G'day Fearmongers —
After looking at all the data it was discovered that most of you don't listen all the way through the podcast, so that means most of you have never heard Lewis Hobba go on a deranged un-hinged rant about some minutiae.
So — here in this episode of A Rational Fear, we've pulled together the best bits of Lewis in about a 50min episode.
If you manage to listen all the way through
Lewis Hobba 0:00
Hello, hello. Hello Daniel, I
Dan Ilic 0:01
discovered something. When I looked at the podcast analytics. Oh, yeah. What's that? That 1000s of people listen to us, hey, it wasn't discovered they tend to turn off about halfway through the podcast. All right. And what does that make you think? I think? Well, I here's what I think. I think they get they're missing out. They're missing out on a crucial component of the show, Louis?
Lewis Hobba 0:24
Yeah. Because I'll tell you what it makes me think. I always close the show. Every live show, I slave away, sometimes for up to an hour, working on a funny little series of jokes. And I put them right at the end of the show. And it's a barnstorming performance. People always say you got to stick around to the end. Louis homeboyz closes the show. He's very funny Crusher, they call me a crushes comedy. And so these table you're telling me that the 1000 people who listen to the podcast, they don't even know what I do there. They don't know why I'm there. Everyone doesn't even know what you're doing on the weekly shows. Who's this guy that's on the weekly shows. I know we listen to the live show. He just he just hangs out there writing on Dan's coattails. I mean, people have said that to me before and we'll say it to me again. But right now I'm period. Well, here's what I've done. I've put together a special of all of your bits back to back so people can enjoy you 100% of the time on this episode of rational fear. That's interesting, because I wonder how it'll be like, I do think a little bit of Louis five minutes each episode is probably good. I wonder if you put all of it back to back if it'll just sound like the unhinged ravings of a lunatic? Yeah, of
Dan Ilic 1:31
course it will. Because you are renowned for being an unhinged raving lunatic on irrational fear. Well, the good news is they can turn off any time, which turns out to be about halfway through,
Lewis Hobba 1:38
oh, my God. So the back half of this, we'll have to put the podcast out again. And then maybe finally, you'll actually listen to me.
Dan Ilic 1:50
If you want to hear more of loose, please sign up to our Patreon.
Lewis Hobba 1:53
And if you want to hear less, sign up to the Patreon and leave a little note saying less, Louis, please, and I'll just quit. I'll quit. I'll do it.
Dan Ilic 2:02
And if you are on Patreon, you are getting this first you're getting this special episode a week before everybody else. So there are there are benefits of being on the Patreon though. That's they're very scant.
Lewis Hobba 2:12
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, we we have so little to offer. But we are very, very grateful. So thank you. And thank you for listening to so much me yelling so much me yelling before people head into this 50 minute episode. Do you minutes.
Unknown Speaker 2:28
Are you insane? Well, it's your fluids. You've done so
Dan Ilic 2:31
many great bits, so we needed to put them all together. That's fucking insane. Well, you fucking destroy the show. Like you're really good. Like in the live setting. It's just that no one has heard
Lewis Hobba 2:41
God believe I've been doing this podcast for 10 years and no one's heard me.
Dan Ilic 2:46
outright. Should instead of closing the show.
Unknown Speaker 2:50
On open the show and leave
Lewis Hobba 2:53
the disrespect. So what are you gonna? What
Dan Ilic 2:55
are you gonna tell? What are you gonna tell?
Lewis Hobba 2:56
I honestly, I don't even know. From all the episodes. Yeah, yeah, there's probably some great gear there from 2013. You can cancel it. Great. Yeah, if you can take out. You can't see blackface on a podcast. Thank god. Okay, good. As long as you can't see that. We should be all sweet. I don't know what's in here. But I've been angry about so much, so much over the years. And I hope you enjoy it. And please, I love you remember that at the end? You'll see me at the back. It's a joke. I'm very tall. It's a it's a good visual gag. But the podcast was actually going to be a lot of those. So if you're listening at home, I'm sorry. I'm not the biggest event on the planet is happening right now. The World Cup of football around half the world's population will watch it but our Socceroos had been knocked out. And thank God because now we can fully focus on the other global event happening this weekend. The TV week Logie awards. Yes, good. Whoa. on other continents young boys and girls will huddle around TVs to watch Messi. Ronaldo, Iniesta and dream that they one day to may hold the golden cup aloft. And here in Australia, kids will huddle around the 79 inch flat screen and say
Unknown Speaker 4:19
mama, papa, when I grow up, can I be on the project?
Lewis Hobba 4:27
Can I sit next to Steve Price my mom ever so racist Shaw, it's easy to make fun of the logos, and that's why I'm gonna do it. Yes, I'm a hack who grabs that low hanging fruit. The height makes it easy. And then I hold it in front of grant tenure and I make him jump for it. Jump for it grant It used to be that the low yeas were vapid, they would glorify dumb and vacuous television and never acknowledge anything cool. But that's all changed now, because no one watches TV so you can safely say that every show nominated for a low GI is a cult favorite. One guy nominated for the gold low GI this year is on a show called love it all listed. The most recent episode of that show had 46,000 viewers. 46,000 Viewers, that's the ratings of my mom's Instagram Stories.
