God obviously built us to do and masturbate. Let's encourage someone to not feel shame by opening up to others about something *while* telling them what they're doing is wrong despite having no healthy control over it and giving them no practical advice besides "Suck it up, buttercup!" Because that's what Jesus would do.
OverlaPAH... overlaPAH... overlaPAH...
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Oct 9, 2022
Acts Pt. 4 - Mr. Paul Goes to Rome
We wrap up our 4 part series on the book of Acts and hear all about Paul's retirement in Rome. But that's skipping ahead.
First off, the unchanging, infallible Holy Spirit kicks off this episode by changing their mind on Paul going to Jerusalem. But don't worry, Paul ignores it and there is no consequences.
Paul has to prove his Judaism to the Christians. If that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, you're right. But in doing so he ends up getting arrested for being harassed. I bet he got t-shirts made, "Paul Lives Matter".
He bounces around authority figures judging him and not finding anything wrong that he did, yet still keeping him imprisoned. Until Jesus tells him he needs to go to Rome and appeal to Caesar himself.
So Paul goes to Rome where he... wait for it... never actually sees Caesar. He just lives under house arrest for the rest of his life. I think the writer just kinda gave up on plot at this point.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for reading these stupid notes!…
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Sep 25, 2022
Acts Pt. 3 - Better Call Paul
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing.
This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.
We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up.
Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.
It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!
PS - We recorded this before we recorded episode 32, hence episode 32 getting posted before episode 31.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
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Sep 11, 2022
Lilac in the Briar Patch
We’re taking a short break from our series on the book of Acts this week to talk with Lilac, a teenager who was kicked out of her home because of religious issues with her Jehovah’s Witness family.
The first part of the episode, I’ll explain to Linz how I found out what was going on with Lilac and get Linz’s reaction.
And in the second part we have a call with Lilac.
If you’re interested in helping out Lilac, here is her Go Fund Me link. https://gofund.me/d83afbc7
And her artist insta is https://www.instagram.com/lilacthebard/
If you’ve been kicked out of your home and need help you can call 1-800-Runaway or go to 1800runaway.org for resources.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Aug 28, 2022
Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet
We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon.
A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really into a prophesy that Philip completely gets wrong. Also it turns out Christians can teleport.
We have a real Saul on the road to Damascus moment, when we talk about Saul on the road to Damascus.
We talk about the most important woman to never get any attention in bible.
And Herod dies at the end in a really crazy way.
Sorry, just kinda throwing this summary together this week.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Aug 14, 2022
Acts Pt. 1 – Goodness Gracious, Great Tongues of Fire!
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.
Judas gets replaced.
The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.
And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Jul 31, 2022
Gospels Pt. 18 – Holy Jesus, Batman!
We wrap up our 18 part series on Jesus and the gospels with his bouncy ball burial. You just can’t keep this dude down.
While there’s some discrepancies among the gospels on the burial, that’s nothing compared to the resurrection. None of them can agree wtf happened. How many angels were there? Were they men or boys? Were there solders there? Did the women run off and not tell anyone what happened?
It’s a big mess, but we’ll lay it all out in our (finally) last episode of the gospels.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
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Jul 17, 2022
Gospels Pt. 17 – You’re a Good Man, Pontius Pilate
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us.
But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him.
Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS!
And finally we discussion the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Including the rarely discussed zombie apocalypse that one of the gospels tells us happened when Jesus rose from the dead.
This is our first episode following the overturning of Roe. Linz shares her feelings on it. And we bring our grievances on the state of Christianity to God.
Love and kisses. Enjoy the episode.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
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Jul 3, 2022
Gospels Pt. 16 – Hashtag Yolt
We start off by asking the ultimate question… What are the nuts in your life? But then we start talking about Jesus.
Jesus goes to the garden of Gethsemane where he keeps praying and his disciples keep falling asleep. Even when an angel shows up and scares Jesus so bad he starts sweating blood.
