10 Years Of A Rational Fear. Sydney Opera House. June 4th 2022
Thrilled to bring you the A Rational Fear LIVE show we did last month at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
It is a long and very enjoyable show featuring.
DJ Andy McClelland
It maybe one of our best shows we've ever done. Thanks to everyone who came along, and we hope to see you at our 10 year show at the Sydney Opera House on June 4th.
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Unknown Speaker 0:00
This podcast is supported in part by the Bertha Foundation.
Lewis Hobba 0:10
thank you so much for coming here. This is amazing. Oh
Dan Ilic 0:13
my god. Wow. When our producer said do you want the 200 seats, the 300 seat or the 800 seat, I said, give us the 800 seat. We'll fill it almost. And
Lewis Hobba 0:26
I said give me the MCG
Dan Ilic 0:29
right tonight shows a bit of a different kind of show. If you come to Comedy Festival. This is a podcast recording I'm sorry.
Lewis Hobba 0:35
It basically just means fewer jokes. Lower the expectation,
Dan Ilic 0:40
but you get some discounts on a great mattress. It's gonna be great. We're gonna put on a great show regardless, but you have to do your job as a great audience. Can you be a great audience? Fantastic. So part of that, you know, laughing clapping cheering whistling all of that. That's good stuff. That is good stuff but heckling is out. What's
Lewis Hobba 0:57
the opinion on like, flares out? No flare, pyrotechnics of any kind.
Dan Ilic 1:02
Lewis Hobba 1:03
Dan Ilic 1:04
Bad. Very bad unless they
Lewis Hobba 1:07
have to get rid of some stuff.
Andrew McClelland 1:09
Twain What about Twain,
Dan Ilic 1:10
Shania Twain. Perfect. So heckling is a little tricky. If you do hecho you'll be removed faster than a liberal who's won pre selection? Who made the Lebanese so you'll be out you'll be straight out of there, straight out of there. Now if you think someone next year is going to do something, just give them a stern look. The kind of look my mum gives her friends when she's got to explain what I do for a job
Lewis Hobba 1:36
that you do the tree brothers are so much better than you.
Dan Ilic 1:38
I know. They are really lovely. So we're making this a safe space for you and our people on stage. Can you do that for me? Right. We also going to cover some pretty tricky topics. Okay, so and we've got a lot of foul language. A lot of adult words will be flung at you but there will be puns as well. The worst kind of should give you full warning and that Alice Fraser is here. She's brought all the puns she has. If something does trigger you something gives you an easy feelings. Sophie Minetti is over at the sound desk over there. She's waving by the sound desk. If you need to talk to someone during the show. Go have a chat with Sophie or afterwards as well. We've got a place you guys can go. All right, great. What else we're gonna do here Oh, big thank you to our Patreon supporters. Here. We got one right here. Thank you, Tim. Thank you.
Lewis Hobba 2:26
I feel this like like when you get on a plane and they're like oh, big thank you to Oh, Qantas oneworld customers can
Dan Ilic 2:35
see more merch here. You're a Patreon supporter. Oh, fantastic. Oh my God.
Lewis Hobba 2:42
Is there anyone here tonight who's never heard of the podcasts and doesn't know why they're here?
Dan Ilic 2:49
Well, you're fine. You're about to find out sign up to get a poster. I certainly get the show. Right. Let's
Lewis Hobba 2:55
do it. Let's get the show started. The other quick thing is right at the start, Dan likes to do three jokes. And there are varying quality. But I would really appreciate it if for the benefit of those listening at home. You laugh so loudly. He he really need his brothers are so much better than he really needs this.
Dan Ilic 3:16
Thank you, Louis. All right. We're recording this episode of irrational fear on Wonderland in the Kulin nation, sovereignty was never seated. We need a treaty. Let's stop the show.
Alice Fraser 3:31
Let everybody go gang prepping for irrational fear with grace to making the transition to a comedy stage. Any advice video?
Vidya Rajan 3:38
Yes, Grace. First, you've got to just start by really trusting the stage you're on. I know. It can be really scary. always like, Oh my God, is it gonna collapse? But chances are it won't even just creak and fall under you.
Grace Tame 3:50
Yeah, right. Well, I have been on a few stage just before.
Vidya Rajan 3:56
Yeah, yeah. But this is a comedy stage and much like the comedians on those stages. They're very unstable on the inside.
Alice Fraser 4:04
Any advice for hecklers Gaby?
Gabbi Bolt 4:06
It's what I mean, it's, it's a horrible person yelling horrible things at you. And we don't know what happens. And I know that that might not have happened to you before. But like, it's just you know, it's a part of the comedy world, you know.
Unknown Speaker 4:22
I reckon I've been
Grace Tame 4:24
a wreck and I've been abused before.
Vidya Rajan 4:28
Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. No, of course.
Gabbi Bolt 4:32
Of course you have.
Alice Fraser 4:33
And of course, saying stuff on stage. That's an important part of this right? Often I find it's funny because it's true. So you might just want to go on stage and just say the truth.