Unknown Speaker 5:39
Check her out your mom's really hot.
Lewis Hobba 5:41
I mean, the thirst traps are weird, but her unboxing videos are good. Personally, I actually think it's good to say the luggage is getting behind a little guy. And I don't just mean granted Yeah. I mean, the underground battlers with no viewers like A Current Affair. I mean, they've been talking about that list for so long, they should just do an episode on themselves. The World Cup might be big, but in Australia, no one could even see it for the first week. At least viewers know they will definitely be able to watch the logos they won't but they could if they want it. But then eventually after Optus shat the bed and finally let SPS screen the games. People got angry that the hosts from SBS was pronouncing foreign His names correctly. Lucy's Elitch host of the world game and the only person in the country able to cope with Craig Foster was he's hot but he's Shut up Craig. Lucy's elige was dragged for being multilingual by Internet commenters who are barely single lingual. I mean, it's If Lucy zellige Lola hosted the logos she would have given the gold logo to cast a fan of it. Which is a bit real for my friend Dan Ilic. When I met him he was still pretending to be white.
Dan Ilic 7:17
Lewis Hobba 7:19
but the log is have had a huge shakeout this year for the first time ever. Televisions night of nights will be held in Australia's shithole of shitholes the Gold Coast the gold The World Cup is being held in Russia, where the government kills people. The luggages will be held in the Gold Coast where Dreamworld kills people two years too soon, we can cut it. Of course it always used to be in Melbourne where it wasn't a very cool back alley, and there were plenty of milk crates for grant Daniel to stand on so he could look normal size people in the eye. But now it'll be in the Gold Coast wherever and I'll be so busy is vey over vomiting from the passion pop. It will actually still be back down to Greg Daniels level. Which is nice. I think. Ben Danya has big dick energy that is actually a good call. I mean, he's had enough ice he can go all night.
Sami Shah 8:29
Unknown Speaker 8:31
Lewis Hobba 8:33
Now as a Victorian he lives in Sydney always kind of felt like Switzerland in the Sydney Melbourne debate. I think they're both great. You know, Melbourne has the food and the footy. Sydney has the beaches and the beauty but it was always one trump card that Melbourne had to play when it came to its victory over Sydney hidden in a little laneway was a secret spot called crown Casino.
Now as long as Sydney didn't have a crown casino it would always be Melvin's poor cousin. Everyone knew it. It's all anyone talked about up here. When will we get a crown? Where can I go if I want to gamble and eat at restaurants that already exists pretty close by? Well, you could go to star casino I'd say the star they'd say that a crown the city can never be king
and then, like a white knight riding in on his glimmering super yacht kames James Packer he built a new crown right here. It would herald a new dawn of subtle sophistication. Right here in the Emerald City. I'm talking a hidden tucked away 22 hectares of land and almost impossible to spot 75 For casino and all owned and run by a family business. The Packers for a moment, Sydney was the happiest place on earth. Then before I even got a chance to take my call Melbourne friends to Barangaroo for a hit night of gambling. I find out the crown can open in Sydney. Apparently some intern who calls himself a former Supreme Court justice suddenly decided after an 18 month investigation, the crown is unsuitable to run a casino because crown casino in Melbourne has a long history of money laundering. Melbourne isn't that keen typical? Not only does it have the better restaurants, it's better at money laundering. If I have to if I want to money launder I have to drive 10 hours down the tube to turn my drug money into chips. It's outrageous. You don't ban someone for money laundering. Remember last year when Westpac accidentally forgot to mention 19 point 5 million transactions of money laundering that gave them a little fine. No one went to prison. It was an accident. It was 19 point 5 million accidents. We crown only made one mistake one little money laundering mistake hoops punster mother has known once organized a junket for a triad gang to dumb profits of crime for over a decade.
Unknown Speaker 11:34
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't done it.
Lewis Hobba 11:38
Honestly, telling crown they can't operate money laundering casinos. It's like telling Asha Gunzburg you can't host TV. It's what they were born to do. Without crown jobs will be lost. Can you imagine the layoffs in the triad gangs? I don't want to be the guy at Centrelink who has to tell a hitman he can't apply for job keeper. Not only will people not be able to launder money, help people gamble. Are you telling me people can just gamble on their phones?
Unknown Speaker 12:12
At any time on literally anything.