Judas does what he does best and betrays Jesus. He comes up with a suspiciously specific signal to point Jesus out to the crowd.
His arrest is a pretty straightforward story of a guy getting his ear cut off and a young man running away naked.
Jesus gets questioned by the Sanhedrin and the High Priest while Peter trying to deny Jesus three times as fast as he can to beat the rooster crowing.
And we have a little look back on our first year! Thank you to everyone who listens and supports the show!
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheists
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa
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Jun 19, 2022
Gospels Pt. 15 – The Neverending Supper
Jesus is about to have his last supper and he uses his apparently psychic abilities to tell the disciples how to get it set up.
Then Jesus strips down and washes his disciples’ feet. I don’t know why he had to get naked for it, but there you go. Unless he’s not naked. Unless there is an opposite to “outer” clothing that we can’t think of.
Linz finds out that Judas was the treasurer of the disciples and we realize that they’re just Jesus’ board of directors and he’s the executive director of their non-profit. And nothing has changed in churches since.
We cover the first communion. Officially kicking off the new blood cult.
Then we go down the rabbit hole of John chapters 14-17. We sum it up quickly, reading this monotonous droning so you don’t have to.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
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Jun 5, 2022
Gospels Pt. 14 – Dr. Sheol’s
“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-A
Crucifying Tony Stark – https://youtu.be/V9_AeLmuRKc?t=120
Turns out Jesus wants us to #TaxTheRich! At least that’s what he tells some Pharisee’s who try to trap him by asking one question and giving up.
Also, Jesus is asked important questions such as if a woman clearly kills 7 brothers, all of whom she married, which one will she be married to at the resurrection.
Resurrection? As in when we die we don’t actually go to heaven? Wtf? Did Jesus say that we don’t go to heaven?
Jesus brings down the vibe by reminding everyone that the temple is going to be destroyed. But he seems to get it confused with the end times.
We finally discuss the story of Lazarus, the real one, the one that ACTUALLY gets resurrected. And we dig into the confusion around was Mary and Martha there or just Mary?
There’s a cinematic version of jewish leaders plotting to kill J…
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May 22, 2022
Gospels Pt. 13 – Cloats (Trademark Pending)
*Zacchaeus the Tax Collector*
What does it take to get Jesus’ attention when you’re vertically challenged? Hope you’re good at climbing trees. If you are, hope you have space for Jesus to invite himself over for the night.
*Parable of the Ten Minas / Bags of Gold*
We discuss prosperity gospel cultists’ favorite parable about needing to gain interest on your money in order to win God’s love.
*Jesus Comes to Jerusalem*
We arrive at the first Palm Sunday. Jesus has to figure out how to ride a donkey and a colt simultaneously. You remember that commercial where Jean Claude Van Damme did the spits between two moving semi trucks? https://youtu.be/M7FIvfx5J10
*Fig Tree & The Money Changers*
It’s finally time to discuss Lindsay’s favorite story about Jesus killing a tree because it’s not in season. We do a deep dive into the likely reason why this crazy story was written. Also, what does it have to do with the story of the money changers?
And we also talk about the Para…
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May 8, 2022
Gospels Pt. 12 – Mother!
It’s a Mother’s Day episode! Josh’s mom, Jill, and Lindsay’s son, Connor, join us.
Speaking of mothers, we dig into the questions around Mother Teresa’s work. Was she actually helping people or just raising money for the catholic church?
We cover the parable of The Prodigal Son, the Shrewd Manager, and the Unmerciful Servant.
Jesus randomly drops a “don’t get divorced” line between stories.
And we analyze the story of the Rich Man and Lazarus (not that one, although maybe it is that one).
There’s a story about 10 lepers and we finally get to where Jesus talks about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Sorry if I’m being short. I’m on vacation as I’m writing this and there’s water and sunshine and this is a laptop and I’m getting judgmental looks from Linz and I think I’m done with this synopsis.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
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Apr 24, 2022
Gospels Pt. 11 – Here’s Some Mud in Your Eye
Happy Orthodox Easter! What the hell is that anyway?