Grace Tame 4:44
Look, I'll give it a crack. Trust that the audience on your side and yeah, believe in yourself, I suppose. That's actually
Unknown Speaker 4:55
really good advice.
Vidya Rajan 4:57
Good way of looking at things I might just read that kit. Oh, yeah. Good advice. I think that could really help us Yeah.
Simon Chilvers 5:07
A rational fear contains naughty words like bricks. And section of rational here recommended listening by emoji.
Dan Ilic 5:22
Tonight, Morrison receives a hostile reception at a new costume pub, to which Scott Morrison said I reject the premise of the statement. It's the same kind of reception I get everywhere. And the Australian Grand Prix returns to Melbourne for the first time in two years. When asked how excited that the race is back in Australia January, Ricardo said and the election has finally been cooled. But we're running out of time for Peter Dutton to call a party remaining to roll Scott Boras says My God, this is irrational.
Welcome to irrational fear. I'm your host, former pre selected liberal candidate for Cooktown illage. And you're listening to irrational fear at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, the petri dish of Australian culture and COVID-19 So thank you for coming here and risking your life for a comedy podcast really appreciate that. This is the podcast that takes the scariest news and laughs in its face much the same way. Scott Morrison laughs in the face of a Commonwealth integrity commission with no retrospective powers. Let's meet our fear mongers for tonight. Every few weeks our first fear monger starts a new satirical comedy podcast from the bugle the gargle tea with Alice and the Joe Rogan experience experience. It's Alice Fraser. I haven't listened to the Joe Rogan experience experience. What's it all about?
Alice Fraser 7:04
Oh, I think we live too scared of Joe Rogan. I think he's just a perfectly nice comedy meathead who accidentally got caught in a toxic spill at the masculinity factory.
Dan Ilic 7:12
And she's the lyrical satirical miracle that isn't here to the empirical let's get him out. Gabby, this is your first ever Melbourne Comedy Festival as a solo artist and you're already selling out what's your secret? Money
Gabbi Bolt 7:26
laundering mostly. Works well.
Dan Ilic 7:30
And he's a military man who just got married. Sorry, people. He's off the market. He's the purveyor of Wagga. Wagga is fine. His dad jokes. It's Dane Simpson. Now, I actually got that wrong. Sorry, Dane. You are the finest purveyor of jokes about your dad specifically. Does he mind?
Dane Simpson 7:50
He's too stupid understand.
Dan Ilic 7:53
And each morning he siphons the blood of 322 year olds to keep himself fresh for the National Youth broadcaster. It's tripled J's last remaining geriatric millennial Louis harbor. Lewis, how do you keep up with the Gen Zed logo? The Gen Zed lingo?
Lewis Hobba 8:12
Do I keep up with the Gen Zed lingo? Yeah, I mean, I like to just use it with lingo from my own time to make it easy. I'll say something like ah, have you? Pardon me boys? Is that the Chattanooga Choo it's lit
Dan Ilic 8:28
and he's immunity musical genius who is genetically gifted it is Andy McClellan. Thank you.
Andrew McClelland 8:35
I just here to promote my extremely nice Gilbert and Sullivan themes Comedy Festival. Come along,
Dan Ilic 8:41
and they're a changemaker cage Rattler, Dragon Slayer and she represented Australia in the 50 meter side I its face time.
Race How does one train for the 50 meter side? I
Grace Tame 9:05
well, like the legend Don Bradman, I practice against a wall every day.
Dan Ilic 9:11
Coming up later in the show, we are Zoe Daniel if this sign is big enough, or legal enough, but first a message from this week's sponsor. Now it is not cheap to rent out the forum so I hope you'll forgive our sponsor for tonight. It's called oil cares. A petroleum advocacy group dedicated to letting you know that oil well cares. Please welcome their spokesperson Vidya Rajan for a quick word on women apparently Vidya
Vidya Rajan 9:46
Yes, Dan oil cares about you about me and especially about women. Oil loved woman. Patriarchy has kept both oil Well as woman in ground for too long. I'm mushy. Hey, did you know BP actually stands for boss pussy? Squad? Yes. Goals? Yes. Grace tame the anti fracking lobby. Look, we love all sis and trans continental pipelines for sis and trans oil
Dan Ilic 10:37
Thank you Good job. Well, folks, the election is finally upon us. Today the Prime Minister and prominent gas man, Scott Morrison, called the election at the last possible date he legally could, which continues to prove just how this government is run by the Engadine doctrine. That is the principle of Miring and indecision until the march of time forces action upon you. You know, like
like shooting yourself in an egg in a McDonald's.
Lewis Hobba 11:13
Can you help yourself? Everyone got a dad? I
Dan Ilic 11:14
know. He's like, everyone's got it. He's the edge he makes shitting. Yeah, I had to explain that for my dad who lives. I don't know, if you agree. This is how the whole country is run. Everything seems to be done in a hurry at the last minute.
Lewis Hobba 11:27
It's not how I remember I seem to remember the vaccines arriving on time. Masks arriving on time, people whose houses
Dan Ilic 11:35
burned down and got immediately rebuilt only to be washed away again. Yeah,
Dane Simpson 11:39
I find the most unbelievable part of this is that your dad listens. Like, you do not have supportive parents.