Lewis Hobba 12:16
I'm old fashioned. I book my holidays that a travel agent. I bind my horn at a sex shop. And I like to gamble in a giant penis shaped building. I don't want to gamble on a machine that fits in my pocket. I want to gamble in a big machine filled with coins like a robot leprechaun I'm worried about what will happen to the beautiful Barangaroo if crown can open its casino usually when you're not allowed in a Sydney building. It's for a normal reason like it has cracks and it's about to fall down. But right now in Sydney there is a 75 storey money laundering cop just sitting there on the harbor disord I mean, what are we gonna do with an empty building with a fucking crowd on top of it? It limits the options are you gonna rent it to crown laga it'd be as a bigger crime than money laundering. What are we going to do literally rent it out to like a royal family. The closest Australia has to a royal family is the Hemsworth there Byron house is nicer than Barangaroo. If this nanny state won't let James Packer open his money loaning factory, I do actually have a few ideas of what we could do with the empty space. Now your average Twitter teardrop will tell you that it should be used for public housing or COVID quarantine hotels. How about this? It's got a lot of CCTV cameras. Big Brother house if you think crown's reputation is too bad for a TV network to film Big Brother. Keep in mind they used to film in a dream world
just saying the standards low. Okay, it's not right. The Big Brother, I hear your groans maybe another show Ninja Warrior right across the casino floor. The first person to jump over the Jewel of the Nile swing around a roulette wheel roll Snake Eyes crack open the vault and swim through a billion dollars of laundered money wins $50,000 The rest of the money goes to crown. I don't like that idea. I got more. We all know that James Packer and Mariah Carey are well and truly over. Maybe it's not too late to rewrite the divorce. So Mariah gets Barangaroo imagine Mariah Carey living alone in a giant tower for the next 30 years while the giant facade slowly decays one day and intrepid explorer wandering through the heat wasteland that was once Sydney machetes through the IV branches that have overtaken crowns revolving doors to find Moriah in rags sauntering the empty halls singing All I Want For Christmas Is You while she mimes eating a sumptuous feast off the empty plates in a deserted Nobu. You Yes, it is an excellent idea.
Unknown Speaker 15:23
But it's not as good as money laundering.
Lewis Hobba 15:27
Just like the crown should be allowed to launder money just like they do in Melbourne. I'm sick of Sydney being number two. Do you know that New South Wales isn't even the state with the most amount of poker machines in the world? Guess what number we are? Number two. You know number one is Nevada. First, the store wins the rugby league and now this crown casino simply must be allowed to operate in Sydney. I mean, they even let Western Australia have a crown casino that's a state where you hit a jackpot anytime you dig a hole. Sydney doesn't pick up its game soon. Soon. We'll have nothing I mean, we'll have one casino but what are we Hobart
Unknown Speaker 16:11
we've already lost the cruise ship business. Don't take away our culture.
Lewis Hobba 16:18
We need a friendly place with a carpet that reminds you of a funky fruit funeral parlor with lighting that says What time is it? Who cares? And a car bag full of family wagons with the windows down just enough for the kids to breed?
I hope personally I don't see the day when there's a real estate agent out the front of Barangaroo auctioning it off and if I do 2.2 billion is actually not a bad price for an apartment Sydney so I might invest. Thank you so much.
Unknown Speaker 16:53
Fear is irrational.
Lewis Hobba 16:56
Over the years governments in this country have declared war on many things. There was Howard's war on terror. There was Abbott's war on red tape. It was Gilbert's war on misogyny. And I sometimes like to guess who we'd be at war with if Mark Latham had won an election, maybe the moon and as wild as that would have been, it would still be less insane than the New South Wales war on music festivals. Yes, the Berejiklian blitzkrieg on fun rages ever on a Fed fast that never ends. If you notice this story, a bunch of music festivals in New South Wales have been forced to cancel because of new regulations. The government can now tell a festival how many police they're required to have, which they then need to hire off the government. In one case the festival cancelled and it was told one week out that it would have to hire an extra $200,000 worth of cops. And if you're thinking that telling people how much of a thing they are required by law to buy off you sounds like a good business model. You're right it is it is getting the tick of approval from Shark Tank. If you or I did it, it would be called racketeering, the most jaunty of crimes. It feels really strange to live in a place where it is a vote winner to attack festivals, festivals. In any other country. The word itself invokes a sense of community and fun and to wage a war against music. If you're writing an 80s film or rock opera, and you need a villain to do something, cartoonishly evil
Unknown Speaker 18:48
they were in fun life.
Lewis Hobba 18:55
If Gladys Berejiklian gets reelected on an anti music platform, then she might have noticed through a victory speech and a coke made of 101 Dalmatians. No one here cares. Not you then the trash out there. You guys are beautiful. And if you're listening at home, also beautiful. So apart from the festivals that have already been cancelled, like mountain sounds, and sci fi Arey a bunch of other festivals like laneway have announced they might have to cancel next year's festival because of these new regulatory regulations. Now in 15 years of doing laneway in Sydney, two people have had to go to hospital in 15 years. That's less people dying than a Sydney Theatre Company Matt Matt the hearts just give out when they say he got a wavy,
Unknown Speaker 19:51
he's very good. He's electric.