We kick off with Jesus spitting in some dirt, making some mud, and rubbing it into the eyes of a blind guy to make him see again. Which is weird since he’s healed a lot of blind people before yet never needed to spit in their face to do it. Hmmmm….
There’s the Parable of the Rich Fool, where we are told either that you need to not store up great wealth, or if you do you need to also donate to the church. It’s not quite clear which way this moral is supposed to fall.
Jesus talks about anxiety. Basically, don’t worry about food, water, or clothing. God will provide. Just ignore when he doesn’t, you naked and hungry heathen!
We find out only about 50% of people are getting into heaven. Doesn’t sound like much but that’s actually far more than most Christians think will get into heaven!
Ten virgins walk out into a field in the middle of the night to wait for a guy they’re all engaged to. Five of them forget to brin…
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Apr 10, 2022
Gospels Pt. 10 – Oh, the Audacity
Don’t look it up. Let’s see how well you remember it. Try to complete this sentence, “Our Father, who art in heaven…”
Of all the commandments God handed down throughout the Old Testament, which is the greatest? Trick question! Two of them are the greatest! And Jesus breaks them down, or has them broken down for him, depending on which gospel you read.
The sisters Mary and Martha show up. In theory these would be the sisters of Lazarus, however he doesn’t seem to be around in this story. Hmmmm. We find out Jesus cares way less about getting some lunch than he does having a chick hang out at his feet basking in his glory. That doesn’t sound like a cult leader at all.
Unsure of how to pray? Do you get on your knees and say, “Well, now what?” Jesus to the rescue. Find out how Jesus says you should pray with two different versions of the same prayer.
Jesus tells us how to get bread from friends in the middle of the night. The secret is audacity. So, too, will God give…
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Mar 27, 2022
Gospels Pt. 9 – Jesus Bleach
Have you ever wondered when Jesus went from a middle eastern person to a white Anglo-Saxon? No… it doesn’t just stem from German Protestant racism. It was the Transfiguration! When God bleaches Jesus’s clothes white and “transforms his face”.
Before that though we hear the confession of Peter. It’s pretty lame for a confession. More like him just being like, “Hey, I know you’re the messiah.”
A boy with epilepsy is brought to Jesus. His disciples keep trying to drive out the demon and it doesn’t work. Maybe it’s because he’s not possessed but in need of medical attention. Is that what Jesus says? No. Jesus explains that some demons can only be exorcised with prayer… even though he didn’t actually pray to have this particular demon exorcised.
Over and over again, Jesus tells the disciples he’s going to die and get resurrected and they DO NOT GET IT.
Jesus performs some coin/fish magic to pay a temple tax.
And Jesus sends out 72 of his followers to go th…
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Mar 13, 2022
Gospels Pt. 8 – Jesus Yeast
Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done… awkward. Also, don’t forget, they kept getting talked about even when they were “gone”.
Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 5,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 5,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with.
Apparently Jesus has to run off because he’s afraid people are going to “make him king by force”.
Look! On the sea! It’s a ghost! It’s a plane! No, it’s Jesusman! Jesus freaks the heck outta his disciples by walking on water out to them. In one of the gospels Peter goes out and walks with him. That is, until he hallucinates and starts seeing wind a…
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Feb 27, 2022
Gospels Pt. 7 – The Birds are Satan
It’s a parable filled episode and we dig into the storytelling of Jesus. Is he a great storyteller like Homer or Aesop? Or more like a Blue’s Clues reject writer, getting pissed off when the kids don’t understand what the hell the mustard seed means? Where the moral lessons aren’t to give to those in need or don’t be sexist, no matter how helpful those would have been to hear. The moral lessons are to believe in Jesus and that’s it.