Dan Ilic 11:47
I got an email today. This is I told everyone backstage, I got an email today from dad saying I just listened to the last three irrational fears. And I'm like, Well,
Lewis Hobba 11:55
I've been doing it for 10 years dad started a podcast boy, would he listen.
Andrew McClelland 12:02
You can quit comedy now that you have parental approval.
Dan Ilic 12:05
That's it. I'm gonna become a lawyer. But tonight, I thought we'd start with the story of how many of you in the room helped me for Scott Morrison to do something at the last minute, let me take you back to September, a time before the last five one in 100 year floods. It was a month out from cop 26 in Glasgow, the UN climate conference, we wanted to take a rational fear there and put shows in Glasgow in a pub like we do. But someone forgot to reply to emails from Pfizer, and we just couldn't manage to do it. So we're all stuck at home like many of you, and so I wonder what could I do from there? How could how could we have an impact from there at these conferences? So I don't know if you know, but at these conferences Australia is like enemy number one. We are like the Barnaby Joyce, but of the world. We're the third largest exporter of fossil fuels behind Saudi Arabia and Russia. So naturally, we gang up with them to try and sabotage every international agreement that kind of ever comes out of these climate talks.
Lewis Hobba 13:04
You guys have probably heard all this and all the other comedy shows in Melbourne, I imagine.
Dan Ilic 13:10
The world basically the world hates us, right? And what's more, Scott Morrison was actually going to go like he actually wasn't gonna go to this conference because, quote, it would disrupt his ability to engage in my normal duties as prime minister. We wouldn't want that. Yeah. Which is so weird. It's so weird, like, doing something would prevent him from doing nothing. It's a
Alice Fraser 13:32
weird because he enjoys being far away when something's going wrong.
Dan Ilic 13:37
Exactly. So I wanted to send a message to the world at this cop that, you know, the people that represent Australia at these conferences don't necessarily represent Australians. So I bought this billboard, it cost $12,225 somewhere in the back streets of Glasgow, but put a crowdfunding campaign together. And I'm sure many people donated to here. Anyone donated to Joe keeper? Thank you. This is like, I feel like I'm reporting to the board of directors.
Lewis Hobba 14:05
Which of you gave us money?
Dan Ilic 14:08
So we could put three bits of artwork on there. So we did cuddle the koala before we make them extinct. I know some people cried. Some people laughed. That's our brand. Australia did zero by 2300. And prominent climate economist Catan Joshi reached out he said, Did you steal that from my tweet because that's actually where we're going to end up because we're not reducing emissions fast enough. And then I put up your own truth for billboards. Someone who donated $4,000 to the billboard could actually buy a truthful billboard of their own. So at 6:30am on the 27th of September, I put up this crowdfunding campaign at 8:30am I got $12,000. That's amazing. And the money kept coming. And then also somebody bought the billboard famous Australian celebrity bought it and they DM to me their request
Lewis Hobba 14:54
and I told you not to tell anyone I bought that.
Dan Ilic 14:58
Richard Wilkins yeah look sorry that our government bullshitting kind regards Australia overwhelming majority of residents. Is there a poll we could refer to? And of course, there is a poll. So that was amazing. So this told me three things people want climate action. I'm going to need more billboards. And I'm going to need bigger billboards. So I booked the biggest billboard in Times Square. It's so big. They call it Godzilla.
Lewis Hobba 15:28
That's how big it is. And weirdly, he just was like we need to make sure people see black widow
Unknown Speaker 15:38
for the Marvel Universe
Lewis Hobba 15:40
I'm like I thought it was meant to be climate change. He's like no scarred your hands has been overlooked for too long. Just been relegated to the back of the Marvel movies Magana the front
Dan Ilic 15:48
a cause $100,000 an hour but I did in New York do we did it for 16 for 10 minutes, which was great. So we got the artwork together. Now Andres who is in the audience tonight, put some of this together. Thank you, Andres.
Look at that incredible right. And then this one is actually came up. Gabby actually came up with this one.
Unknown Speaker 16:13
I can't take all the credit.
Dan Ilic 16:14
Thank you, Daddy. That was very good caller file dandy. A comic con parody, but Cali con with special guest Matt Canavan, winner of Best cold cosplay 2020 This one from Sean Marsh, we're rich and sunshine wind and climate denial. Then I turned to one of my tweets into a billboard of the Australian government against humanity. And and my favorite flop is over here during a deadly pandemic former commissioned to fix the problem by building a gas pipeline. I'm pretty sure that's not how you fucking do it.
Lewis Hobba 16:47
At this point, the only billboards in the world were owned by Dan Ilic and Franco QOTSA.
Dan Ilic 16:54
bhi pharma, and this one too? Yeah, look sorry about our government. So we got the wonderful apology there for our celebrity. So the invoices paid hundreds of Aziz RSVP, the press was invited. And also on Twitter, Russell Crowe, cch CNN, he said, Hey, Jake Tapper, have you seen this? And Jake Tapper said I had not Russell Crowe. Thanks Thank you Russell dry.
