Jess and her partner, Brandon, chat about sexual frequency and discuss where they’re at in their relationship today. Jess also shares data on how often the “average” couple has sex and strategies for discussing frequency with your partner.
**Please see a rough version of this podcast transcript below**
Welcome and happy new year!
Now I took last week off while I was visiting family down in Florida. I was travelling with Brandon and my pup Lido and hanging with two of my favourite cousins — Mike and Denise.
Today, I’m down at Desire Resorts with my partner Brandon and while I’m here I’m teaching 2 workshops, hosting a few book signings and meeting couples from all around the world and, of course, having some very interesting conversations.
Now yesterday, we were chatting with a couple in their 50s and they mentioned that it was their 36th anniversary and they were talking about how coming down here has been great for their relationship and that even after 36 years of marriage, they still have sex. Regularly. That to me, is pretty great. Still having sex after 36 years. But not just having sex, but having it regularly. And here’s the kicker — they’re not just having sex. They’re not just having it regularly. They have it on average 6 times per week!
6 times per week after 36 years. I’m a sexologist and this came as a surprise to me.
Now they told me this while chatting with Brandon too and his reaction and my reaction was a little tense.
Cuz we’re sitting here fewer than 17 years into our relationship — and I’m supposed to be the sexologist and they’re having way more sex than I am — with Brandon or myself for that matter.
So I decided it’s time I talk about sexual frequency here on the podcast and maybe get a little personal since we all know Brandon has a much better radio voice than I do.
So babe, what did you think when you heard from this couple and was the tension between us that I felt real or did I imagine it?
Let’s be honest, how often do we have sex? And now we’re both about to stumble over our words or you folks are going to be faced with some awkward silence.
And do you want it more?
Do you feel like I want it more than you?
It has shifted over the years…and it’s affected by my travel schedule.
Here’s what the data says. And I’ll preface the data with a few thoughts.
First, I’m always reluctant to talk about frequency and averages because you’re not average. And you’re not an average. I’m always worried that averages will be used as barometers or yardsticks against which to measure your relationship’s success. But here’s the thing: frequency only matters as much as YOU feel it matters. You don’t need to have more sex unless you and/or your partner want to have more sex.
So if I share the data and you weigh in at a higher number, it doesn’t necessarily mean your sex life is satisfying. Because you may have sex more often than other couples, but it still may not be as much as you or your partner want it. Similarly, you may have far less frequent sex than average and have a richly fulfilling sex life, because the only true measure of your sex life’s degree of satisfaction is your own.
You can have sex once a day and be satisfied and you can have sex once a year (or not at all) and be satisfied. It's a matter of you determining how often you want it and finding a balance between your frequency and your partner’s.
SO that's the first thing I want to say before I share the data. The second is: people lie about sex even when surveys are anonymous because ultimately we lie to ourselves.
I've spoken to couples and one partner will report that they have sex weekly and the other will say they have it consistently every other day. Unless they're having it with separate partners, which is a different story altogether, something has got to give. Someone is not telling the truth. And perhaps neither are - and perhaps it's not intentional, but it’s inaccurate nonetheless,