Josh pucker’s some Christian buttholes by pointing out that Christianity started as an apocalyptic cult. “The end is neigh” mentality comes up throughout the gospels a lot more than folks realize.
Jesus’ family tries to have him committed. So that’s weird. It’s almost like Mary didn’t remember him being a virgin birth and God getting her pregnant.
The disciples interrupt Jesus’ circadian rhythms for a minor issue of a storm sinking the boat. We’re pretty sure it was while he was all warm and cozy as angels protected him from…
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Feb 13, 2022
Gospels Pt. 6 – Mary and Her Nards
This was an interesting one, folks. We find out how one major character’s traditional backstory is complete bullshit.
But first, the BIG sermon. You could even say it’s mountainous. It’s the Sermon on the “Mount”. Because that sounds better than Sermon on the “Level Place”.
We kick it off with the Beatitudes. Both sets of them. And we discover where the persecution fetish in so many pious folks comes from.
Who cares about the War on Christmas, we declare a War on Easter! For absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Linz’s favorite bible story comes up, where a Roman centurion is more faithful than everyone else Jesus seems to have met (which includes his own disciples).
And finally we cover the many versions of the story where Jesus gets anointed by some woman. The writer of John really screws up the story by throwing his own anti-Semitic slant on the story.
Pour this episode in your ears for one and half hours for maximum effectiveness. Side effects may include holy hole…
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Jan 30, 2022
Gospels Pt. 5 – Fight Club Jesus
We kick off this episode hearing a miraculous story about two blind men somehow being able to follow Jesus as he dodges their pleas for help. After he relents he’s suddenly stopped by the most pointless demon ever to exist.
We get a riveting story about plucking grain on the sabbath.
Jesus picks 12 of his disciples (which may have been all his disciples) to become “Apostles” and go throughout Israel to spread the word. He says they won’t be done by the time he returns, which makes sense because it doesn’t seem like they’re in any hurry to actually leave. They keep showing up after that.
Also, we’re not entirely sure who these 12 were since the gospels give different names.
You know how Jesus is all about love? And how God is love? Well, Jesus goes off on a whole rant about making enemies of your family and that Jesus (who everyone needs to take on faith) needs to be more important than your family (who you do not need to take on faith).
And even more healings!
In al…
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Jan 16, 2022
Gospels Pt. 4 – Validating the Invalid
These days to get famous you just need good looks and a smartphone. But people forget that to get famous in biblical times you needed to cure leprosy and paralysis.
But life is tough when you become a religious influencer. You get crowded. And there’s probably other problems. It gets so hard sometimes you get indignant at people who want your help. No matter how much you tell people not to talk about you healing them, they just go out and blather on about it to everyone. “Oh look at me! I can walk again! There’s the guy that did it!” Assholes.
Then when they write your life story, all anyone writes about is the miracles you perform and almost nothing about your philosophy. And they don’t even get the details right. Assholes.
Even worse, Jesus just won’t stop breaking the law by healing people on the sabbath. Obviously, that is the focus Pharisees would have had seeing people cured of lifelong disabilities. If you’re going to drive out a demon, make sure it’s not on a…
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Jan 2, 2022
Gospels Pt. 3 – You Are About to be Tooken
In this episode we kick off finding out the bible (which is perfect) has conflicting genealogies for Joseph, Jesus’ step dad. And Josh blowing Linz’s mind that John 3:16 isn’t a verse about good sportsmanship.
When we finally dig into the story of Jesus we look at his first miracle! Such an important event would obviously be thoroughly documented in each of the gospels. Wait, no. Actually it’s just in one of them. And for his first miracle, obviously Jesus is going to do something crucial like heal someone or even raise them from the dead, right? Wait, no. Actually it’s just to restock the wine at a wedding. Oh well!
Then Jesus goes badass! No one turns religion into a profitable business on his watch. He busts up the money changers at the temple with a FUCKING WHIP! I wonder what Jesus would do in a mega church these days.