Lewis Hobba 19:57
And if you're a Gen X or Boomer thinking that the last The festival like sci fi carry doesn't really affect you. I would like to remind you of this famous poll. First, they came for sci fi. But I didn't speak out because they didn't like hardstyle trance. And then they came for laneway. And I didn't speak out because they didn't like fun in tight places. But then they came for Byron Bay blues and Roots Festival.
Unknown Speaker 20:29
And it was too late because I didn't say anything. And now how I say vicar and lendable
Lewis Hobba 20:40
that's right even blues fest the one you people love has announced it might leave New South Wales. That's gonna decimate the slide guitar industry.
And I don't expect music festivals to be everyone's number one voting issue. But New South Wales let a government tell them when they could and could not buy alcohol. It goes against everything I know about this country. At this point, the only thing I can think of that would get Sydneysiders actually angry is a war against F 45.
Unknown Speaker 21:22
I don't know what to do.
Lewis Hobba 21:25
What can I do? Can I repeat music festivals in a way that boomers might understand? We know boomers think drugs are bad. I mean, they did it in the 60s Obviously. But now it's us, not them so it's bad. They know that we know that boomers think young people never talk to each other because we're always on our phones. Well music festivals solve all these problems. The receptions always really shit or the 4g is jammed with people using Instagram. We can't use our phones and after a few cats, we love to talk to each other
Unknown Speaker 22:00
Oh people the enemy of your enemy is your friend.
Lewis Hobba 22:06
In New South Wales is right maybe we should just cancel thumb. Let's just stay in every weekend and once a year we'll spend all our savings to go to the domain to see whatever's left of Fleetwood Mac
break the child wants Sydney is completely given up we can segregate the entire population of Australian cities by age bracket at 20 years old, you'll be forced to move to Melbourne where you'll actually be allowed to have a good time at 30 You'll move to Brisbane to settle down get married, get sad, get divorced. You'll spend your 40s in Adelaide drinking wine and getting into cycling. And 50s The Gold Coast's for tanning and tax breaks. And then finally you'll turn 60 and you'll be ready for Sydney retirement village with no young people and no music, just cops in Messina.
Italy, Florida, humid and full of people you wish would die but won't. And when all was said to you that set it and centenarians buck, I knew I shouldn't have written that word down. It's hard to say with no teeth you'll get there eventually. And when all was said to generis commemorate the day they won the fun war, they won't have a minute silence. They'll have a lifetime of it. A rational view the UK is now being run run by Boris Johnson. The human personification of the word whoopsie. The whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. But I reckon if you asked anyone over 50 how they were feeling this week, they'd say they felt better than they felt in years, kind of like how they felt when they bought their third investment property. And that because in all this madness, there's been one little beacon of Boomer light, a warm safety blanket to wrap yourselves in one you TOPIK island in a fraud ocean of troubles. The return of CJ Yes, it isn't just Victoria that's legalized assisted dying now. Now the entire country can lay back and slowly watched the life drain from our eyes. As the biggest ABC drama of the late 90s has been directly in our homes like wistful memories, Xanax for all Are Australians the return of sea change is like getting back your franking credits you didn't need it a bit it's nice I should say quickly for anyone here under 30 see change was Round the Twist for adults I never saw sea change myself. But I got the gist from hearing my parents talk about it. It's about a high flying lawyer who leaves the sea to move to the coast and apparently diver Dan quite the dish. According to my mother, yes, Sigrid Thornton and the gang from pill they are back on your TV. It's a great day for the generation who still say channel two here's a man in the third row
Unknown Speaker 25:47
who gave you the finger little finger
Dan Ilic 25:51
if you went to his Facebook page he's probably friends with the APC thank you
Lewis Hobba 25:55
it's the ABC his family and that's it doesn't know how to use Facebook.
Unknown Speaker 26:00
He doesn't do Facebook
Lewis Hobba 26:02
sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason the ABC is doing its absolute best to give the boomers what they want on a they brought back countdown for New Year's Eve you love that. Did you count down? They keep bringing back Sphinx and specs because you think Adam Hills is nice. But they were gateway drugs. Nothing tickles and old man's wall not wallet like the ageless visa is your secret Thornton. And here's the kicker the aunties most valuable asset after Barry Cassidy's frown lines isn't even on the ABC anymore. While the AFP were writing us for the Afghan files channel line was rummaging around and stealing seachange it's one of the only shows that Australian TV with no known sexual predators I mean, thank God we let channel seven take doctor blake mysteries
Unknown Speaker 27:04
good luck to them.
Lewis Hobba 27:06
But St. James selling out that hurts. There's nothing worse than seeing something leave the integrity of the ABC to chase meaningless cash
isn't that right Ray Martin? Don't worry Ray, four corners really went downhill after you left.
