Welcome to 2017. Welcome to season 3. Please manage your expectations for both. Happy New Year, sycophants. Two truths, one lie reveals which of us is the loser that stayed home and got drunk with her dad. Wikishits announces their descent into the 6th Circle of Hell as they plan to release the private information of Twitter users. U.S. intelligence agencies have definitively concluded that Vladimir Putin ordered an "influence campaign" to sway the U.S. presidential election. "U.S. intelligence agencies clearly part of liberal propaganda wheel," reports Breitbart. Sucks to suck: Fox News loses Megyn Kelly to MSNBC. "After our deliberate coverup of Roger Aisles' sexual harassment, we are shocked," said no one anywhere. Hidden from the Headlines ponders what holy angel has gotten into China lately. The Number reveals none of us know what we're talking about. Surprise, Bitch! welcomes a traitor to the show. Thanks for nothing, Jim. In season 3's first installment of After Dark (available to $2+ Patrons!): What constitutes a "hate crime"? A case out of Chicago, wherein four black teenagers live streamed the torture of a white classmate, has the country asking. New year, new laws: we take a look at the laws going into effect around the country this year, including a tax on sugar and a change in online shopping. Help us, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. You're our only hope.