What does it mean to be born again? We get into a debate over the meaning behind the phrase. And Linz describes her use of that phrase as a noun such a…
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Dec 19, 2021
Saturnalia for the Paganalia: A Christmas Special
Ho ho ho all you sinners and sodomites! We’re jumping the shark with a Christmas special! Made even more special by Josh’s mom, Jill, who stopped by as our first guest.
We review Kirk Cameron’s Christmas shit-show “Saving Christmas” and discuss “Christmas with the Chosen: the Messenger”. With such as thorough title, will it be as thorough with the story of the nativity?
We dig into how Christmas got started. What was Saturnalia? Was Jesus born on December 25th? And who who who was the real Santa Claus?
And we ask if the virgin birth wasn’t true, could Jesus still be the Messiah?
On top of all that, Jill (apparently) finds out for the first time how Josh left the faith.
And from Josh and Linz, we want to thank all of you for listening. Have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a happy New Year!
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Dec 5, 2021
Gospels Pt. 2 – Geriatric Parenting 101
Jesus jumps from twelve years old to thirty years old without any apparent need to inform us about his formative years. Did he get acne? Or surprise boners? {Insert raising Lazarus joke here} Did he get his Masters in Divinity from ITT Tech?
Also, we quickly struggle with how to organize stories that take place at different times in all the gospels. Like seriously, they cannot agree on when things happened.
But the first story we dig into is Jesus’ baptism. This first story we come to that is in all four gospels, though not the same in all four gospels. You ever jump in a river, have the sky crack open, and a nightmare bird come down shouting praises at you? If so, you might be Jesus.
From there, Jesus walked dripping into the desert to face Satan for the first (and only) time. A story so epic, it’s only in three of the gospels and even then Mark’s two sentence version doesn’t really count either. We learn a valuable lesson, no matter how tempting it is to throw yourself off…
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Nov 21, 2021
Gospels Pt. 1 – Nativity: The Musical
Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels.
But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run from an evil king escaping to Egypt. Then we’ll hear about a small family casually raising their god-baby.
And, oh boy, is this a story for musical lovers. Everyone breaks into song. Baby kick? Let’s sing a song. Get unmuted after pissing off an angel 9 months ago? Let’s sing a song. Pick up a messiah baby? We’ve got a song for that!
Finally, we’ll learn why being a shepherd on a certain quiet, holy night was probably shit-your-pants terrifying. Let’s just say the stars weren’t the only things brightly shining.
So strap in and strap on to hear th…
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Nov 7, 2021
All About the He Said, She Said Bull$#!*
While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicting commandments. Things I’m sure I noticed growing up as a Christian, but I wrote off as a lack of biblical knowledge on my part.
I started doing research into what modern science and scholars can tell us about the actual history of the bible and the people it talks about. What I found cracked my view of the world apart like the first time evolution was explained to me by someone who wasn’t a creationist.
I found a people who were pushed around by the world powers of the time. A people who had a brief period where those powers stayed at bay long enough to create an identity for themselves. An identity that, while evolving with time, has endured and changed the trajectory of history. An identity that was hijacked and used as a cudgel by another religion.
For sources and additional information, go to https://www.biblestoriesforatheis…
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Oct 24, 2021
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Restart
Does God only love a few thousand people? Is there a second set of Ten Commandments? Is Moses getting exposed to high doses of radiation? Is Aaron getting bullied into building bull gods? All these questions and more go unanswered in this week’s episode.
God asked to talk to Moses, bulls need to be killed. Time for blood magic. After spraying the crowd down with bull blood, Moses takes a group up to see God in the flesh, but not really since people can’t see God, but it says they saw God and the Bible can’t be wrong, but then why does it say later that they can’t see God?
Have you ever stepped out for 40 days, learned way too much about lamp stand construction, and when you come back everyone in your house is a pagan? Moses has.
Aaron takes an unexpected turn making an idol for the Israelites and throws the first Burning Man festival. While disappointing, Moses may have had a bit of an overreaction to it.