Unknown Speaker 27:36
Lewis Hobba 27:40
The reason I think just to wrap it all up, that satirists and look I'd say satirist, and comedians, and I'm referring to us, and you might be like, I don't even think of myself as the senators. I mostly ask people where they've been stuck on radio, you know, out there doing the good stuff. I'm not, I'm not John Oliver, I'm an idiot. So just accept that I'm going to use that term broadly. And let's roll let's move past it so we can all pay. But the reason I think that satirists are the new journalists is simple. We can't exist without journalists, like 100% of jokes written by political comedians get written because they read a story in the news and the news is written by journalists, like we're lazy. We're too lazy to do it. And to show how lazy we are. For the next little while. I'm just going to make the same point over and over again, using slightly different metaphors. satirise aren't disrupting journalism were leeching off it were a pilot fish attached to a shark, where the cackling hyenas picking it the bones of politicians left behind by lions, if journalists are a majestic giraffe, using its height to scan for danger way or a silly bird that lands are forced to look wherever the giraffe
is bull. Canadians are the last person in the human centipede. Just taking the research already digested and shut out by reporters and editors eating it up and then shooting it out again in a slightly different way. It's still shit. But our shit was shot by a human centipede. And that's gonna get clicks.
Unknown Speaker 29:36
Like journalists have
Lewis Hobba 29:37
to do a lot of stuff that is important and boring. Comedians want to do stuff that is frivolous and exciting. Like Can anyone here be bothered learning what an interest rate is? Like that? No, there's no such thing as a financial comedian. It would be cruel to teach us about money, only for us to learn. We'll never get it. I like the grunt work of political journalism is getting things on the record like that's, that's the grunt stuff. That's the important stuff, like going to boring press conferences, making boring calls, getting people to say stuff. Like in 2008, when a journalist got Scott Morrison on the record saying that he was in favor of a government supporting people buying houses with a housing equity scheme, that was boring in 2008. And in 2017, when he said it again, and that he still supported the idea. It was boring then. But in 2022, when he attacks labor for the exact same idea, it's suddenly become something, write something that gets the mounds of the little human centipede very excited. But good things take time, even hypocrisy, and time is something that journalists can afford to have. And look, I am not deifying journalists. They're normal people. And in fact, they're worse than normal people. Because their job is to be annoying, ideally, to people in power that comedians or people pleasers. Applauses are nourishment. Like it's the base of our food pyramid. And so I don't think comedians are incapable of doing the work of journalists. But we're not financially motivated to piss people off like, we get paid by the ticket. So I think journalists have an employer and an employer who pays them more, the better they are at annoying people. It's the opposite of what comedians do. Like I would say the ABC has at times paid comedians to be annoying, and not in the way they pay me to be annoying, which is just by accident. But it's more of a sort of deliberate choice to pay comedians to be annoying on shows like Chase or to nightly which you talked about already. Very few people in comedy choose to make audiences happy by annoying powerful people on a freelance basis. It's just not a smart move. And so my point is really, that you you can't have political satire without journalists, but you can very easily have journalism, without satirists, because we're not going to do the research. And you know what? Sometimes you just need someone to look down the barrel of a camera and say Princess Diana is dead
and you need to notify that out with damn lady died
that's some topical stuff.
Talk orders is run by comedians, it would be the Comedy Central Roast. If 60 minutes was one run by comedians in it go for 50 minutes and we charge for the fallout. If current affair was run by comedians, it'd be a bit better. Like comedians aren't useless. I mean, we're not as bad as opinion writers.
But mostly we're just putting a shiny new package on an existing product and selling it is something new, and that is why we often end up selling it for free.
Unknown Speaker 33:08
Emotional fear, okay, Louis, as an anemic ABC employee. What's your take on this?
Lewis Hobba 33:17
My take is the one that keeps me employed Tony so that I can afford to feed my feeble family all the soy lattes their weak bones need what's that? What are your Peter Dutton is very handsome. Manly, yet has soft and kind eyes that make you melt when you catch their gaze. His hair is thick, like a young Ray Martins. He is benevolent yet firm like a hammer, a hammer for justice and fairness. He is building a safer, cleaner, brighter Australia and Australia that makes you go wow, Australia is so safe and clean and bright. Loving Peter Dutton is like an Australian journalist interviewing Steve Bannon. You know it's wrong, but you just can't help yourself. irrational fear. I want to talk not about the climate but about the vaccines and other upbeat topic who's All right, yeah,
Unknown Speaker 34:23
one more applause
Lewis Hobba 34:28
All right. All right. I don't know if you've heard but the COVID vaccine rollout is going very badly. Right now Scott Morrison couldn't organize a syringe on the set of Trainspotting. By the end of March, he planned to have 4 million people vaccinated and they just missed that target by 3.4 million. This week, the government revealed it hadn't vaccinated aged care workers and and they didn't even know how many aged care residents had started getting shots. Has anyone had been vaccinated? All right, just by asking that question, I know more than the government about the COVID vaccine rollout. But in times of crisis, I think it's very important to take the government's lead, and instead of looking at what we can do start looking at who we can blame. Let's start with the labor leaders. We all know Dan Andrews is crawling out of his hospital bed at night, throwing away his fake back brace and creeping out to sprinkled COVID under the beds of Melbourne's children. The media are obviously also to blame. Health Minister Greg Hunt got very angry at the media for saying that older people who were nervous about getting the AstraZeneca vaccine could wait until the Pfizer arrived. He said the media were promoting vaccine hesitancy the media were directly quoting Greg Hunt. And that really pissed off Greg Hunt, who is a Greg Hunt
The government is also very angry at boomers who have developed this vaccine hesitancy for those following at home. Yes, this is the same vaccine hesitancy the government refused to stop Craig Kelly doing for Craig Kelly fans,
Unknown Speaker 36:31
what the fuck? Weird salience
Dan Ilic 36:36
B Q and on Viber.