Gabbi Bolt 17:22
That hyphen is so aggressive.
Dan Ilic 17:26
October 15 9:45am. Me and my partner were by our TV trying to find the right webcam to watch this happen. We couldn't quite find the right one. We saw this one and then we saw this one this giant billboard is incredible. So these were some of the other artwork look like from the street? Absolutely amazing. And here is my favorite billboard missing person last seen doing nothing answers to scomo and the cold lovey. That was me on CNN, you know, no big deal, whatever. So it's not going to Glasgow. Yes. October 15. Well, 9:45am No. 2pm Yes.
Also, the clean grumbled about him not going so I was probably the clean but you know, whatever. We fucking made him go well done to you. Thanks, everyone. All right. So we had we had some money left over. So we upped our billboards in Glasgow, we got some ones by the freeway on the way to the convention center, some others in the suburbs of Glasgow. This one is in Armadale and Barnaby Joyce's electorate. And what's great is it's right next to the MCAS one. And everyone sees it I get people it's still up because no one wants this billboard. But people text me all the time. It's great. Horsham, Torquay. And we bought some billboards around. Scott Morrison's electric This is in cook it says visit the old bread stumps of Tasmania. Yes. Pete from Tasmania. Give it a round of applause Yes. Crisis from Tasmania.
Unknown Speaker 19:10
We're all here tonight. That means
Dan Ilic 19:15
and we got one in the Sutherland Shire Hawaiian hideaway for when things get too hot at home. bushfire sale now on this one in Engadine Welcome to Engadine the place where Scott Morrison last did anything. And this is my favorite one. A group of engineers and doctors got together and said Please can you do a billboard about the future of jobs? We're so depressed and yeah, I can do a billboard about the future jobs and young people. That's fine. So here's this one. Oh, hang on. Oh, sign up there. Oh, I fucked it. I deleted it. Sorry. But anyway,
Lewis Hobba 19:49
you could explain it. It was really great.
Andrew McClelland 19:54
You describe it. Yeah. Visual. does describe it now. Oh, yeah.
Dan Ilic 19:59
Okay, sure. So I had a picture of a young girl, and she was in a Do you want
Lewis Hobba 20:03
to act in?
Andrew McClelland 20:05
Numbers? Perhaps? Oh, yeah,
Lewis Hobba 20:06
I'll be the adorable Young.
Dan Ilic 20:08
Lewis Hobba 20:09
Can you be a movie adorable young girl
Dan Ilic 20:11
adorable young girl looking up. And it said by 2035, Cassie will be qualified to put politicians in jail for historical climate crimes.
Alice Fraser 20:23
Can I? Can I just say, Dan, I just say so many people. When you talk about climate change they got I feel really helpless. I feel like I can't make a difference. Right? And if we look at this man who cannot even put up the slide that he wanted to put out a massive fucking difference in Australian politics. If he can do it, you can do.
Dan Ilic 20:46
I'm so glad Alice told you the punchline of my story, because he's waiting hold on for my Melbourne friends. Now, out of home media. They said yes, you can have a billboard in Hawthorne. But that particular billboard is for non political messaging. And I said, Can I sell a standing desk? And she said, Yes, you can sell a standing desk. So I put up this billboard in Hawthorne that says, Hey, big space. It's time to buy a standing desk, because you're about to lose your seat
with with the hope, with the hope that no one would ever dare write Josh next to it, because that would make it political. And we can't have that someone didn't write Josh. Thankfully, instead, they wrote Frydenberg. And it makes it so much more sinister. Like, hey, it's time to buy a standing desk because you're about to lose your seat.
So Media gave me a call. After a month of that being up December, they gave me a call. They said Dan, that billboard you put up with had complaints? The billboard is now political. And I said no, it's not. It's just defaced. And they said, Well, unfortunately, it is political. And we're gonna have to pull it down. I assumed it was the AC and I thought, Oh, well, the AC they're doing the due diligence. Fair enough. It doesn't have an authorized on yeah, get it. We're just making jokes. We're not a campaigner. And I said, Well, okay, fair enough. Can we replace it? Yes. Can we can replace it. Then they said no, you can't replace it. But it has been replaced since by this. I reckon that was the bloke who complained. Josh Frydenberg face now replaces our billboard, which is pretty astounding. That's
Lewis Hobba 22:56
pretty annoyingly. He is one has just gotten back in the right place. At the top.