Moses starts feeling inadequate and asks God to show themselves to Mo…
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Oct 10, 2021
Manna Crusted Quail with Rock Water
We get to the actual exodus in this episode, wherein the Israelites exit Egypt. But first they need to fake out Pharaoh so God can kill more Egyptians.
Much like the Ever Given, God parts the Suez Canal and causes a serious mess for international trade. Oh yeah, and needlessly kills people. But it’s fine, because it’s so people know that God has glory.
The Israelites arrive in the wilderness, get thirsty, and completely forget everything that has happened. To keep them from running back to the Egyptians, God tells Moses throw a piece of wood into a pool of “bitter water” to purify it. And it works!
A while later, the Israelites get hungry and completely forget everything that has happened. To keep them from running back to the Egyptians, God gives them quail and powdered sweet bread. And it works!
A while later, the Israelites get thirsty again and completely forget everything that has happened. To keep them from running back to the Egyptians, God has Moses crack open rock…
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Sep 26, 2021
Stuck Between a Desert and Pharaoh’s Hard Place
Here it is, folks. The plagues! You know. That time when God wiped out a whole bunch of people instead of just letting Pharaoh do the right thing. And why? Because they wanted to get Pharaoh’s dick hard… I MEAN HEART! Or do I?
We learn why the NIV bible’s footnotes seem to think you didn’t need God for most of the plagues to have happened at all.
The first Passover comes up and it turns out there’s a contradiction in the rules for Passover and even in the bible they have to deal with that contradiction.
And we get to the waters edge of not the Red Sea.
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Sep 12, 2021
Yes, That Moses
Things have been looking grim for the Israelites since the days of Joseph. God has allowed their chosen people to fall into slavery because… reasons. But then came Moses.
We’ll dig into Moses’ mom’s scheme to get paid to take care of her son. His trip through the desert which will later take him 40 years to get through. And the gay power-couple who become his fathers-in-law.
Then we settle in for a mushroom trip in the desert. The Angel of the Lord shows up, sets a bush on fire, and then gets shoved out so God can have a word with Moses. This hero of a thousand faces gets a surreal call-to-action when God finally remembers their people’s suffering. To help him on the way, God teaches him some magic tricks. When that’s not enough for Moses, God says screw it and says his brother, Aaron, can do all the work.
Oh yeah, and we find out that God causes people to be blind, deaf, and mute. But just don’t forget. THIS IS THE SAME GOD AS GENESIS! Seriously, stop acting like its…
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Aug 29, 2021
Joseph: Now In Technicolor – Pt. 2
And on the fifth episode we wrapped up the story of Joseph. And the story was mediocre, at best. You know that awkward moment when you run into that brother you sold into slavery who is now a super successful right-hand ruler of Egypt? We’ve all been there, and thankfully the bible provides relevant moral lessons when in such a circumstance.
We start with the Jacob family staring contest. No one wins, everyone goes hungry. May the odds never matter because God just does whatever they like anyway.
An important lesson is learned on how to know if someone is a spy. Here’s a dead giveaway, do they have a brother? If so, not a spy. Also, when trying to trick your family into taking food for free, make sure to freak them out significantly by acting like an asshole to them then slipping money in their sacks.
Is Joseph a good guy? All signs point to no as we find out how his reign played out for Egyptians. Do we ever find out what happens to the technicolor dream coat? No. Let go of the…
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Aug 15, 2021
Joseph: Now in Technicolor – Pt. 1
You’ve seen the musical, now hear the disturbingly disappointing actual story of Joseph and his Technicolor Dream Resume.
In this dramatic re-imagining of Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer, Jacob’s favorite son is the little tattle tale all his brothers love to hate. Remember, kids. Snitches get thrown in a cistern and sold into slavery!