Lewis Hobba 36:39
Oh, interesting. Okay, let's explore that as we go on. Wow, fuck, I didn't say I've never met somebody like Craig Kelly. It's so crazy. But actually, I think that the vaccine hesitancy problem is actually quite easy to fix because boomers stopped trusting vaccines because they believe anything they read on Facebook. So what I have done is I've prepared some Boomer friendly messaging that you can write on your own Facebook wall at any time to make boomers get their second job quicker than their second home. Yeah, that's right. I know what you own. What else are you gonna take away from me? Come on. All right, here we go. Here's some things you can write on your Facebook wall, to get Boomers to take the vaccine. Tell them the vaccine doesn't insert a microchip. It inserts an audio book about Graham Kennedy written by Peter Fitz Simon. A vaccine is just an extra hot coffee. Tell them it's an iPad. Tell them it's a painting by an indigenous artist. Tell them it's a funny detail. Tell them the vaccine is a mountain by telling them the vaccine is a low res family photo. Tell them it's a podcast with Annabelle crab. Tell them the vaccine would like to hear a story about an old neighbor who recently died. Tell them the vaccine agrees that the two years of high interest rates in the early 90s was the greatest hardship generated ever face. Tell him it's a BBC drama. Tell him it'll make Netflix easy to use.
Unknown Speaker 38:31
Tell them it's a carport.
Lewis Hobba 38:35
Tell him it's a second fridge. Tell them it doesn't use American words like diaper and store. It uses Australian words like nappy and shop.
Now, we all know that would 100% get the vaccine rollout back on track. But weirdly, that is not the approach our prime minister has taken. No, you might have heard this news yesterday. He's calling in the army. Yeah, yesterday he announced in one of his trademark announcements that the new head of the National Vaccine task force would be Lieutenant General John Frewin. If caught I don't know who he is either, but he's a Lieutenant General. Head of the army. If calling in the army to fix his problems, sounds extreme. Keep in mind, Scott Morrison loves to play with his army men. When he was the Minister for border protection. He called in the army to stop the boats. Then once the boat once the army had done that, he made himself a little boat shaped trophy, saying I stopped the boats. I don't know if anyone in the army got a trophy. They may have got a small participation boat. Personally May I love the idea of getting the military to run a vaccination campaign. It's intimidating but fun I can never quite get a read on what's going on. Big defense strategy. Craig Kelly not okay with military on the fence boobers you came around Applause We all love. I stick with me, so stick with us. I wasn't begging but thank
Dan Ilic 40:19
you. Will you be closing with Gosman
Lewis Hobba 40:24
Bacchus for coming. So all right. Here we go Now stick with me on this army thing okay because I actually think it's a really good idea right? I would love to see people's faces when they look up to see Ben Robert Smith walking through the streets threatening to kick anyone who won't get the vaccine up the US with a prosthetic leg he's carrying for some reason. All right. I knew when I asked you to stick with me that I would be losing you and I don't care. What's up with the Army get the Air Force in bold Odyssey fighter jets dropping syringes into aged care facilities. I want to say retired veterans pull their old rifles out of the closet, toss away their bayonets affixed the FISA, Pfizer and go back on the road.
Unknown Speaker 41:19
We'll find the anti Vax is on the beaches of Byron Bay. We shall defend our Island whatever the cost may be, and then we'll blame the cost on Kevin Rudd Oh.