Dan Ilic 23:03
Exactly, yeah. So Oh, media. I had another running with them. I wanted to put up a billboard in Hinkler in Bundaberg. This is Keith Pitzer electorate. He is the is the resources minister. He just basically his job is to get as much coal out as possible. And he was famous for being on Sky News last year for not being able to admit on TV that batteries could possibly store power from solar and wind. He couldn't say it on TV. He couldn't even say the word battery. So I pitched this to out of home media. I said, How about this? Hey, Keith batteries give you power in the dark with a picture of a vibrator. And they said no. To political plus, it's got a sex toy. No. I was like, Okay, thank you media. How about this? Did you know batteries can give you power in the dark with a flashlight? And they said no. To political or no. Right? And then I pitched him this I was like, I'm like, at this point. I'm like, you know, I'm just gonna fucking buy a billboard out of spite. So I said, How about this batteries? Wow. They said. They said they said yes. They said yes. But for keen eyed observers out there. There it is all the look. The only people I was very disappointed about it. But the people who were happy where the battery store that it was
but the keen eyed observers out there, you may recognize that also, it wasn't a flashlight. It was a it was a flashlight. Yeah. So climate change, as Alan said, can make you feel extremely powerless. Right and, and this is a strange moment we're in. We're 45 days away from when we all can be a little more powerful. And I want to just implore you to please Leave this election. Tell your friends and yourself. Don't vote for candidates funded by fossil fuels rational
Unknown Speaker 25:12
you need to continue to run your coal fired power stations for as long as you possibly can. Your fear is over. Gotta be
Gabbi Bolt 25:25
high. Yeah, no, the keyboards just a prop. Makes me look good. I don't actually play it at all. Recently, Scott Morrison said another great gems of advice now that we're on the topic. So if you can't afford to rent a house, buy one. I said no, that's stupid. So I've come up with a new plan. So just sorry. In the front of this area, hands up if you're a home owner. Oh my god. Sorry, I'd have to take a moment. Sorry, Andy. Do I look? Do I look okay? Yeah, here's the smell horrible.
Andrew McClelland 26:03
You got a nose ring. Is that intentional?
Gabbi Bolt 26:05
Oh? No, no. Okay. All right. I have a pitch for all of you. You're all really beautiful. Are any of you going away? Anyone nice young disposable income having things like yourselves. I'm sure there's only a matter of time until you plan a holiday and when you do I want you to take my pitch on board. Okay, DJ I'm ready
Vidya Rajan 26:43
they fired me from all the clubs Jesus Christ
Gabbi Bolt 26:57
been waited so long so let me know ready hikes
I want to take around.
Unknown Speaker 27:11
I'm going to come and say
Gabbi Bolt 27:16
don't think about it too hard. That's the right house.
Unknown Speaker 27:23
Let me sit in your house. Let me pretend that I own this $5,000 couch. I'm gonna write in your sheets 10,000 Cows sitting in your house so I gotta keep my options free. I'll never penetrate the housing market. So a lender asked, penetrate me.
Gabbi Bolt 28:01
I'm squatting at my mom's rich friend's house. It's like a luxury b&b. Being a generation
Unknown Speaker 28:12
has never been so sexy to me. I'm
Gabbi Bolt 28:14
about to say oh my god. Is that a double door fridge holy shit in this house.
Zoe Daniel 28:25
With a built in ice dispenser.
Gabbi Bolt 28:30
House you've got a dishwasher egg on no black cold in the bathroom
thank you for contributing to my deposit
Alice Fraser 28:56
against Islam as a disease we need to vaccinate ourselves against that. I'm not selling a lot of tickets. This year. The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is not a flyer outside the town hall and Facebook ads do not work. Anyone here from a Facebook ad? Yeah, I made my point just I wanted to talk about social media and propaganda was looking at the online messaging from Ukraine and Russia and made me think we should talk about cyber warfare and propaganda like a proper hefty subject difficult to address properly with the tools available to a comedian. And then Elon Musk bought 9% of Twitter on the premise that he is a free speech absolutist. And I found my in Elon Musk a man with the face of a police sketch of a man
and the noble ambition that everyone should be able to speak as freely as him the richest man in the world without being subjected to rudeness from plebs who don't understand your noble ambition to call As the stars for humanity sorry humanity he is a free speech absolutist to do him credit I believe that he is he has ethical principles. I think he thinks he's a free speech absolutist. I'm sure he thinks that if you throw all the ideas in the world into a Thunderdome, the one that ends up beating all the other ones to death with its bare fists is the best idea. Of course he believes the person who ends up with the most money in the world deserves to get there by virtue because people say they're a free speech absolutist I have friends who say that I'm a believer in free speech myself, I believe in the right to offend because I know people who are offended by women talking or men crying or non binary people having hair cuts, I I even believe people have a right to offend me. I love nothing more than a good faith disagreement with people who are willing to admit they're wrong. Because I'm right. I'm talking about people who think anyone should be able to say anything because it's just words you know, it's just words, the words the one thing that's made us as a species capable of communicating, cooperating building complex machinery, and each individual having access to more information than we could acquire in a lifetime by a process of licking stuff and seeing if it was poison. You know, just words. For all the free speech absolutist surrounding the