Tired of hearing about Joseph after only one chapter? God thought you would be! So we get a little side story following Joseph’s brother Judah. That scamp gets into all kinds of trouble involving a tryst gone-a-miss with a mysterious prostitute. What do you expect from the father of the man who invented the world’s oldest form of birth control?
Is that story done already? Great! Now let’s never hear about Judah’s personal life again and check back in with Joseph. Unfortunately, he’s been sold into slavery by his own family, and yet his boss gets this notion that God is granting Joseph favor in everything he does. So he puts Joseph in char…
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Aug 1, 2021
Balaam and His Donkey
Like every youth pastor has said since 2001, Shrek wasn’t the first to go bonkers from a talking donkey. Meet Balaam. A pagan prophet with a reverence for God. A conman with the night time number to the Almighty. The misunderstood messenger who only does what God tells him and somehow ends up the bad guy.
Buckle up for some holy whiplash, folks. God never changes Their mind, except when They do. Then They’ll take you on a Them-damn roller coaster. And don’t forget to ask for specifics when God tells you to go someplace. Should you go physically and mentally? Just physically? Just mentally? Oh no! You got it wrong. Now God sent a hitman.
Speaking of which, we are very excited that our guest star for this story will be *the* Angel of the Lord, brought to you by Acme Telecom Solutions. Angels, what they lack in humanity they make up for in immobility.
Lock up your bulls and rams because Balaam is coming to town! And he’s opened wide for the word of the Lord.
Website - https://…
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Jul 18, 2021
Jacob Pt. 2
We pick the story up where we left off in Genesis 30. Jacob is married to his two cousins, and tricked into working seven additional years by his uncle / father-in-law.
Jacob adds a few servant wives who start cranking out sons like it’s their only purpose. We learn the fair price for mandrakes when selling them to your back stabbing sister. And God finally remembers Rachel! We’re going to ignore that means that God forgot something.
Jacob rips off his uncle before splitting town. Rachel almost gets busted for stealing from her dad but is saved by menstruation.
We hear the detailed account of angels meeting with Jacob at the “camp of God” called Mahanaim. And Jacob wrestles with some bad story telling all night and walks away with a new name.
Esau and Jacob finally reunite. Will Esau go full werewolf and tear Jacob apart?
Finally, we cover the only story about a daughter of Jacob. Dinah takes the stage in a story that barely has her in it. She gets raped and rescued. There…
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Jul 4, 2021
Jacob Pt. 1
We kick off this podcast with the story of Jacob. How do you succeed in life in BCE 1800 when you’re a 2nd born twin, and an indoor kid with a hairy jock brother? The answer is obviously damn good lentil stew. Also, lying. Also, marrying your cousins instead of Hittite women who annoy your parents.
We learn the how to handle yourself in a foreign city with a hot wife. Say she’s your sister and you get free stuff! As a bonus, if she gets raped you won’t get killed. This works so well it happens three different times!
We find out that water wells were the Tesla’s of the day. Jacob breaks guitar store rules by rocking Stairway to Heaven. There are pillars going up left and right and places are getting named so often with so little reason you might just think that was the entire point of the scriptures!
It turns out family is just a word for people who screw you over to get ahead in life. Whether that’s your brother, your mother, or your uncle / father-in-law.
God teaches us…
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Jun 1, 2021
Podcast Trailer
Often we’re told that we need to read the bible. That it would cure us of our atheism. We’re told that the bible is perfect and all answers come from the bible. Welp, let’s take a look at what the bible actually says.
Every week Josh summarizes stories from the bible that Linz is hearing for the first time. There’s no easy outs on this one. No one telling us, “Here’s what the bible really means” then adding stuff that’s not actually there. No one telling us, “The culture was different” when explaining why God didn’t let us all know that women are equal. Let’s see if this is truly the Word of God or just a way for politicians to control their people thousands of years ago.
You’re in for one hell of an experience. There’s incest. Uncles swapping out daughters left and right. Talking animals. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. You’re going to love it.
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
Reddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheis…
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