Lewis Hobba 41:35
Look, I get why Scotty calls up defense Anytime he's on the defensive. People trust the army, and they're already on the payroll. But I really think there's another group on the payroll who are being criminally overlooked when it comes to helping the vaccine rollout. These people live in Canberra in a building paid for by taxpayers. They're getting taxpayer funded training every day. I'm talking about the Australian Institute of Sport. Now. The prime minister said that the vaccine rollout wasn't a race Well, right now we have hundreds of perfectly trained athletes for an Olympics, that probably won't happen. So let's put them to work and make it a race. First of all, no one knows more about experimental drug treatments that
Unknown Speaker 42:20
Lewis Hobba 42:24
test the vaccines on them. They put things in their bodies that would stop once the teen doctors have a locally produced vaccine that prevents COVID and is also untraceable by the anti doping authority. We store them in the coolroom used to acclimatized our winter Olympians. Then we're on to the AIA s as gold metal standard vaccine logistics work. This is quite a plan. So come on the journey alright. An Australian weightlifter lifts boxes of vaccines off the shelves then carries them to a javelin thrower who hurls individual vaccines across the warehouse. Our four by 100 meter medley relay team will swim vaccines across the state of Tasmania, while the rest will travel in short shorts of marathon runners as they jump off to remote corners of regional Australia. The syringes passed like a relay baton from the marathon runners to the power walkers if they encounter any antivaxxers over high jumper will first be flop over them gracefully. Each regional Victorian center will contain PPE from the fencing team, and one the Greco Roman wrestler. Their job is to pin down vaccine hesitant boomers while our welterweight boxers strap on latex gloves. And instead of giving a left jab to the face, given an Australian or right jab in the using the power of the AISI predicts we can have the nation fully vaccinated by the end of the week. Then all we need is to get Nikki registered to sing a closing ceremony and get all the athletes back to Canberra for an athlete village level fuckathon. If Scott Morrison needs any more convincing, I promise when that's all over, and everyone agrees that athletes have done their job perfectly. He can get it get a little gold medal that says he did it all himself a rational fear. Okay, it's very nice to be here. Thank you so much. 10 years of this podcast, building up to this moment, a huge venue, a beautiful crowd who knows everything we've done. I think we can all agree this is the biggest event in the world this weekend. Thank you so much. I actually looked up what the 10 year anniversary is. its 13th anniversary, Tin. Tin. A good honest metal, but it's not platinum is it? Nah, it's Nope. Platinum Jubilee is it. I spent the last 10 years of this podcast complaining about how old people are ruining everything. And then who comes along to ruin our anniversary?
Unknown Speaker 45:10
The oldest person in the world?
Unknown Speaker 45:15
Her Royal Highness the Queen of England. This podcast anniversary would have been the biggest game in town. We would have sold out the concert hall or the SCG. But no, everyone's at home. Watching every minute of the Platinum Jubilee.
Lewis Hobba 45:34
Did you say she's the queen?
Unknown Speaker 45:38
Oh, including the queen. We'll get we'll get there. Don't get ahead of me one punch line that was that was all that was it.
Dan Ilic 45:54
Anyone can start a comedy podcast
Lewis Hobba 45:57
that's a joke as well.
Unknown Speaker 45:58
The fuck out. Everyone shut the fuck I
Unknown Speaker 46:07
only got three jokes and two of them ago is one more fucking thing.
Unknown Speaker 46:14
I will burn this place to the fucking grid now.
Lewis Hobba 46:19
I gotta talk about that. Not after the last podcast.
Unknown Speaker 46:23
I'd say the credit to be riding our parade for we didn't even get a parade
Lewis Hobba 46:33
the Queen's getting four four parades. She didn't go to the first one. Thanks a lot. The first parade was on Friday. She didn't even go she wasn't feeling up to it. She said. And look, I get it. She's very old. But no one was asking you to do a fucking flip. standing wave. Anyone can do it. Right. Her second event was at the Buckingham Palace. Very nice to her isn't it? She gets a palace what do we get a house? But can I just take a moment to say the staff here? The Sydney Opera House. They're incredible. Thank you so much. Yeah, no, that's true. I'd say hats off to them. But they don't get hats. No Do they know? Hats are only for the queen star. Only the Queen's people get hats. Big hats too. That's as high as the eye can see
Unknown Speaker 47:39
you've never won
Lewis Hobba 47:42
a fucking picture of the hat I swear to fucking christ diaper house this fucking clothes
Unknown Speaker 47:50
Oh my I wore a suit and I know you don't know that's unusual but it is
Dan Ilic 47:55
Dan when you sack Louis after this Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 48:00
well you could bucket habit Good luck to you. Complete the bucket Michael
Unknown Speaker 48:03
Unknown Speaker 48:04
They'll count the jokes. Unbelievable up for me thanks a lot. Anyway, we had spit before we got and now my next video about hacks so we gotta get back to
Unknown Speaker 48:24
Oh my god. Thanks a lot Australian media. Not one article all week about the hats of these good Australian podcasters
Unknown Speaker 48:32
might put on your hat.
Unknown Speaker 48:35
Put on your hat Ma. Oh, girl Gray. Thank you. Oh, now everyone guess
Unknown Speaker 48:46
why do people get so excited when the Queen wears a hat? Do they know she owns a crown? That's the best kind of
Unknown Speaker 48:58
anytime she wears the regular hat. It should be a huge disappointment. The hat is the understudy of the crown.
Unknown Speaker 49:09
A queen and a hat
Unknown Speaker 49:15
it's like Lewis Hamilton driving the formula wanted a Kia Sorento.
Unknown Speaker 49:20
It's now when I came to say put on the crown your big scrote
Lewis Hobba 49:30
I'm gonna fix it and then I'm gonna fucking fix you you have a radio show is that right? Just like this constantly. Is very aggressive.
Sami Shah 49:44
GM to the opera house to drum up Pakistani parents. You're gonna find the comedy really good.