simple clarity of that ethical stance, I see very few of them discussing the fact that the moment you have an algorithm in play, you do not have free speech. We have to stop blaming people for falling for the propaganda that they see online and start holding to account the invisible hand of a market that keeps offering us shiny perfumed testicles on a plate and telling us their pearls it's not your weird aunt's fault that she keeps getting served quote information from quote doctors who quote have the quote cure for quote lizard virus. It's the fucking algorithm has decided she should be offered things she likes based on things she already likes, like a Tinder date who read you like long walks on the beach and brought eight barrels of sand to the date. I have a daughter now a whole fresh daughter and I'm terrified of the algorithms she's gonna be go straight into the algorithm. She's gonna watch Teletubbies at the age of three. And by the time she's 25 She'll be watching telly Toby's 142 We already have Fast and Furious nine. And it's amazing. We're the species that invented Russian Roulette let us take a fucking risk. Okay, sorry is gonna lead to boycotting Russia were the species that invented roulette. Let us take it like there's nothing you could have had before. You had an olive that would tell you you would love and olives. No one was like, Oh, you love too much salt and the texture of pickled rubberbands you love and all and no, you just tried one one time and it was good. Fuck the algorithm telling you things that you're going to like as though it knows you. Right? Let us gamble. That's the thing. Why were people we will always have these people do things we always have gambling and sex work and nonsense. We love nonsense. My issue is when a machine comes in and strips away all of the checks and balances and tips the slope so far downwards, that normal people can't possibly resist the worst distortions of their own characters. So it's not enough to have a card table. You've got to hide the clocks and have free drinks and flashing lights and law old people into poker machines at their local pubs. That's what the social media algorithm is. So the next time you want to blame someone for retweeting an article that they saw online and someone goes Oh, it's just words it's just free speech. It is not free speech if there is an algorithm at play, and Elon Musk can go fuck himself Thank you
Dan Ilic 33:38
Alice. Has anyone on this panel here ever been subjected to like vicious or unfounded rumors on on the internet Dad I'll take this one. Never
Grace Tame 33:55
Twitter into a year ago and I genuinely thought when I was hearing people talk about Elon Musk I thought he was I thought he
Unknown Speaker 34:03
was a malas
Lewis Hobba 34:08
and as your opinion che Yeah.
Dan Ilic 34:14
I would love to see you know how chemists warehouse has like, like fragrances for everyone. I would love to see one and chemists warehouse Elon Musk is one I'd love to see it. Not smell it not smell it. Yeah. Now what's the easiest way to reckon to teach your friends and family media literacy? Like, do you have to sit down with your parents to say I'm sorry, no. That picture while lead isn't going to make you rich?
Gabbi Bolt 34:39
I just had the luxury of shoddy not and giving it to my brother to fold out but I've never had to talk to my parents about technology once so sorry, Sam.
Alice Fraser 34:48
My dad's all over it. He's He's like all over technology. He's over technology the way a boomer it's like loves an iPad loves being on speaker, but like he does he does know some media literacy. Well, you know, Twitter is also he was the head of the media and communications Law Center at the Union.
Dan Ilic 35:07
That helps, yeah, you're dead like that.
Dane Simpson 35:09
I just genuinely I thought that there was this rumor about being online and it was just like because I have a Google
Dan Ilic 35:16
Alert. For me, right.
Dane Simpson 35:20
Arrogant superstar is talking about David Simpson. Superstar basketball player is now and I'm like, not not, not not not. Not not. There's another Dane Simpson.
Dan Ilic 35:33
Ah, I, my online doppelganger. We share the same name. His name is genuine, which he used to be the creative director in LA and now he is the creative director of Mehta. And I don't know what I'm going to do. You will be the first to know about it.
Lewis Hobba 35:55
Yeah, my doppelgangers. My name is actually Lewis Hamilton. Pava. Right. Do you like that's not a joke? That's genuine. Yeah. And so a lot of fuck, I'll just say it a lot of my like secret social media accounts and Lewis Hamilton, which started before kind of Lewis Hamilton. Like, obviously, it was good, but he wasn't like Lewis Hamilton. And now I'm just really angry at house except like, there was a time I was gonna change my name to Lewis Hamilton. I was like, I'm gonna be the most famous Lewis Hamilton the rebel. So the Grand Prix is actually particularly triggering for me.
Dan Ilic 36:27
Everyone, please give it up for Dane Simpson.
Dane Simpson 36:37
Lewis Hobba 36:38
liking. Yeah. All right.
Dane Simpson 36:40
This is gonna be a little bit heavy, but you do have permission to laugh fuck.
Dan Ilic 36:44
Yeah. Don't worry, don't just the weight of 60,000 years of your people's culture. Yeah, right here. Yep.
Dane Simpson 36:53
I'm Ernie Dingo. And it does contain images of people who may have deceased just for the mob in the room. Depending on when you're listening to this could even be fucking me. All right. aren't dead Simpson, Australia's greatest comedian and liar. Okay, so we are going to be talking about a very heavy topic today. Oh, also. Yeah, I'm from the Camilla nation. an Aboriginal guy. Milroy people. My people come from Walgett which is epic New South Wales. Little Town. So 80% Aboriginal 20% Cops now. I know like both my parents are Aboriginal. Yeah, I know that I don't look the army and that's okay. How that works is my granddad on my mom's side was a white fella. Right? So I don't know how that makes me Indian.
