#120 - The Man Cave, Take 2
Play • 40 min

In case you missed it last time, I have an exciting announcement! Next month (February 2021), I’ll be starting a brand new event: a monthly live, interactive boundary clarifier workshop. Sign up here to be the first to get updates!

If someone is doing something that you don’t like in any of your relationships, this episode is for you. You may remember Episode 71, when I talked about the man cave. In response to that episode, I got a fascinating listener question, and that’s what I’ll be addressing today. And while your situation may not be exactly the same as the listener’s, I think you’ll find something to relate to in her question and my answer. 

 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #120:

  • Even during the pandemic, today’s topic is still relevant. You can miss someone and feel lonely even when you’re together—for example, if your partner is glued to their phone all the time.
  • When we’re experiencing something unpleasant with another person, we tend to focus on the unpleasant experience or the other person’s behavior. But the only place to start is to return to yourself instead of focusing on the other person.
  • With an outside-in focus, you’re focused on your partner, someone else, or something happening to you. Problematically, this means the only solution is to get the other person to change. On the other hand, an inside-out focus starts with you.
  • You must start building the capacity to see when you’re getting what you want. This isn’t as simple as it sounds! Today’s listener question is a perfect example of this.

 

Highlights from Episode #120:

  • Welcome to the show! Vicki takes a moment to chat about her upcoming monthly boundary workshops. [00:39]
  • Do you remember Episode 71, when Vicki talked about the man cave? Today’s episode responds to a listener’s question about that episode. [01:42]
  • We hear the listener question that inspired this episode, which involves the “man cave” being in the bar rather than the house. [04:56]
  • Vicki explains the first thing that pops out to her in this question: it involves a lot of the listener’s partner, and not much about the listener herself. [08:35]
  • Questions about the other person are distractions from the most important questions, which are about you. [12:07]
  • What do you do when you just don’t like how someone is showing up (or not)? [16:11]
  • Vicki offers her advice for anyone who wants something more from a partner or spouse. [20:18]
  • We learn about one of the dangers of wanting to become happier in a relationship. [25:34]
  • To get more of what you want, notice and appreciate it when you get it—and ignore the things you don’t want more of. [29:28]
  • Vicki answers the listener’s question about whether she should stay in her own lane and find her own activities. [33:48]
  • We hear a quick recap of the takeaways from today’s episode. [38:22]

 

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