Lewis Hobba 49:52
Sammy sounds like Tate's also my 10 year celebration come along.
Unknown Speaker 49:58
This is my moment.
Lewis Hobba 50:08
Now, some of you might think that the Queen deserves a visit as the biggest celebration than our podcast. You might think she's earned a little Jubilee after 70 years on the throne. Oil, you're wrong. I think we've done a lot more than the Queen, doing a mildly successful podcast for 10 years. On and Off is hard work. Very good one if you heard it. If starting a podcast was easy, everyone would do it.
Unknown Speaker 50:39
Again. All right from now on. All right, fresh jokes.
Dan Ilic 50:45
I can't wait for this last joke.
Lewis Hobba 50:49
The closest thing that Queen gets to doing a podcast is her royal Christmas message. And she does one of those per year. That's 70 episodes over 70 years. I mean, we've done over 100 we're crushing her. The Queen get throw herself a party when she knows what it's like to beg Patreon subscribers for $1 a month. I'll throw her a jubilee myself. If she does a Christmas message brought to you by MailChimp. The royal family hasn't done one true crime podcast and they have done so many true crime. This is true right? 18 months ago Spotify gave Prince Harry and Megan Markel $30 million to make a podcast. Did you know that $30 million to make their new podcast? Do you know how many episodes they've made? This is true in the last 18 months since I got that $30 million. One. One episode of one podcast for $30 million. Louis Yes. So
Sami Shah 51:54
while you're fact checking so disrupt you. The Queen did 69 messages of Christmas because she missed one year 1969 She missed it because she was sick right
Unknown Speaker 52:15
now that's fine. That joke wasn't structural integrity, but later that won't ruin a call back in three minutes. Good go. Oh, fuck me. Good guy,
Lewis Hobba 52:37
you know, for me to make $30 million doing this podcast based on how much money I'm getting paid to diet. I would have to do this podcast for over every week for over 2000 years. That's true. That means I would be doing it from now to the very first Christmas when Jesus was born. But no, no
Unknown Speaker 53:00
give the fucking quatre parade
Lewis Hobba 53:10
Am I losing you?
Unknown Speaker 53:12
I don't fucking close the doors none of you this is gonna be the fucking Nutcracker. No intermission
Unknown Speaker 53:30
this is gonna be the August performance in Opera
Unknown Speaker 53:32
House history. Mozart's fifth sixth seventh fucking Louis's first
Lewis Hobba 53:47
with you and the queen. No, I look. I have some good news. I have some good news. Yes, thank you indeed. If you're sick of being upstaged by the Queen like I am. The good news is she could die any second. That's not the good news. That's not the good news. I promise. She's She might be pointless, but she is a person. I hope she lives a long and happy life surrounded by all her family, even the pedophiles Now, the good news this week is that you might have seen our new government announced that there is a new Assistant Minister for the Republic. Could you say this? This is meant for the Republic? No, I think that's exciting. But I don't want you to think I'm a big Republic guy. Right. In my opinion or monetarists and Republicans? They're all as boring as each other. Right? They're all just big fucking weirdos. Yeah, big Whoo. I don't like a couple of crooked Republicans or monikers let's find out which. Like I imagine all monarchists sit in big brown leather chairs and a router waders, but also I think being a Republican in Australia. It's like demanding everyone get their appendix removed. Like it's a lot of effort to get rid of something that's just sitting They're like, who really cares if it's in or out? And that's me saying that after the last five minutes I don't even fucking care. You know, I don't need Australia to pretty common Republic, I just need attention. That's really what it boils down to. Right? But here's some more good news, right? Here's some more good news. If you promise to come back to our 20 year anniversary, there will be no Jubilee stealing our spotlight that's in 10 years. Do you know why? No ruler has ever made it past the Platinum Jubilee. They literally haven't invented the next Jubilee. It's never been done. That means that the Queen has clocked monarchy. The next celebration that the monarchy has a word for is the centenary and to make that she'd need to live for another 30 odd years. And that seems pretty unlikely. The only person who looks like the queen who might live for 30 more years is Keith Richards. Now I don't want the Queen to die. I don't but I will say this. When we come back to the Sydney Opera House in 2037. To celebrate our 25 year anniversary, they'd better be a fucking parade. And here's to our 10th anniversary. Thank you so much.
Dan Ilic 56:23
So oh my god, Louis. I mean, how are you feeling after listening to you rant for 50 minutes, I feel calm
Lewis Hobba 56:29
down. I feel calm. I feel relaxed. It really I really got it out of my system. I think anyone listening to the smooth, calm relaxed sounds of that 50 minutes. Well, it was basically a meditation tape. That was my audition for calm the app.
Dan Ilic 56:46
Big thank you to our Patreon members and rode mics for the road gear and also take a route with whatever yaki tideline and we'll see you next week. Oh, I've never seen you like this your change man.
Lewis Hobba 56:59
I love hearing myself
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