Just every time I come to Melbourne, I'm constantly telling people I'm not Indian. I'm Aboriginal. There's even people in this room still looking at me. I think he drove us here. I didn't. Different people. All right. I'm gonna be talking today about Australia Day. Right? And the problem with Australia Day. Obviously, there's a group of people who can't celebrate on Australia Day. And those people are people who have to work the next day. You hear? They're always complaining? Oh, you should come out. Have you? Not? I've got a work tomorrow. Loser, right? There's also other people who can't celebrate on the day. Oh, that's right, First Nation people. But why? Why can't they just join in? Straight A's is about drinking beers, having a sausage and wearing the fucking flag as a cake. I did some research into this. And I tried to figure out what how do we actually celebrate the very first Australia Day and I watched this documentary called lousy little six minutes, I encourage you to go and watch it. It was made in 1983. And it talked about the Australian government and their idea when they first ever came up with celebrating Australia in 1938. Here's a little snippet from that documentary.
Andrew McClelland 39:19
Unknown Speaker 39:24
failure today, among the nation, we are building a great industrial civilization on this primary bases and developing a new race a new force in the culture of mind and body. In this Sunnyland both build the racial physique equal to any in the world. Australian history already bears the base and re of glory won by our volunteers on the battlefields of the Great Wall. Yet only 150 years ago, Australia was still a nameless Island inhabited by savages to mop this cloud record of progress. The government of New South Wales decided to celebrate with three months of I don't prey on Carnival.
Dane Simpson 40:01
What a lovely celebration. Yeah, 150 years ago, a nameless Island celebrated just full of savages, right? So it's, it's weird that Aboriginal people would want to get involved and celebrate on this day. Also, the documentary goes on to show the actual day and what they did to celebrate it. It's the straight government they wouldn't have done anything crook. It's not like they do like a fucking reenactment or anything like that. Taking over Australia. It's not like that, get Aboriginal people and starve them, put them in jail and threaten them if they didn't go along with what they had planned. Actually, that's exactly what they're talking to
Unknown Speaker 40:43
three flames into life as the dramatic scenes of the first landing. Duck gonna keep being acted as bomb go. With the the native gathering in corroborate to ward off the invaders, just as they then did. In the face of medicine savages, the white man had bumped up the shore of the new land. There any likelihood of an ambush? So a handful of Englishmen took possession of the continent, a vast unknown primeval land. Well, fuck,
Dane Simpson 41:14
right. It's like all Aboriginal people. Why don't you just want to join in and celebrate with us? That's weird. You should just do it. Right? But these are the foundations that we actually celebrate Australia are on. And it's not like you can sort of well, I suppose you can have the argument. Yeah, but we don't celebrate that today. It's not like the Australian government today does like a reenactment. Scott Morrison did an NPM replica to sail around Australia to mark 250 years since Captain Cook's arrival. It cost 6.7 million to do this as part of a $60 million dollar budget. 10 million more than the bushfires by the way. Crazy, crazy crazy. Ah, this is a side note. Actually, this is more for a rational fee, guys. This is part of the document as well. And I just wanted to point this out. 1938 there was Aboriginal protesters were getting some traction, and we're starting to get rights for Aboriginal people. But the Australian press put a little backstop in that and held it off for another 29 years Aboriginal people didn't get rights until 1967. And they played some propaganda 1938 What was the most biggest fear that people had? It's
Unknown Speaker 42:25
free, perhaps in the past, to free. Now, where could this be better illustrated that in Sydney's great domain, it is here the free speech has been allowed to all we had a visit from one who started this craze on a pleasure cruise, he said are getting dimension that it was a pleasure cruise organised by the government of Germany, even away in the little known interior. Amongst the primitive mediums there are townships where agents of Hitler wait and plan for the downfall of a country that has sheltered them and given them security.
Dane Simpson 42:58
Kyla had some pretty out there tactics. You know what you shoot to get on the good princess Ruby and go to Adelaide. Get your way to Alice Springs and get this guy on board. And yeah, we'll defeat Australian from the inside. Yeah, yeah. It was weird, too. Because he looks so happy without filming him. And they're like, Can we film it? Yeah, absolutely. Wait, you're not gonna say I work with the Nazis, right? Getting back to so where do we go to from here? What do we do about these foundations? Do we do we change the date? That's a popular thing. Should we change the date? If we do change the date? What should we change it to? suggestion that always comes up? We should change it to May 8. Because that's mate. Right? That's cool. I get that. The only problem with that. It's easily from the wingless birthday if we make it that we're gonna piss off all the other Wiggles. Yeah, so what do we do? What about a sporting hero? We'll make it a sporting heroes birthday. They're problematic aren't they? Moving on music. Let's let's get a musician. shanaka Let's get somebody that we all know somebody that we all love somebody that we can all get around somebody wholesome. Benli. Absolutely. We all love Bentley. Let's make it his birthday. When's his birthday? September 11.
Maybe not. Also, if we do put it on somebody's birthday, then we're taking away their special day, aren't we? And stealing something that isn't ours is how we go
We should start fresh start fresh reset, right and what date is better to start fresh and reset? is the first of January. That's when we should be doing it. If we do it the first of January we move New Year's Day to the second of January makes us unique. Right? We get a day off. Day off or Australia Day, then we've got New Year's Day on the second of January day off. Do you know who's happy everyone? Everyone, including people who had to work the next day thank you everyone.
Unknown Speaker 45:42
We're really good at Dean stuff up in Australia and making sure it can feel the rest of the world
Dan Ilic 45:53
it strikes me there's a day that's about to become available. I just don't know how many more birthdays The Queen has.
And administratively, it's already day off. Do you guys have any suggestions for days
Alice Fraser 46:16
Tuesday's? Every Tuesday losers punch a little it'll be fun.
Lewis Hobba 46:23
I mean, September 11 is no good. But September 12. Like pick it back up again.
Andrew McClelland 46:29
We could move to Halloween do it then Halloween in springtime never works. Or I told me flowers and bees and lovely things. When unless you're allergic to bees. Yeah, Halloween.
Dan Ilic 46:38
Halloween is good. I think that'd be a problem for some football players around there. Well, they may dress up as Yeah. what's your what's your ultimate suggestion? Do you think that ultimate suggestion
Dane Simpson 46:48
is to first first of January. It's Federation as well in 1901. For the people who care about that stuff. I don't.
Alice Fraser 46:57
You were saying it would ruin someone's birthday if it was on their birthday. I'm already a twin. I don't have a birthday of mine. You can have my birthday.
Dan Ilic 47:04
Thank you for being so generous Alice. Well, it's due to common irrational fear. We've got great time Lewis harbor and Zoe Daniel. But before we do that, we've just got another quick message from the show sponsor oil cares for a quick word on race apparently. Video
Vidya Rajan 47:23
That's right. Oil loves you and me and also it loves rice. I love rice. black, brown, yellow. We love Hey, have you heard of Martin Luther Kingdom of Saudi Arabia aha, that's right. We only source our product from countries of color that you didn't think about I have a dream that one day all oils will matter.
Dan Ilic 48:07
Thank you. Thank you oil forum Please give it up for Grace time.
Unknown Speaker 48:35
Grace Tame 48:40
Look, before I get started. I just gotta give a couple of shout outs is Lily here. Did she make it? No. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 48:48
You win some you lose some.
Grace Tame 48:51
I do have to give a shout out. One of my best friends Georgie is standing in the wings. She is the pond clean.
Unknown Speaker 48:58
Yeah, come out Georgie. Georgie, Georgie.
Grace Tame 49:07
And also my partner Max who's my rock and poor old Max has been an audience a while I've been going is this funny? Is this funny? Is this funny?
Unknown Speaker 49:15
It's a bit loaded at this point.
Grace Tame 49:18
Ah, yes. Oh, crikey. What am I doing here? I'm not a comedian. But if you look up the Venn diagram of me and these guys, you'll find that it's not actually a Venn diagram at all. It's just a great big flashing circle that says go to therapy. Yes, the natural progression from very serious Law Reform campaigning is self roasting. When Dan asked me to do this, he said, Can you please do a monologue that is topical. And I'm on a serious mission to not talk about anything political, because everyone's been accusing me of Being a hack. I know that makes things a little bit difficult. So I'm really sorry to disappoint you if you came to hear me make jokes about a certain someone I know the temptation is very real. He is like a giant self sourcing comedy putting
is the joke desert that ISIS itself, you don't even have to tell him he just goes and grabs the ukulele all by himself.
To get around that issue, I've decided instead to reflect on one of my favorite TV shows from the early 2000s. My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. Which Believe it or not, translates quite well to the landscape of Australian politics. For example, the leader of Equestria Princess Celestia. has let down Australian voters yet again, with her willingness to greenwash her government's reliance on fossil fuels to neighboring neighboring Yes, the pawns. The pawns are coming to neighboring pony kingdoms. She's also very sensitive about a tail tail that she wants shattered in old McDonald's farm in 1997. All right, I'll stop. I'll make a deal. Just don't shame survivors on primetime TV don't underfund support services, protect alleged rapists stab people in the back bully people pork barrel. You see we've got a bit of an imbalance daily people.
Ah, yes, that naughty little flying horned pony. Anyway, what I've decided to talk about this evening has absolutely nothing at all to do with politics whatsoever. And that thing is air fryers. Stick with him. Actually, I suppose they are a little bit political. As one of my favorite comedians. Mark Latham has accused me of being since the airfryer came about. It has in some ways, divided the nation. That's the real Mark Latham by the way as he calls himself on Twitter. All the other Mark Latham's are not in one nation. So will the real Mark Latham please shirt front? Sorry, I promised I wouldn't get political. It's just that I had to give him a shout out because one of the chaser interns the other day, was saying that my home Tasmania isn't a real place. So I figured if Tasmania isn't real, at least I can keep living rent free in real might lay things head
yeah, it's pretty much just me, Rosie Batty, the 2004 election results. And pretty much well actually, everyone who isn't a straight white man. That's probably why he's so mad all the time. It's pretty crowded up in there. Anyway, where…